I have moments in my life where I seem to not want to do anything. Wasting time. Stalling moments, I call them. I fear I may end up regretting theses moments when I'm older & wiser. I hope not. Really, these moments are easy to see: time spent mindlessly surfing the web, absorbing information I can't seem to recall in great detail anyway.
I wonder where I can draw more energy from. Vital energy that allows me to laugh with friends and go on adventures with them. Or energy that I use to buckle down and study harder - my study habits have definitely taken a turn for the worse as the coming winter approaches.
I guess I'm pretty disinterested in what I'm studying. Old philosophical writings from the early medieval era. I can't really even fully grasp what these old geezers are talking about. I should probably try harder to dig into it, but I feel like I'm studying philosophy because I somehow find it worthwhile. And yet, I can hardly explain what it is I'm studying. The nature of reality? There's some ethics here and there when I was reading some Abelard, but it seemed so far removed from what I experience in my own life (i.e. who ever considered the ethics of a servant killing his master in self-defence? why does this matter?) that I just feel apathetic toward it all.
I'm dreading the next essay that's coming for this course. It's almost 3x the length of an essay I just had returned to me (which, thankfully, fetched a mark that I'm content with) and I found this essay-writing experience not as intellectually fulfilling as I had hoped.
I'm so glad I can still write here. And it is strange that I feel like writing at this moment, for I have had a hard time finding the motivation to write anything lately. I'm glad I can write because I'm finding it difficult to talk to people. To relate to them, especially. I don't have much going on in my life right now, but I have had many moments that defy explanation in the past.
Speaking of these moments, I was talking to my therapist the other day about some pretty terrible experiences I've been through. And it felt good to really dig deeper into the kind of things that stress me out and keep me up at night, sometimes. That's one form of talk I do okay with; I'm talking about feelings more and more. Maybe not so much with friends, but at least with a professional. And I get along great with him, especially now that a lot of the anger and resentment I was feeling over some bad experiences is gone.
Stalling moments. Moments in eternity in a finite(?) universe.
I hope to see some northern lights someday.
Edit 2022/09/13 i.e. to i.e.
