Be Alone

I'm skipping right ahead to Paramore's fourth and latest studio album, simply called Paramore, because there's a song I feel like describing that has to do with my current state of mind.

The song is called Be Alone, and as you might guess, it's about being alone. Not necessarily loneliness, mind you, but the mere fact of being on your own.

Queue the opening verses.

So what if I don't have,
A lot to talk about?
I shut my mouth and keep it,
Locked until it counts.

And what if I don't ever want,
To leave my house?
Stay on the couch while
All my friends are going out.

Such is my situation right now. It is Friday night. No doubt some of my friends are going out, and meanwhile I'm sitting on the La-Z-Boy, blogging, and waiting for Elder Scrolls Online to finish installing.

Wouldn't it be nice to be alone with someone, though? Does that even make sense? It sure does, according to Paramore. The chorus goes:

You should be alone,
Yeah, you should be alone,
You should be alone with me.
We could be alone,
Yeah, we could be alone,
But never get too lonely.

So maybe I'm not that lonely after all. I guess I'm alone with you, reader.

Among some of the rest of the lyrics, I find the following to be most illuminating:

See, I ain't one to climb
Some social ladder too.
Some Shangri-La
That all the cool kids will abuse.

This could be talking about society's obsession with upward mobility and abusing the system. I'm not quite sure.

Either way, I'm content with being on my own right now. But as weird as it sounds, I guess I'm never really totally alone when Lyra's around.

Signed,

Kaleidoughscope

Two months far gone

Hey. I don't really know who I'm writing to. I guess I have to say I'm writing to myself in a public way, on this blog. This blog which has been in my life for many, many years now.

I usually try and write at least one thing a month, so that on the sidebar of my blog it at least looks like every month is filled in. Not so for the past two months, but I guess for February 2016 there will be a post.

I guess I'll write down how I feel just now. I mean, I do that a lot on here and a lot of the time I write that I feel alone. Well, today is no exception. I feel alone. I want to be social. I want to be happy! I want to be social because I think it means I will be happier? I think it's probably true. But isn't happiness something that can be kind of addictive? I mean, being happy sure feels good! So why don't I make more efforts to be social? Is it because it doesn't actually make me happy? I really hope not! I recall reading that having a good network of friends is a good teller of many important things, like psychological health and happiness. So in the darker part of my brain I think "Oh, what's the point of being around people, I don't really have much to offer to them anyway". I don't like thinking that.

A lot of the time I will think "Okay, I will text so and so. Maybe we can do something". I never do. Or at least, I haven't in a long while. It's kind of scary to think about, so I ignore this behaviour. I talk about these things with a therapist sometimes. And I get good feedback.

Channeling some Lyra again would be great. I kinda am, again. I want to rely on this mystical conception of an angel that is there only to help me. Because otherwise the darkness is overwhelming and impossible to handle.

The darkness includes such ideas as:

• I'm going to be alone forever
• I'm never going to be able to build a life for myself
• I'm losing all my friends
• I am not a functional member of society

On the positive side of things, I know I made a new friend in the last year. Sadly, she moved back to England. But it was actually cool discovering that new friendships can happen.

I'm not sure when the next update will be. But my blog is not dead! So that's another positive.

-Gabriel

And so here we are,

Born to be kings,
We're the princes of the universe.

Another standard day indeed. I now know that My lowest mark cannot be below seventy, which isn't too bad. 95 in French brings things up in the end, anyway.

There are, in facts, a few highlights to my day:

Met plenty of people at lunchtime and talked about everything.
Rofled, along with half of the class, in SAP over some cheesy 80s educational movie. I'd explain this one part which brought tears to our eyes and we had to rewind because it was so effing hilarious, but you wouldn't get it, you'd have to be in my SAP class to understand. At one point we thought this one girl was having some sort of problem, since she was laughing for 12 minutes straight. I myself lasted eight minutes before I decided to stop, which I managed by simply bringing up the image of Mr. Reiss in my mind. Worked like a charm.

Went home, messed around a little bit 'till six o' clock at which point I prepared to undertake my journey on bike, in the cold and the rain, to Leaside High School for the Badminton club. Played some good matches to warm up, as I was rather rusty, having missed a lot of days because of all the school work. And amidst the matches, who should appear in the gym but my lovely friend Ana, who, purely by coincidence, happened to be at the school for some event of some sort and happened to see me! I do wish she would have stuck around, though, for after a quick yell "Hello" she vanished out of sight, never to be seen again. I looked around a bit for her, but then decided to go home, exhausted.

Some might consider my day as dull, others as somewhat adventurous, but it was a nice day overall. And yes, I write about my days in this blog for nothing else seems to be noteworthy.

OH. The Epic Lightsaber battle tomorrow! GO GO. They're giving out free lightsabers, and then it's 2$ if there are too many people. Contact me if you feel the urge to fight for your side (THATS RIGHT, YOU CAN BE A DARK OR LIGHT JEDI, YEAUHHH).

It'll be really fun and nerdy, I promise!

I won't go alone though, so taaalk to me if you read this on time. Which you probably won't.

Oh well, goodbye, farewell (insert the rest of the Sound of Music line here).

Yours in smileys =),

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Alegría

'ello 'ello.

This'll be a very standard blog, nothing fancy.

IB History HL exam in um. Four days! And five days! It's a five hour exam you see, three parts to it and all. I've studied a lot of pages from this textbook, but it's really only been one subject, and there's sooo much more stuff to study, urgh.

Trotsky is so cool, he had this train he used to ride around during the civil war, it had a propaganda-making machine inside it, food, communications devices and all. Talk about a pimped out ride, and he rode all around Russia inspiring troops, which apparently helped a lot.

The night time is a very a neat place. There are many things that happen at night that can only be seen at night, it's very cool indeed. I must emphasize that I have not discovered the night alone, but rather had it shown to me.

High school's end is just around the corner (I'd make a pun involving Mr. Corner here but alas I have none), and it's severely depressing. It really is, I feel depressed whenever I think about it. Most people I talk to are awfully glad to be leaving high school forever, but it makes me very sad thinking I won't be able to wander the hallways like I usually do at lunch or whatever. I meet a lot of people that way, and though I do get told mean things from time "Do you HAVE any friends, Gabe?" (that comment having been told to me after my fifth circling around of the third floor), it's a sort of ritual, I suppose.

I am, of course, excited for Katimavik, with my departure set for September 17th, and my package detailing where my three locations will be to arrive sometime in the near future. But it's really scary, I can only describe this fear by comparing it to claustrophobia: for nine months, I won't be able to have physical human contact with any of the people I have come to know through the years. Though I'm not exactly a social person, and as such you may be tempted to think "but Gabe, you never did anything anyway", it's more of the fact that I WON'T have the chance to do something even if I wanted to that bugs me.

So, I suppose I should make the most of what's left huh?

We'll see what happens.

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P.S. Ha ha, have fun with your 18-22 hours of IB exams, IB'ers.
P.P.S. Yes, I realize that I have school left whereas you're all done after those grueling hours, but shh.

The Divine Wings of Tragedy.

I think that this will be the darkest blog I have ever written. Luckily very few people will read this, and as such it really doesn't matter. I'm glad, especially for this post, that I have such a tiny audience. I just really needed to write, and personal journals aren't my thing too much.

You know that feeling, kind of in your stomach, when you have this test and you look over the questions and you don't have a clue on how to answer the questions? Or just how you feel before a major test. I feel like that, perpetually. I can't give anyone the actual reason why, but I feel absolutely horrific.

I'd thought that with a little willpower, I could just make the feeling disappear. Obviously you can't get rid of physical wounds with pure willpower, but emotional, inside wounds? They're much less concrete than physical wounds, so I thought it was just a matter of wishing them away. But I CAN'T. It doesn't work. And these abstract "wounds", if you will, are starting to have real physical effects. But it's very very easy to hide such physical and emotional things sometimes. If people know you as a person who always talks and laughs, and is a very silly person in general, and you usually ARE such a person on the outside, you can't suddenly start acting completely differently, even though it's what you feel like doing, because that's what you feel on the INSIDE. And then, no one ever notices, and you're alone.

Another thing that can stop the symptoms from showing is the fear of something even worse happening is if the true feelings show through. Don't understand? For example: If how you feel does actually end up being shown to the world, depending on what is being shown, you may become an outcast. If you're acting horribly depressed, and do NOT want to talk, how can you expect yourself to function at a social party? At a teamwork-sports game? At school? At any institution where any showing of weaknesses are shown, perhaps the survival of the fittest rule applies. Because you are being weak, people don' t want you anymore. And slowly, but surely, you end up getting out of it.

But why bother with all these abstract thoughts? I don't know what I'm trying to get at too much, I just thought it would be a relief to write things down. It's helped a tiny bit, but I wish the solution would just come. I know the exact solution, the remedy. Unfortunately, I don't have much control on how to have it. And apparently, if I attempt to bring the remedy to me, it actually gets farther away. Bear with me, it's hard trying to code things so that you, the reader, do not know what I am specifically talking about, but so that you are not hopelessly confused. It would be embarrassing if the truth be known, really.

This will be the worst April I've ever had.
Be careful in life, things may not always appear to be what they seem.

-Kaleidoughscope.

Republic of Heaven

THE GOLDEN COMPASS/HIS DARK MATERIALS SPOILER ALERT.

I want to write it all. I want it to keep going forever - there can't be an ending. If there were, there would be no point to existence. I want them to see that what they've done so far is the very beginning and there really is no reason they can't meet again. Secretly, they know this.
The laws of the universe are unchanging they say, but bending them is not a sacrilege, especially if you're talking about love.

But where do I start? The task is monumental. I'm sure others have tried. Some with more experience, some with less. And the fact that the end of The Amber Spyglass leaves me in shambles and tears for a few minutes gives me reason to believe it's all real. No one has ever been able to define any reality, let alone mine. I can do it. I can't do it alone. But I can do it.

I'm not out for the money. I've never, ever been out for the money. Taking it isn't the same as wanting it though, and if it allows me to flourish by assuring my basic needs, then it will be welcome.

The spectres will return. If not the ghastly horrors depicted in The Subtle Knife, then a variant of them. For the darkness is always around, even if the light is stronger.
It will not be a children's book. It must be adapted, of course, but it wouldn't be right to expose the harshness to the youngins.

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Gabriel, The Environmental Philosopher

Hey.
Another crossroads - too many choices.

I've always loved nature. When I was younger, I was crafting bows, starting fires, whittling wood to make spears and building shelters. I was so happy because there was just so much stuff to do in the wild. From chasing chipmunks to whale watching, I was a serious lover of just about everything in the natural, physical world except maybe mosquitoes (I still think they should be wiped off the earth, just like politicians).

Then one day, I discovered the internet, and I thought to myself "Gee, why bother wasting energy and moving my ugly butt around to see stuff when I can do it just by pushing a few buttons". Thus began my teenage legacy of blogging, playing video games and meeting people online - and I wholly forgot about the world that was out there. I forgot how awesome the feeling of building your own shelter and spending the night under the stars was.
I traded my environmental soul for a technological body. Well, it was fun for a while, and I sure did rack up a ton of gold in World of Warcraft, and a ton of kills in Halo.

But what will that accomplish? Sure, I could (and still want to) make a career playing video games and conquering the video game world with my insane reflexes, but there are still around 137 species of animals, plants and fungi going extinct every single day on planet Earth.

Ideally, I'd save the planet by day and play video games with a real team at night, but I'd have to be pretty amazing to pull that off. Well, I am amazing, aren't I? You're all amazing too, especially all you students grinding yourselves through university just to get a paper so you can get a job.

Well, I want something more from my time on Earth, however long or short it may be. I don't want to "live fast and die young", like MGMT sings in "Time to Pretend", killing myself with drugs, alcohol and cheap music.

So as of today, I've decided that want I want to be when I "grow up" is an environmental philosopher, because that still leaves a whole lot of options as to what I would truly do in life. A marine biologist, why not? It's just, I can't tolerate all the stupid ridiculous wastes of time I'd have to go through at university just to be able to formally study animals in the oceans. All the money I have to spend, all the energy I have to give to all these big boxes that teach you stuff just so I can do what I want. Oh, right, I have poor science marks. Boohoohoo.

It's going to be ridiculously difficult to actually somehow make something amazing with my academy of thought, The Illustrious University, and still stay true to my beliefs about how people and especially, how I should live life.

You teach me, I teach you. It's as simple as that. I'm sick of having to collect money to do fun things. I'm sick of having to buy my drinks before 11:30 because it's half-price till then.
Why can't you and I do what we want if we don't bring harm to others?
Why can't we live somewhere without borders and without policemen  and lawmakers saying "no, you can't do that"? Do I really have to move to a different planet or something?

I'm too much of a scaredy-cat to pull an Into the Wild, but really, that seems like an excellent solution to my plight. I just can't do it alone.

Till my dreams come true...
... I really do need a part-time job.
To pay for school, you know.

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Hungover

What? Gabe is stuck with a hangover? Surely there must be a mistake.
I mean, after all, I rarely drink, and when I do drink, I make sure to consume twice as much water as alcohol. With this simple method, I've avoided 99% of any potential hangovers.

But this morning (morning! not afternoon) I woke up with a headache.
It's quite mild, really and I'm sure it would hardly qualify as a hangover for those of you who are habitual drinkers.

Next time, I'll remember not to have a glass of wine after a late-night yoga class, and to just drink water instead. I mean, that's what I usually do anyway, but for some reason I was craving a bit of red wine, so I had a glass with barely any water.

And so here we are!
-
Man, I'm glad water is a superdrink. Did you know? It has ZERO calories! And it's jam-packed with H²0 as well, which is scientifically proven to be good for you! Amaaaazing, am I right?
Did you know what else? Big pharma is actively trying to come up with a pill to replace water. That's how amazing it is! (Okay, I'm pretty sure this isn't true.).
-

And as slowly as it crept on, the hangover is gone.


'Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive (deserved to be alive)
I've seen you cry
Way too many times
When you deserved to be alive (alive)

Emergency - Paramore, from All you know is falling


Ain’t it fun?
Living in the real world
Ain’t it good?
Being all alone

Where you're from
You might be the one who’s running things
Well you could ring anybody's bell and get want you want
You see it’s easy to ignore trouble
When you’re living in a bubble

Ain't it fun - Paramore, from Paramore


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Another late night

Ah, how easy it is to stay up late when you have an endless supply of electricity and a computer that's ready to guzzle it all up.

Seriously, I need to be going to bed earlier. It's not healthy... at all. I don't generally lack sleep because I can sleep in a lot, but I'm not physiologically adapted to staying up late during the night. Maybe generations from now, we'll be able to see in the dark and sleep during the day or during the night, whichever you choose.

---
Someday, I'm going to write more of my theorycrafting down. I mean, I dream of a different society, a tribal society. I've been thinking about it a lot lately - why are things the way they are right now? Why does money exist? Why are there buildings made of concrete everywhere? Why are roads and cars and vehicles everywhere? Why do I buy food at a grocery store instead of at a farm? Why are some people richer than others?

I mean, all those questions have answers at face value... but behind them lies an even greater question: Why do we live the way we do? You can examine history, and you can arrive at a historical answer, but that only explains how things happened, not necessarily why they had to happen.

I have lots of theories. I don't spend enough time developing them in my head because I consume myself with computers and books and trivial things like The Big Bang Theory on television. But I think I could really grow as a person if I took the time to think critically about some of my ideas. For example: I've had this idea in my head about other planets and alternate universes. I highly doubt that Earth is the only place in the entire universe inhabited by intelligent beings. It just seems so... pointless if we really are alone.

What if the earth is merely but a cell within a greater macro-organism? Wouldn't that be cool? Well, we'd kinda be a sick cell, but we'd be alive nonetheless. Maybe there are other cells around us that we cannot see that are always like "Hey! Humans on earth! Wake up! You're killing your cell and giving us cancer over here with your pollution and destruction!".

Maybe I need to find some people who can help me develop my crazy ideas. Wouldn't that be fun? Arriving at a consensus about our place in the universe with other people? But the more I think, the more I am filled with doubt about my ideas. But at least I get more ideas.

Here's another idea: Technology is dividing us, not uniting us. Well, for some people. I guess I don't really use my cellphone much. And Facebook doesn't really help me feel better about myself.

Oh, I don't know anymore. Sometimes I think I just ramble late at night because I have nothing better to do. At least school is keeping me somewhat busy.

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A community of netizens

I think I've finally found something I've been searching for since the very start of kaleidoughscope: a community of bloggers.

It's not just bloggers that are part of this online community that I'm about to speak on. There's programmers and writers and system administrators and webmasters and students and scientists and many more of course, and most of them don't identify as bloggers like I am wont to do, but many of them maintain blogs on personal websites. And they publish at least somewhat regularly. Sure, some might have published but a few posts here and there over a couple years' time, and these places are like singular time capsules into the lives of people I've never met and interest me in and of themselves. But there are others who have decades of writing laid bare, kinda like here, and these make for engaging archive perusal by me. Both these kinds of people are bloggers in my eyes.

So I've uncovered a veritable trove of websites published by people who appreciate the internet for what it once was and what it can be: not corporate and "FAANG"-owned. Many of these folks have meticulously crafted and maintain their own personal websites, using free and open-source tools, and made the decision to not rely on the big guys like Amazon and Google. It's really inspiring, and something I aspire to do one day with this blog (Blogger started out independent but was bought by Google back in 2003).

I check in here and there on the Discord server that, to me, serves as a meeting place for this community: The 32-Bit Cafe. Like many cool things I've discovered online, I stumbled on it purely by chance (using a discovery engine like StumbleUpon - CloudHiker it's now called). The people that make up this loose community are from all over the world, and are of different ages and genders, and are from different socioeconomic backgrounds; they are, like me, global netizens. The "tech-saviness" floating around this server is impressive: I constantly find myself "knowingly" nodding along to conversations about some obscure computer protocol until I realize I don't actually know what they're talking about, like, at all. But, that makes me appreciate the discussion even more, and lights up my curiosity!

But what's the primary reason I'm so excited about having discovered this community?

Because blogging/writing is lonely as hell, man. But seeing others who write about their lonely or not-so-lonely hells ultimately encourages me to write more. It reminds me that it's possible to be lonely - together.

That's right: it wouldn't be a classic kaleidoughscope post if I didn't manage to sneak in a Paramore reference. The worst part is, I've already written extensively about this song in a previous post a decade ago. My updated take on it is that it's a song about writing and writers. That's how I now choose to interpret it and the beauty of music is that you can do that.

Anyway, here's that "lonely" Paramore song, Be Alone:

Unreleased and keyworded - Freewriting the Grey

Robbed the arctic.

I’m sick of citing musical influences, so I’ll just say that I listened to Paramore radio... again. And Mississippi John Hurt as performed by my dad.

I went somewhere I should not have yesterday. In this place, I found it difficult to breathe. How are you going to tell people to breathe if you can’t listen? How can you tell people to listen if they can’t breathe? No subject matter, NO PROBLEM.

Err'body calm the eff down

Oooh heeeey readers! This one is going to be a classic angry Gabe rant, so you know what that means!
Put your wizard hats on. Robes are optional.

Okay, here goes!

---

It's midterm season. Yes, I get it, you have LOTS of shiz to catch up on, to study for, and so little free time to enjoy life, and ESPECIALLY no time at all to call dear old friends (HINT HINT).

Yes, I get it, you just LOVE coffee. Caffeine is what gets you through midterm season, right? Every other time of the year, you bitch and moan at Starbucks for being an american corporate anti-trust transnational whore, but when it comes down to it, you still need your grande, triple, skinny, double-caf, no whip, no foam, peppermint, nutmeg, vegan eggnog latte. With sprinkles. (credit for that doozy: Lamontagne, cartoonink.com)


What's that? You're sick? You mean you have the flu and a cold with pneumonia after a week of eating canned beans and forgetting to eat real food because "I was up all night studying for that exam!"?.

And there's nothing better for you to do but to go on Facebook and tell everyone else out there how miserable you are and that they totally don't understand how much stress you're under, but at least you still have that coffee date at Second Cup with that one guy/girl later on in the week and you just hope to hell it's not another creeper.

Well, wake the eff up.

You didn't have to get yourself into any of this. You didn't have to sign up for all those courses. You didn't have to dive head first into a program because someone told you you should. You didn't have to Double Major in Intricate Complexity Analytics and Bioscientific Congregate Diametry so you could buy yourself a fancy car and a house and feed your family when you're older.

And you ESPECIALLY didn't need to cram everything last minute. That's a choice you made when you decided to go to that "make-fun-of-hipsters" party instead of spending a quiet night alone at home with some trance music to help you study.

See where we are right now? We're on a hell of slippery slope, so I hope you brought some skates.

I hate skating. I hate skating in circles, anyway. I'd do cross-country skating if I could, but all I ever seem to find in Toronto are hockey rinks. Did I mention I'm not a big fan of hockey?

---

There. That's a chunk of my rant out of the way. But since I'm a nice human being (oh come on, I am!), I'm not just going to leave you in your hell-hole. I mean, you deserve it a little bit, but I'm not someone who enjoys GREAT SUFFERING.

Here's what Dr. Kaiba recommends: (READ: I AM NOT AN ACCREDITED DOCTOR, BUT YOU'RE STILL ALLOWED TO READ WHAT I WRITE. THIS IS MERELY MY OPINION, WHICH CAN BE TAKEN AS ADVICE).

1. Drop the coffee. Seriously, no matter how much you think you need it, you don't. If you're used to drinking a lot of coffee, slow down or replace it with green tea.
2. Keep a normal sleep schedule, as much as possible. You don't need to pull all nighters. REPEAT AFTER ME: YOU DO NOT NEED TO PULL AN ALL NIGHTER.
3. This relates to #2: stop drinking so much. Alcohol is known to interfere with REM sleep. Yes, I know drinking water helps, but it's better to avoid the ethanol poison altogether.
4. If you enjoy smoking cannabis, go for it. It's definitely a good relaxant, and it probably helps you sleep better, too. However, if you're not confident in your ability to remember things, it's best to avoid it too. Especially if you're a newer smoker.
5. This relates to #4. Study sober, write the exam sober. If you really need to smoke that blunt with your hos & bros, try to wait until after you're done your study session. Otherwise (and only do this if absolutely necessary), study high, write your exam high. Why? The brain remembers things best when the environment/context in which it learned the information doesn't change too much. (I learned this when I audited a Psych 101 course at Dalhousie University.)
6. This one should go without saying: don't ignore human beings because you think they're going to make you fail your course. You're allowed to be alone as much as you want, but it's not nice to ignore your friends for the sake of "writing papers". 
7. If you feel stressed out, feel free to text me, give me a call, send me an e-mail, write me a letter, Skype me etc. I have time that maybe you don't have or just don't see! I promise to do my best to help you out.

Finally, here's an equation (or is it a statement? I skipped way too many math classes, haha) for you Type A's out there:

Love in almost all things.

Alright, this one's for those of you who hate odd numbers: 8. Keep your chin up!

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Work.

We are looking for dedicated League of Legends fans living in the United States who are fluent in Spanish, French, or German, as well as English, to help us provide customer support for players around the world. This full-time paid position would require relocating to the Los Angeles/Culver City area to work at the Riot Games office.

This person will be working directly with me, Skribbles, Loote, and Pendragon, as well as the rest of the Riot team, to help cover a wide range of responsibilities in our customer service department. The position is a fantastic opportunity for a flexible yet driven problem solver to show their potential. Accordingly, every candidate must have a contagious passion for all aspects of League of Legends and an unwavering positive attitude.
Responsibilities

• Respond to customer inquiries in English, and at least one other language (Spanish, French, or German), in a timely and professional manner through a ticket-based support system
• Coordinate with payment gateways to gather information about charge-backs, fraud, and other detrimental purchasing behavior
• Thoroughly troubleshoot technical support issues with players
• Update the Customer Service Knowledge Database
• Investigate and resolve account-level issues
• Investigate TOS/EULA violations (yes, you will control the almighty ban hammer)

Requirements

• Must have excellent written and verbal communication skills
• Must have the ability to follow a single issue through to resolution, with a high level of accountability
• Must have excellent organization skills
• Must be detail-oriented, and possess strong time-management skills
• Must have a working knowledge of the Microsoft Office Suite
• Must be able to pass background and credit checks

Preferred Skills

• Basic knowledge of SQL and HTML will be helpful, but is not required

To apply, please send résumé and cover letter with 'Customer Service Specialist | your name' in the subject line to: careers@riotgames.com.

I am seriously considering temporarily moving to L.A. to get this job, it would be so much fucking fun. All alone in L.A.? HOLY SHIT I'M LIVING LIFE. I'm looking at green card applications as we speak.

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Pour your (crazy) heart out

It's all okay. It's all okay. It's  all okay. It's all going to be okay. It's all okay. She's here. Lyra's here.
It's okay. You're not crazy. No, don't look the word up crazy in the dictionary, that's just stupid.
What if...
No, you're not crazy.
Screw Holden Caulfield.
Did that feel good?
A little bit.
I feel like editing. I looked up already and I found a mistake.
No, you don't feel like editing. Who cares. Get yourself an editor if you wanna write.

Mesmerized for a little while, there.
Neat, huh?
Yeah, I always knew you could do that.
Knowing and feeling are very, very different, honey.

Shh! Keep your voice down.
Why? There's no one here except me and you.
But in the future, like... someone might read this and they might start thinking ideas about all this.
Right, and that would be bad because...?
Oh hell, I feel like erasing stuff already.
...
Actually, after a bit of reflection, it's all good.
You didn't answer my question, you know.
Oh! Right. Well, I'm going to explain what I was thinking. Okay. This ain't easy to remember.
-He closes his eyes and tunes into the space music playing from the radio-
The theme, it has to be fear. Fear and surprise, surprise and fea-
That's already too much Monty Python for me, dear. Do try and be serious.
Okay. Let me try again.
-Pause-
I was afraid. I am afraid. I am afraid of being judged for acting outside of society's limits. I'm also paralyzed with this fear when I think back to the moments in the past where I was so very alone; so lost and searching endlessly for the external proof.
Try and relate it to what we're talking about.
Well, see, I'm writing here, and practically anyone in the world can read this if they so choose to. And there's just so much talk about privacy online these days, so that's got me worried for some reason.
-Pause-
But at the same time, I desperately want all this to be read.

Sweet dreams.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

A caterpillar's tale

I was sitting in Kensington park this afternoon, watching (but not quite staring) at the cute counter-culture girls with tattoos and hippie clothes. Little packs of people with musical instruments and various trinkets were strewn here and there, and the smell of weed wafted in and out through my nostrils.

While not getting high, I was getting more and more in tune with the atmosphere of the people there; clearly these people were regulars to the park and as conversations about their life flowed on and on endlessly around me, I felt connected.

I desperately wanted to join in on some of the fun, but having been rejected far too many times before, I decided I would not risk it and kept to myself, propped up against a tree while eating brazil nuts. But I was not alone.
All around me, the grass shimmered with late spring vitality and if I looked at the greenery just right, I could see individual lifeforms busying themselves with their animal tasks.

The ants were scurrying around, patrolling their territory. The birds were chirping, singing songs of life and liveliness. Dogs barked; cats roamed and I lay down and felt myself melt into the earth.

And then, a most beautiful creature appeared on my arm. A fuzzy little caterpillar was quietly undulating, rising and falling up and down my arm hair. He seemed happy when I looked at him straight in the eyes, as he raised his torso up to greet me.
And I talked to him.

I told him of the loneliness that I felt, even while on campus. I told him how hard I've worked to be the person I've always wanted to be. I told him that I felt happy that girls were finally looking at me when I walked down the street. Smiling, now, seemed so easy. And I got smiles back. And yet,  as I recounted to the caterpillar, I rarely found the occasion to have long, deep conversations with people.

He understood. He listened, but offered no advice. After all, he had his own problems to deal with.

Soon, he would become a butterfly. His metamorphosis was imminent; and once he would be a butterfly, then he could finally fly around and see the world from a different perspective.

And so I asked myself; maybe if I were to undergo some sort of metamorphosis; some sort of change, then maybe I could change the world around me so that I could fit in better.

And as I sit in front of a computer at the biggest library in Toronto, I wonder if my walk home will bring me the reflection I so desperately need to keep on metamorphosing.

And maybe, just maybe, the girl of my dreams will run into me at a corner, and my loneliness will be cured.

Until then, I write.

Oh time

Time time, why must you confuse me so?
It seems like only yesterday that I had my long flowing hippie hair with not a care in the world for what was to come later with growing older.
Of course, I never really truly was a hippie. Yeah, I had earth sandals, and yeah, I sometimes wore funky thai fisherman pants, but those were just clothes. And yeah, I guess I kinda liked the whole peace & love movement. Why do we need to be so bitter anyway?

I'm going through some dark times. Well, I have been for a while. I guess that's because I'm not really doing much. I give up hobbies too easily. I need to train my brain to enjoy things and to not mind doing things repetitively. Practice, practice, practice. And then I could be proud of something, like drumming.

I had a chat with a dear old friend of mine today. He told me how he remembers how social I used to be, how easily I would talk to others. I remember it too, somewhat. It seems like for some time now, I have chosen to hide away from others. This is not good! And it worries me. The only thing to do is to become more social again, clearly. Strengthen friendships and all. Otherwise, I'm just going to turn into an anti-social sludge.

I'm doing yoga regularly again (I've been to my studio for the past four days!), but I don't really talk to anyone there. I'm slightly in the wrong demographic, and I'm too shy to really talk to anyone. To be fair, a lot of people go to the studio to just do their own thing, take a break from their day or from work and from being around people and many just want some alone time to do stretches with their body and mind.
I, on the other hand, go to the studio to have a bit of a change from my usual hermit lifestyle. And to get some exercise, to help me sleep. I don't particularly love doing yoga, but I don't hate it or anything. I know it's incredibly beneficial for the mind and body, so I simply just do it.

University is starting soon. Yikes. I hope I can get my sleep schedule back under control. I also hope that I can deal with the anxiety. And finally, I hope I can finally do something productive with my time. Time management has never, ever been my strong point. I'll have to learn.

Signing off,
Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Lyra's Continuum

Where do you reside, Lyra?
I am your soul.

This is getting real deep, real fast.
Do you mind that?

To be honest, the white page is enticing. It leads me to want to fill it with my words. It's just that all this is pretty personal. But it's real.
So you mind a little bit...?

Yeah, just a little. Not enough to stop me from pouring myself out to this pensieve.
That's good. Stay open about how you feel and what you're thinking from time to time.

It feels strange to have a dialogue with your soul. I mean, have you ever had a dialogue with your soul?
You're splitting the atom, honey. We're intertwined. Think of it that way.

It sure feels good to talk about this complexity of mine; this state of co-dependence. Of symbiosis.
It's good that you're honest with yourself.

Still, I feel alone.
Yes, we know. *Lyra groans*

Okay, I'm working on not being so alone. On talking to friends and people that have made positive impacts on my life.
It's difficult for you it seems.

Yeah. I like to pretend I'm independent but as a human being, I cannot be. We are social animals.
Totally. But you find your environment to be conducive to solitude, methinks.

Yup.
Don't worry! Like so many others have told you, you're on a journey. Hate to (re)break it to ya, but life is a journey, not a destination.

Peer support groups actually help.
That's good.

I look forward to being around other people more.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Sparse rhymes

I have the beats going on

I write a line; I beat a line

Chillhop messed up pop true dialectic hip-hop

Code switching to different levels

Right now I'm thinking about the meta

The place where I keep things digital

This place I call home is only pixels

But I want it to be more liminal; scratch that, I want it to be joyful

Am I alone in this metaphysical?

Crack into the independent; leave the corporate muck behind is the goal

Neon green coleslaw with bacon

I feel sad.
Not depressed mind you; just plain ol' sad.

I figure I'm going to try and feel the sadness and get through it by writing about it as purely as possible. It's not easy.

For starters, I'm already incredibly worried about paragraph and, to a lesser extent, sentence structure. I think that's what university does to people; it makes them worry about how things should be instead of what you want them to be.

I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm lonely because I have a difficult time around people sometimes.

It wasn't always this way. I think it has something to do with mary jane. I don't think she harmed me in any significant, permanent way, but I do feel like she's hurt me one too many times. It's been months since I hung out with her. At the moment, there's really no reason for me to hang out with her. And I see no reason that I would be ever alone in a room with her again.

Of course, there's no certainty in this; after all, Lyra knows I've failed to avoid mary jane numerous times when I said-promised I would.

I could so easily go and let her into my life again. Right now. But I won't, because Lyra is stronger. Tears don't lie: they are the non-sanguine flows of the soul.

Sentence.
Structure.

Failure.

I feel sad because I'm lonely, this I've said.
I wonder if I can find some real companionship that isn't in the realm of the spiritual or intoxical.

 I'm just an animal in a strange place with strange thoughts that have the potential to terrify. Not horrify; terrify.

That's one thing I've learned last summer: the difference between terror and horror. Supposedly, a good anthropol- no. no schooltalk no more.

i always thought I'd meet the girl of my dreams sometime during university.
without booze. without mj.
without fear. with love.

I'm getting better. Every day I get better.
I hope that I can hypnotize myself into the passionate Kalyrascope once again; and maybe then I'll find another brightly coloured soul just like me.

The dread of the winter

So yesterday there was a little feast at my parent's place - lots of food and all and some wine, the typical merry gathering.

As much as I enjoy eating chinese food, it's not good for me and I feel dreadful this morning, probably because of all the gluten in the food I ate. So I feel dreadful and lonely, and the whispers of the spirits around me are trying to help but I'm having a hard time believing in the goddesses and deities protecting me.

See, finding your own religion is a continuous quest to check reality against the non-reality of things that your eyes and other "basic" senses cannot see. I'm pretty sure that if I narrow down my spiritual ideas, it can be summed up in the Gaia theory, polytheism, and anything else that can be found in the His Dark Materials series. So why is it so difficult for me to find an easier proof instead of taking words from books and blindly believing in faith alone?

I know there are gateways to different worlds, I've felt them and I've almost certainly experienced life in a whole other universe (the many-worlds theory) and yet I cannot continuously keep trying to find Lyra on my own. My fears haunt me too much, and travelling alone is giving me a feeling of dread.

I just wish the tide would come and find me first.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore