Transcription is calming as well

Listening to: Paramore, Rush

Finalement! Une chanson Paramore en français! Je ne vais pas me prononcer sur la prononciation (même si c'est ma première réaction dont je veux parler), parce-que sinon j'ouvre la porte à être critiqué pour mon écriture française, qui est effectivement en péril.

Writer's pivot to Tupac

I like writing about writing. I find it calming, and so I do it often on here.

But what about singing about writing? Or rapping about it?

I don't consider myself a good singer nor rapper (although I've attempted to "remix" lyrics and written/performed original slam poetry before), but I have a good amount of reverence for those that do. Whether someone is or isn't actually isn't all that important in my eyes: it's the drive to be good at the artform that matters. Okay, that's a bit of a stretch: if your music sucks, I probably won't listen to it but you won't catch me trying to dissuade you from making it. One likes to believe in the freedom of music, after all.

-

I want to pivot away from my Paramore fanaticism, at least for this post, and talk about 2Pac.

I should mention I'm not a diehard fan or anything. As it happens I've played artists like Eminem, 50 Cent, Kanye and the like a lot more over the course of my life; but I'm familiar enough with his music and his legacy. I only got into his music in my mid-twenties, though I was first exposed to him in middle school when there was a whole group of kids in my grade who were big fans, somehow. I've never even been to the States but I believe that his music transcends geographical borders and cultures. His uplifting of African-american subculture through art is truly inspiring, and it makes sense that a bunch of Canadian school kids would be into his music given the relatively barren Canadian Hip-Hop/Rap scene at the time.

He actually made a lot of music. When I downloaded his discography a few years back, there were so many albums! The sheer number rivalled the Pink Floyd and the Rush in my iTunes library. I don't really know what his biggest/most popular hits are other than maybe California Love. Often I'll find myself listening to a 2Pac song I've never heard before and thinking: "Wow, this is a killer beat!" and then I listen to the lyrics and I'm like: "Shit, these lyrics are lit!" and thus I slowly but surely get more familiar with his works.

-

My favourite song currently is Ambitionz As A Ridah. 

Given the title of this post, can you guess the reason why?

...

...

...

Yeah, I've got ambitions as a writer, how could you tell?

Okay, so Tupac might not have been rapping about writing per se, but it's a hella catchy song nonetheless:

I won't deny it, I'm a straight ridah
You don't wanna fuck with me
Got the police bustin' at me
But they can't do nothin' to a G

Here, I'll embarrass myself with my censored "whiteboi" interpretation:

If I'm a straight writer - which I usually am -
then you don't wanna mess with me
Got the grammer police all riled up
But they can't do nothin' to a G

Till the next blog post,

Gabe out.

A community of netizens

I think I've finally found something I've been searching for since the very start of kaleidoughscope: a community of bloggers.

It's not just bloggers that are part of this online community that I'm about to speak on. There's programmers and writers and system administrators and webmasters and students and scientists and many more of course, and most of them don't identify as bloggers like I am wont to do, but many of them maintain blogs on personal websites. And they publish at least somewhat regularly. Sure, some might have published but a few posts here and there over a couple years' time, and these places are like singular time capsules into the lives of people I've never met and interest me in and of themselves. But there are others who have decades of writing laid bare, kinda like here, and these make for engaging archive perusal by me. Both these kinds of people are bloggers in my eyes.

So I've uncovered a veritable trove of websites published by people who appreciate the internet for what it once was and what it can be: not corporate and "FAANG"-owned. Many of these folks have meticulously crafted and maintain their own personal websites, using free and open-source tools, and made the decision to not rely on the big guys like Amazon and Google. It's really inspiring, and something I aspire to do one day with this blog (Blogger started out independent but was bought by Google back in 2003).

I check in here and there on the Discord server that, to me, serves as a meeting place for this community: The 32-Bit Cafe. Like many cool things I've discovered online, I stumbled on it purely by chance (using a discovery engine like StumbleUpon - CloudHiker it's now called). The people that make up this loose community are from all over the world, and are of different ages and genders, and are from different socioeconomic backgrounds; they are, like me, global netizens. The "tech-saviness" floating around this server is impressive: I constantly find myself "knowingly" nodding along to conversations about some obscure computer protocol until I realize I don't actually know what they're talking about, like, at all. But, that makes me appreciate the discussion even more, and lights up my curiosity!

But what's the primary reason I'm so excited about having discovered this community?

Because blogging/writing is lonely as hell, man. But seeing others who write about their lonely or not-so-lonely hells ultimately encourages me to write more. It reminds me that it's possible to be lonely - together.

That's right: it wouldn't be a classic kaleidoughscope post if I didn't manage to sneak in a Paramore reference. The worst part is, I've already written extensively about this song in a previous post a decade ago. My updated take on it is that it's a song about writing and writers. That's how I now choose to interpret it and the beauty of music is that you can do that.

Anyway, here's that "lonely" Paramore song, Be Alone:

Bullets & the farm

Bullet points I should say; not actual bullets.

• I went to Riverdale Farm on a whim yesterday afternoon after I finished busywork at college
• I've never seen Riverdale Farm so empty! There were a few poncho-clad farmhands doing chores, but otherwise I only encountered two other people: a young couple, who entered the building I was eating my lunch in whilst sheltering from the rain
  
• I spent some time alone (on a farm! in the middle of the biggest city in Canada!) at various moments in time yesterday, with two cows, two horses, two sheep (with one of them nurturing two adorable black lambs), two rabbits, and a whole bunch of local birds (feasting on the abundance of animal feed inside the barns) to keep me company on a rainy outing
  
• The spare pair of socks I'd been keeping in my backpack for months (I had to work a shift once with soaked feet; never again!) finally came in clutch, as the rain had been persistently dribbling down my shoes all day. Let me tell you, the feeling of taking off slimy, wet socks and putting on crisp, dry ones is a small but divine experience
  
• I need to go back to Riverdale Farm in the middle of a grey spring day. The empty, forlorn but not desolate energies in the moment provided me with ethereal feelings of groundedness that I will no doubt try to replicate at home but something, something will always be missing
  
• When I found myself roughly in the middle of the estate, I stared at two cows from behind two layers of iron fence separating human and beast. As I approached, one of the cows, bigger than the other, made a move to come closer to me, curiosity evident in its big brown eyes; but the draw of the hay trough was greater, and besides, a big puddle of mud between the fence and Big Bertha (what else to call a big cow?) discouraged an approach. As I continued my silent staring, I internally thanked Big Bertha for nourishing me. I know that that specific cow had not fed me, as it was obviously still alive, but I was directly thanking the species using telepathic thoughts of gratitude. I mean, sure, I could have made a donation to Riverdale Farm and that might have been a slightly more effective gesture for the cow, but actually, I think that expressing gratitude for the food supply is important and that we are too disconnected from the food chain in the big city
  
• You see, I eat Ontario beef via the CSA (Community-Supported Agriculture) that my housemates and I support. It ends up being way cheaper than buying weekly at the supermarket, plus the beef is grass-fed and thus far superior nutritionally, and I reconnect more directly to the food chain. CSAs are good, people, look into it!
  
• Although I have never truly considered myself a vegetarian, I grew up with vegetarian values and it pains me greatly that Ontario/Canada still hasn't gotten rid of feedlots and intensive farming, at the very least, and that animal welfare is still a critical issue in this modern day & age
• So going back to me thanking the cow: I'm acknowledging that I understand that I live because animals like this cow die to feed people like me and that is a hell of a privilege to have as a Homo sapiens
  
• Humanism and animal husbandry thus go hand & hand -> perhaps more on this topic in a future blog post
  

I think the gratitude journal thing I started taking seriously a couple years ago is effectively seeping into other aspects of my life. I think it was supposed to, and I'm happier for it.

Moo.

ChatGPT consulted for factual info about three cow types: Jersey, Guernsey and Holstein. I think the cows I saw might have been Jersey cows but I'm not sure.

Eclipse

I just have to write a post today. Not only because I studied astronomy in university, but like my dad told me, this eclipse thing sounds a lot like the Y2K bug back in December 1999. Everyone's talking about the eclipse, offline and online; some people even have a spiritual connection to it, like I wish I did (but I'm not going to convert to a different spiritual paradigm just to celebrate something that happens once in a while in a lifetime. No, I'm happy enough with my loose following of Taoism.) Some people have missed having science in their life and the fact that we as a species can predict and observe astronomical phenomena stirs us to appreciate it and buy glasses and make boxes to safely see what the sun & moon are up to.

Anyway, I'm kind of all over the place (nothing new), but hark; why will you say that I suffer from ADHD? No no I don't have that, I have PTSD. Oh, they're both not fun. Oh, self-diagnosis isn't allowed? Too bad. My labels, my rules.

Back on topic: the total solar eclipse. Well, it's not quite total here where I am in the Centre of the Universe, but close enough. It's overcast outside right now. It'll probably be overcast at 3pm or so as well, which means the reflector box I built won't be very useful at all. Still, I had fun building it with my mom.

What music will I be listening to? Probably none, although I desperately want to be high as fk and listening to Dark Side of the Moon because that seems like the stoner thing to do. Y'know, the pothead label is growing on me. Tree hugger, too.

Oh. Oh am I ever glad I don't have work today. In fact I am extremely grateful. I'll get some cooking done, some meditation, maybe a little reorganizing done, and I can start procrastinating preparing for my entrance exam. 

Yes, I'm going back to school! It's almost guaranteed. I just have to write this entrance application in a few days and I would start in May. I actually like summer school! I haven't been this excited about school in a long, long time.

Best of all: I won't be putting myself into further debt. I'm participating in a fully-funded program for Ontario residents. Hell to the yes.

I'll leave you with an obvious Song of the Day, dear reader:

 

 

 

Goin' right

I keep searching 

forever in your eyes

You know I'd be careful

but soon we will shine

 

And I can't see today

And I can't see tomorrow

You're burnin' out my head

and in my brain it's goin' wrong

 

And I will live today

And I will live tomorrow

No matter what is said or done

even if it's goin' wrong

even if it's goin' wrong

You're burnin' out my head

- from "Going Wrong" by Armin van Buuren

Aldous, George, & Muse

Just a short one, and maybe a little more complicated than yesterday's post.

There's some grieving words for my dead fat cat in there somewhere.

Also, the picture in the YouTube video/album cover kinda looks like what you see inside a kaleidoscope.

A very powerful heart song:

Simple destressor

HB2 Pencil on herbal tea cardboard

A small way to de-stress: draw something without lifting the pencil up.

Extra Extra! Read all about it!

The latest Paramore album; I'm finally listening to it

IT'S GOOD! It's been out over a year but I decided to wait because that's what I usually do with my favourite bands and I'm only on the 2nd song and it's so good! I was afraid the pop machine would take over but there's rock and funk and I'm busy cooking at the moment and yet I just HAD to write this out.

You know, to keep up with The News.

Lately

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Morosity.

I think it has to do with dreams. I don't dream much anymore.

It's a conscious decision not to: I know I could just quit MJ and I would eventually dream again. But for some reason, I prefer the daydream reverie moments over the possibility of having nightmares. And I know that nightmares and dreams are good, because they allow the brain to process things while you sleep. And I generally don't have nightmares when I do dream, but now I'm afraid I have a backlog of nightmares because again, I don't dream anymore...

It sounds kind of sad, right? But it's not. It's not, because when I did dream, long ago, well, those dreams are becoming reality. I'm actually enjoying playing music with my piano, djembe, & Rockband drumsticks. I'm actually enjoying fixing my Yu-Gi-Oh cards into various combinations to make the perfect deck. I'm enjoying the hell out of cooking while I can still afford good ingredients. I even made a coconut/tapioca-base pizza last night that I couldn't eat (I'm going dairy-free for a while - acne has cleared up so far) for my housemates that was, according to them, absolutely delicious. All these things feed into my reality and my reality is anything but solipsistic, which was a grand fear of mine when I was younger.

I lost my job this week. 

I'd been working at a grocery store for over a year, stocking shelves and directing traffic. Taking expired food home and not getting sick from it. Being content that I wasn't working a typically "stressful" job - relishing in that fact, actually. I think that was a mistake. Thinking: "oh, this isn't a stressful job, so I don't need to worry about stress". I did try to eat well, but... the ice cream. The doughnuts. The sugar-laden breakfast cereals. The bread. The juices. The cheap sugary bacon. The chips, oh god, the potato chips... The vast majority of it, I didn't buy; my housemates did. I cannot blame them - I understand those things are at an equivalent level of addiction to heroin. But, I think I finally need my own space, a space where the toxicity cannot enter and where I leave on my own accord.

I must apologize for my somewhat unclear writing. Like I said, I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't snap this time. I didn't snap. I was fired, but I didn't snap. I was fired because I took one too many sick/personal days, not because I sucked at my job. Can you imagine how horrible it would be to feel like I got fired because I sucked at placing objects on shelves? It was actually a decent part of the job, the placing of the objects on the shelves, because in the moments between the cart and the shelf, there was silence. A tiny moment extending beyond infinity until... the yogourt was stacked.

I'm afraid of publishing this. What if my next employer uses an algorithm to sort through things a potential employee has said online, and it comes across this post, and it sees that I took one too many sick/personal days? And yet, now that I write this out, my mind changes perspectives. Would I want to work for an employer that fires me for trying to take better care of myself? No!

But I understand, capitalistically, why I was fired. People need their food, and if there's no one there to deliver the food to the place where they can then pick it up to take to the cashiers, well, no one has a job.

I will miss the people, and because I didn't snap, I'm totally able to go back and shop for bespoke food items here and there, and I'll probably do that because it's one of the reasons I wanted to work there in the first place. To be around quality food.

For now, I'll take better care of myself. And I'll leave you with an overdue SotD (Song of the Day), and a singer that I haven't written about in decades:

Paraweakspell

All that I want is to wake up weak;

---

Kitchen freewrite

There I was none the wiser kitchen department thanks for calling I've got three balls in here that are not out of bounds but they are definitely out of play; there's a reason I poured the green tea into another container to contain the bblue grey speckles of dust gathered at the bottom of the first cup; there is clearly no way these glasses are of good q - TIME TO PLAY OVERWATCH 2 AND COOK AT THE SAME TIME YAYYYY!

 

03/29 Edit: You know, I always find it kinda fun to look back on my crazy illegible freewrite rants.

Illiteral truth

Daydreams into nightmares

Nightmares into nought

Dreamless slumber

for

a nimbus of beauteous exercise

On terrible growing practices

My ex-employer caused social isolation.

I'm somewhat of an expert on this, you see: I was their best salesman.

I have it on good authority that it's up to 20.

20 = u

u is the last generation.

u is not the one I want to smoking/consuming.

26 - u = 6

3/29 Edit: Despite the chaos of the previous lines, there is in fact a logic to them. I won't explain it further because I'm not really sure why I'm sharing these lines, but there is a logic.

It's 2am as I write this, and my chamomile tea is finished brewing. I will go pick up the plate that is covering the teacup, and my tea will be warm. It will be good to drink this before bed, because I've had it before and it helped me get a bare minimum of two hours of sleep.

The moon is to my right. I know because I went for a walk less than an hour ago and it was there, above the housetops and the condos and the firestation and the pumping station and the stars I saw were particularly bright because there were only two of them visible nearby the moon.

Nearby the moon is a two dimensional plane. Because I don't think the stars are nearby the moon.

The moon might no longer be to my right, because I've been writing for what feels like minutes and I don't usually feel that way; but at 2 A.M., I'm usually fast asleep.

I feel like going to bed; but I cannot. I cannot, because my sleep routine is completely upside down from the lack of nature.

A Bitcoin exposé

21 million Bitcoin.

Okay; fine.

I get that.

... but why quit asking why because of it?

P.S. I'm stressed out; why does it matter that there are 20 million or 21 million, ultimately.

P.P.S. Oui, Bitcoin est à 72 milles de dollars américain, approximativement au moment où j'écris ces mots. Mais mon capital n'augmente pas aussi vite que je le voudrais.

Pourquoi?

Parce-que je suis dans le système fiat, le système "pas tes clés; pas ton crypto.", et parce-que mon cerveau mathématique se fait endommager souvent par la malbouffe et ma colère intérieure.

A Paramore brief

For a self-described Paramore superfan, I sure don't write about them often or with great depth, often linking their music here and there but never doing a deep dive into why I love them so much. I say this... but if you've been here for a while, you might have caught one such deep dive a while back.

Noncomprehensive list of things that (slightly) annoy me

Alternative title: some pet peeves and some really annoying shiz

Some are more niche than others. In a rather random order:

• When my shoelaces are uneven
• When I find a single sock after doing laundry
• When I keep getting Doomfist (I'm so bad with him) in Mystery Heroes in Overwatch 2
• People who are rude & toxic in Overwatch 2 (and other online games)
  
• How difficult it is to cancel auto-renewal subscriptions
• Cat dandruff getting stuck to my clothes
• When iTunes decides to give an album in my library 5 gray stars out of nowhere
  
• When a pen doesn't write well, but still writes so it's difficult to justify throwing it away
• When someone walking toward me on the sidewalk doesn't walk on their right side (barring exceptions like snow, pushing a stroller etc.)
• When I buy medical cannabis online and it has a package date more than 8 months old
• Shrinkflation (when the price of a product stays the same or goes up, but the quantity diminishes)
• Related to the above, skimpflation (when manufacturers cheap out on ingredients/components but the price doesn't go down)
• When my phone gets sluggish for no reason except age i.e. planned obsolescence
• When people at the grocery store leave their shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and obliviously create a traffic jam
• When another department at work is understaffed and it causes me more stress
• Loud pickleball noises, and pickleball courts that don't have enough space between the baseline and the wall
• When people pronounce "badminton" as "badmitten"
• When people meanly mock other folks' accents
• When I accidentally take my anti-reflect instead of my anti-fog glasses to work
• Mosquitoes and the rest of the pests (black flies, wasps etc.)
• That sheet music isn't de facto free & freely shared
• When my housemates leave their clothes in the washer/dryer on my laundry day
• Dog walkers letting their dogs unleashed in a specifically designated on-leash zone
• Dog walkers not picking up after their dog
• Forgetting really interesting knowledge learned during university cram days
  
• When I get a spot on a red seat on a bus, and someone just in front of me is taking up 2 blue (accessible) because of their backpack, and then someone who could really use a seat hops on
• Candles that don't burn well
• An otherwise quality product that doesn't need sugar that has sugar in the ingredient list (e.g. bacon)
• When people assume I'm Québécois when I consider myself Torontonian first and foremost (this is the most slight of annoyances on this list as of March 12th because yeah, I get why)
• Computer hardware that still works fine, but not well
  
• Motorized leaf blowers
  

Edit March 12th: added some more to this list

These few are definitely not "slightly" annoying and veer more on the "dangerously" annoying:

Sparse rhymes

I have the beats going on

I write a line; I beat a line

Chillhop messed up pop true dialectic hip-hop

Code switching to different levels

Right now I'm thinking about the meta

The place where I keep things digital

This place I call home is only pixels

But I want it to be more liminal; scratch that, I want it to be joyful

Am I alone in this metaphysical?

Crack into the independent; leave the corporate muck behind is the goal

My first OW2 backcap

Ahhhh I'm so excited right now! Okay, bear with me: if you've never played Overwatch 2, it might be difficult for you to understand why I'm excited. But I'll break it down for you if you're curious, and I'm assuming you're not a gamer.

Okay. So Overwatch 2 is an online-only multiplayer First-Person Shooter (FPS). You play games of 5 players against 5 players (it used to be 6vs6...) on different "maps" that are fictional, but loosely based on futuristic versions of real-life locations like Toronto, Havana, and Chongqing, China.

Different maps have different objectives. For the Toronto map (New Queen Street), you're trying to push a giant robot in a sort of tug-of-war battle against the other team. In Chongqing (Lijiang Tower), you're fighting for control of a specific area in a king-of-the-hill style battle. In Havana, you're trying to push a payload into the enemy's base and they're trying to stop you (or vice-versa).

One of the best parts of Overwatch 2 is the cast of characters. During a standard game, you can play and switch to any character in the role that you queued for, and there are three roles: Tank, Damage, and Support. I tend to play either damage or support, because I don't like the added pressure that comes from being the only tank (it's always 1 tank, 2 damage, 2 support on any given team).

This is more advanced tactical discussion, but one way to look at the roles is that tanks create space for the team, damage maintains the space, and support, well, supports these 2 roles in doing that. Creating space means taking tactical and strategic positions on the map to make it easier to get eliminations, and eliminations are how you get rid of the enemy team before they inevitably respawn and try and stop you from completing objectives.

ANYWAY. With that gloss-over of the game over with, I just finished playing a Quick Play (the non-competitive mode that I prefer) game on King's Row (based on London, England) as Zenyatta, a support character that does high damage and good utility, but with very little mobility. As Zenyatta, you're really reliant on your team to not get ganked. So on King's Row, I was on the side trying to push the payload, and I had a really good team so we got through the first 2 checkpoints without anyone dying (which is pretty rare: dying happens a lot in this game). King's Row, however, is notoriously difficult on the last checkpoint because the defenders respawn pretty much right next to where you're trying to push the payload. If there's even 1 enemy player near the payload, it doesn't move; so it's difficult to eliminate the entire enemy team faster than they can eliminate you on checkpoint 3.

Overwatch 2 is a game of teamfights. These are battles that happen naturally as the game progresses, and it's not uncommon for a team to get a "team kill", which is when everyone is dead at the same time before anyone has a chance to respawn.

My team fought a hard teamfight and used their "ultimates" (a powerful but rare ability unique to each hero), trying to push the payload the last few few metres, but everyone on my team finally died - except me. Usually, you want to get eliminated with your team when this happens so that you respawn as a team. But in this case, I saw the opportunity to hide behind enemy lines. The enemy had a burst of confidence from having eliminated my team, so they pushed forward, leaving the payload (and me!) behind.  One thing you should know about Zenyatta is that because he floats, he actually doesn't make footstep sounds, which is one of the best tells that an enemy is nearby.

So the enemy team forgot about me, and can't hear me. I sneak up behind the payload and get it moving, while my team distracts the enemy team by trying to push forward through the front line... the payload slowly moves toward the goal line. I eventually see the enemy's tank realize I'm about to cap the point, and they rush back but it's too late: I cap the point and win the game for my team. My team is ecstatic and thank me profusely in the in-game chat, and I cannot believe that I managed to pull it off. It was a hell of a rush because these kinds of wins are really, really rare. Someone on the enemy team usually notices and then the entire team can easily pick you off the payload.

I tried to make a video clip of all this from the replay file, but it seems I can't through GeForce Now, so the best I can do is a screenshot of the setup.

Red circle is the payload and the direction I need to push it in, green are the outlines of my teammates, and I'm in the blue circle. Notice the enemy team focusing their attention toward the green.

Luck lite

In my previous post, I described some of my feelings toward depressive tendencies, and some of the things that indicate to me that I might not be so depressed. Of course, this is all personal & anecdotal, not rigorous scientific inquiry, so take things with a grain of salt, eh?

I want to explore similar matters and the topic that comes to mind now is luck.

Depression lite

I can't help but wonder if I suffer from a light depression, especially at this time of year when the sun is weak. I mean, the sun is strong in general, but you know what I mean. The rays of sun are just not strong enough to boost my vitamin D levels to normal levels.

I do take a vitamin D supplement. It probably helps. And I'm not going to go into details about depression, lest I offend someone who actually suffers from clinical depression. I can't help but say that depressed people are probably less likely to be offended than non-depressed people, given the lethargy and lack of caring about anything.

I'm not sure if I can say: "I've been there". I've read enough stories about people who suffer from depression who can't even get out of bed. I'm grateful that I don't think I've ever had to deal with that. There's always a candle burning in me, somewhere, some energy that keeps me going despite all the loneliness.

Well, that took a darker turn than I wanted. I might as well just write this post off as one of my freewrite rambles at this point. I'll do that. I'll tag it freewrite right now, so I don't have to worry about trying to make this blog post look more presentable.

Anyway, the reason that I think I might have "depression lite" is because I don't find myself laughing much. I'm creative, sure, creative in writing because I feel I have to write at this point. I think if I were to spend a few days in a row without writing anything there's a good chance my quality of life would decrease substantially. Writing helps keep me grounded. Back on topic: depression lite, also, because I don't feel like going out and spending money at places in the city. Ugh, I wrote something that's not true. I do actually want to try different things in the city. I want to, for example, go to the Science Centre. I haven't been there since I was in high school. It's like 20 bucks for a day pass. It's probably a really fun experience. And I don't think I would not enjoy it. However, if I were really depressed, I don't think I would want to go at all, and if I was forced to go, I probably wouldn't enjoy it either.

But I know currently I would probably enjoy my time at the Science Centre. So I should go. And it might help get rid of these blues that I'm feeling by opening me up to different sensorial experiences.

Okay, can I still call it suffering from depression lite? If it was full-blown depression, I wouldn't be able to function. I think that's part of the definition of depression in the DSM (fuck that book btw). But I do function. I've kept a job for over a year now, and although it doesn't pay much I pride myself on doing my work well. And I do smart things, like improving my sleep routine and improving my diet and willingly doing exercise (especially in the mornings; I just came back from pickleball and I did have fun) and calling friends.

So I'm doing all the right things to avoid the "darkness" - the bad dark, the dark that makes you do stupid shit because of ego or because you want to fit into society or, on the other hand, want to reject it. The darkness that makes you say to yourself: "fuck it, I'm gonna die anyway, why should I take care of myself?". The darkness that makes you think that it's hopeless to try and improve your circumstances because the rich have all the power anyway and society is fucked because of greed, corruption, and environmental degradation.

No. No darkness like that. Just pure, unadulterated sunlight, and a willingness to smile even if I don't feel like it and even if I think I look foolish doing it, there's a glimmer there. God, I'm just going to go listen to Last Hope by Paramore now and let the music speak for all these words I've crammed in here, after being triggered (in a good way) by the word glimmer.

It's just a spark, but it's enough... to keep me going

And when it's dark out, no one's around... it keeps glowing

 

I've definitely shared this video as a blog post before. This is in my top five favourite Paramore songs, which is saying something.

Daytime candle panacea

The yellow-orange glow of the candle next to me is calming. The candle is the herald of tranquility. The candle burns and keeps burning as I think procedurally.

Back to basics

In my previous post, I outlined a bunch of things I want for this blog in the future. For this post, I will just write whatever I want, which is usually what I do anyway.

I'll start by complaining.

I don't know why, but since I would say 2020, anytime I start to write in this glorious blank box, there's an extra space before the first letter of the first sentence. And usually after I write the first word, I go back and delete the space because I don't want it there. But sometimes I'm in such a rush to write something down that I forget and hit publish and so I end up with some posts that start with an extra space. I guess I'll add a permanent fix to my to-do list.

Now I will do some reflecting.

It seems that my diet has improved over the past month. I haven't had ice cream in weeks, which to me is a small but useful indicator that I'm taking care of myself. Furthermore, it's not like I can't just go into the freezer and eat ice cream: there's some sitting there. So I'm also practising self-control. A more obvious indicator that I'm taking care of myself is that I've lost 20 pounds. This is complicated by the fact that I gained 10 more after losing this 20, but hopefully some of that is water weight after significantly upping my carbs. And I wanted to strictly avoid gluten, like I do when I'm doing well, but unfortunately I just could not resist the onion rings in the freezer last night. I did, however, resist the hot dog buns, substituting crunchy romaine leaves and crispy bacon for a bun replacement. And that's a win for me.

Onto the weather.

Yep, all the snow I mentioned in The Perfect Snowfall is melting as I write these words. And there's a very real possibility that that snowfall was the last good one of the winter, which is a darned shame. The sun is hidden behind the clouds now, slowing the melting process somewhat, but if the cold weather doesn't DROP soon, it'll all be gone by the end of the week. Actually, everything might turn to ice because there is supposedly a low of -11 on Friday, which will freeze the melting snow into beautiful but dangerous ice sheets.

Ending with some gratitude.

I'm grateful that I'm free to write pretty much whatever I want. I could go into politics and complain about the state of affairs in Ontario. I could go into activism and promote a cause like the rehabilitation of wetlands for ducks. I could write about food and cultures and controversial spiritual theories here and not get into trouble. So I'm grateful that I'm alive and able to write here.

Roadmap ahead

I'm so glad I kept this blog up, and that I keep it updated. It took a while to eventually realize that this place is a sort of lifeline to me.

I've described the Kaleidoughscope of Writings to people IRL as a sanctuary, an oasis in the chaos that the internet is at times. The internet is not at all the same as it was when I first started writing here in 2007. It's a little scary, actually, when I consider the sheer volume of technological progress that has been made in the online world, with many positives and negatives being added to the equation of human life as lived online and offline.

In other words, I will keep writing. I will keep blogging. And I have ideas - many ideas - for the future of this place, and I know that some if not all will come to fruition. Here's a list of ten things I want to make happen here, in no particular order, and with currently no specific deadline for any of them:

• Standalone web domain; maybe still powered by Google/Blogger, but as someone who spends hours on the computer every single day, it's inexcusable that I don't have my own website.
• Tags for all my past and future posts; this is a lot of work, but not difficult to do. It's just the sheer quantity of entries - hundreds without tags - that is a bit overwhelming, but only I can really set the theme for some of the more cryptic posts. And I've been tagging for a couple years now, so I've already started this objective. 
• A place to make it easy to suggest topics, or, to contribute; probably the biggest weakness of my sanctuary is that it's not very social. That's mostly by design, but I do want to connect with my readers more. Ideally, I'd want more readers, but not because of some viral marketing gimmick or because I want to be popular. No, I want them to be here because it's a joyful or at the very least interesting place to be.
• Modernize the layout; but keep one of the most important things: the random button. So that at any time, I can click it and instantly be transported to a place in time in the past. Just the way I like it.
• A 30-31 day challenge; to publish a post every day for a month. And not just throwaway/freewriting posts - actual planned topics, or writing based around a theme for the month. To prove to myself that I can, and perhaps aim for more difficult challenges later.
  
• More multimedia - vlogs, podcasts, photos; I've done all three in the past (mostly photography) and gotten good feedback about continuing to do vlogs, for example, but as I've gotten older I've gotten shyer, I guess.
• Guest writers; to network a bit more, and introduce my audience to other content creators. Similar to point 3, really.
• A place to donate; tucked away somewhere, "Buy me a coffee"-style, contribute if you are so inclined. Maybe Bitcoin-only. To support and encourage what I do here, and help keep everything independent.
• More self-made artwork; i.e. no AI influence for my visual pieces, and if I use ChatGPT, a very clear mention of the prompts and the fact that I used it to assist with a blog post. As of today (Feb 16th 2024), I have yet to use ChatGPT for anything on my blog - not even layout suggestions.* This may change, as I've seen how useful that Generative Pre-trained Transformer can be when used properly.
  
• More humour; lawd oh lawd can this place be dreary, "ranty", and downright miserable at times. Sometimes my fury can lead to some pretty interesting rants, but I want this place to be more joyful moving forward and humour is an excellent way of doing that.
  

Bonus: A search button somewhere, so that I (and other readers) don't have to click through the different months and different years to find a specific blog post. Related to point #2, tags should help, but specific things I've said won't come up without a proper search tool.

 *Actually come to think of it, ChatGPT helped me debug an issue I was having with YouTube embeds on my posts. This was only very recently, this month actually. The point still stands.

The Perfect Snowfall

I've complained about the winter weather on this blog a few times before.

It's been a winter with very little snow. And I kept waiting for snow, and hoping it would fall so that I could bask in its glorious blanket of silent fluffy perfection.

And today, my prayers were answered! At around noon, the first snowflakes started falling. A few minutes later, it was more than a few, and pretty soon a beautiful snowfall began and lasted a couple hours before subsiding. And now, as I look outside, the shrubs and the trees are covered with delicate ivory-white snow; neighbours are out and about shovelling the sidewalk (which I'm about to go do after publishing this post); it finally feels like winter.

---

I went for a walk, more than an hour long, with some tunes and my vape. BC Organic Dancehall. What a trip. My cheeks are still flushed and burning somewhat after my little trek in this big city. And during my trip, I wondered what it would be like for someone who's never been to this place to be placed smack dab in the middle of it, seeing the graffiti and the trees and the fancy houses while walking amidst a maze of side streets and garages and cars. Dare I say, I was grateful for all of it, and that my own two feet could carry me through the snow; swoosh, swoosh.

Opalescent daydream

Pretty pink presents precipitously pulling pale & pallid posters posthumously prepared.

Blue buds barely being bare; revealed, relish rapid renewal, rhythmically rinsed rightfully; righteously.

What worldly worthless writs wear within, wrung worriedly?

Obscure oaths offer opulence once orchestrated; might manifests majestically, morally, musically.

Prevailing breathless winds; opalescence.

© Gabriel G-H 2024

Hooked in until the hour strikes 60min

 "'twas a good loss actually"

Those are the words I muttered to myself as the overtime wick burned for one last time this game. Right click left click wham; wait for CDs; right click left click WHAM; wait for cooldowns. Shift, shift, shift.

GAH. I'm not inspiring enough. I need to keep inspire up. Damage, heal, damage. Tank is acting insecure; so I step in. I dash out. I dance for a bit, then I wipe my mouth and explain the basics of Briggy to a beginner.

-

I look to my left; outside, the sun beats down on a cool spring day; WAIT. it's the middle of winter. It's wintersummer. Why is there no snow. Why is there no snow...

My mom thinks I'm crazy because I keep mentioning the fact that there's no snow. No, I know there was snow in this beautiful city. I know it will come back; the molecules are waiting, waiting to fall as crystalline glass in the jar of the globe.

-

Mei is one of those heroes that I first mispronounced the name of, before hearing it from Athena. D.Va, too. Brigitte, too, come to think of it. 

My.

 D dot V A.

 Brijette.

Words on a screen; names on a plate; voice actors should get paid.

As for me, I've given up on voice acting. Abandoned. Thanks, AI, I guess. /s

-

I must not end on such a negative, chaotic note. Hey Lyra, life has been dull & boring; but when you're bored, you're probably not snoring, which is good in my case.

The K-Pop Rabbit Hole

Alright it's time to come clean.

I've fallen into the K-pop Rabbit Hole. When I stumbled upon a karaoke version of Fifty Fifty's Cupid, by a VTuber (full disclosure: I fell into the the VTuber rabbit hole first!) named Takanashi Kiara, it got stuck in my head. I still cannot believe how much time I spent watching V-Tubers on YouTube, but that's a story for another time... if I'm brave enough.

Anyway, here's the song. I think it's apt to share, now that it's February. I should note I feel the beginning of the song is extra-special to me because of the lyrics: 

A hopeless romantic all my life
Surrounded by couples all the time
I guess I should take it as a sign

 

Cupid is so dumb

I think this is just the beginning. After Le Sserafim collaborated with the Overwatch 2 team for a really unique in-game event, the k-pop vibes have lurked in the back of my brain, waiting to emerge. It helps that I kind of love South Korea: they have the best e-Sports scene in the world bar none, the people that I've met here in T.O. have been nothing but a pleasure to interact with (shout out to the LoL PC bang in Koreatown, and my old friend B-S Kim), and kimchi is probably in the 0.1% of the most nutritious foods on earth (and I crave it). Need I go on?

So yeah. K-pop is going into my music library. Anyone have any suggestions?

Tearful love

I'd rather be a comma, tha(e)n a full stop. 

Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall - Coldplay

Commas help me breathe. Literally.

---

It's been a long day for me. I got up early, and went for a walk around the neighbourhood. I did a bit of rearranging of my bedroom, and found drumsticks. I used the drumsticks to practice air percussion, and also, some ground strokes.

Speaking of sports-speak, I'm thinking of picking up badminton again. Except this time, I'll play left-handed. I expect this will be an enormous challenge, especially if I play against people who have played before. Because honestly, pickleball is straining my nerves.

Another bright day ahead tomorrow.

Waiting in queue for a chance to queue for QP (GFN Release!)

 I don't care how good Apex Legends or The Finals is: I keep going back to Overwatch 2.

I miss 6vs6 dearly, but it was total chaos. I laugh as I say this, because I don't really have friends who play this game with me. Only randos I met online, which is fine, but I'm afraid of people I don't know because it's only normal.

Something I notice now, though, is that instead of having a main tank and a side tank, you now have a main DPS and a side DPS.

As of current patch, healers get healed by hiding. Of course I'm gonna play support; I ain't about to pop off on Widowmaker with my Joy-Cons, lol.

No such thing as a homeopathic dose of water

 What does that mean?

Answer: The daily double.

Flip flopping weather

No, not flip-flop weather; flip flopping weather. Meaning, it snows a bit. Stops. Temperature rises, snow melts. Temperature falls just enough - it snows again. Still no sun. This time the snow sticks, and the sun finally comes out, but oh no! It's -15 below with wind chill! So it's cold but at least there's sun. But then, it starts warming up again. Rain on the forecast for this week, actually. All the snow melts - again - and if we're unlucky, the temperature will dip once more and the melted snow will turn to dangerous ice and make transportation difficult.

Such is the flip flopping weather cycle in Toronto this year. There were, I believe, a total of two tiny snowfalls at the end of 2023, where the snow lasted at most a couple days, and then nothing until January. Without checking the stats, I'm confident that thus far this winter has been the one with the least amount of snow. Which is regrettable, because I like having a winter that feels like a winter, and despite snow shovelling being a chore, I still enjoy getting the exercise when I can.

A gentle snow is falling now at this very moment. And it's good to be grateful about the present moment. So I'm content with seeing that gentle snowfall outside my window, but knowing that it's probably going to rain tomorrow, I won't even bother shovelling anything. Oh well. Time to enjoy the snow while it's there!

Freewrite time

 It just came to me that I don't often use the simple tool of a blank page to escape by filling it up with words. Words I use to fill this place up, and even if the sentences might not make sense because they're used to fill this place up, it doesn't matter, because I'm using this as an escape. Oh, it won't last very long, I mean, writing nonstop without thinking about what to write until I actually write it down can't last very long, a few minutes at most. Can you imagine just writing for hours on end? I don't think I've ever done that.

The closest I've come to writing hours on end would be when I was writing essays in uni. But I would never write for hours on end because there was always some possible distraction in front of a screen. Opening up a new tab. Clicking a video. Reading random comments online. Browsing, essentially. A pure hour of just pure writing, I don't think I've ever done that.

I mean, it's been about 5 minutes already, and I did take a small break to listen to some of the things my housemate was saying in a nearby room. And it's part of the reason I'm writing now, so that I seem busy because dangit I just don't feel like conversing with someone right now.

The loud gum chewing is annoying me, so I will go to a different room and end my writing here.