I can't help but wonder if I suffer from a light depression, especially at this time of year when the sun is weak. I mean, the sun is strong in general, but you know what I mean. The rays of sun are just not strong enough to boost my vitamin D levels to normal levels.
I do take a vitamin D supplement. It probably helps. And I'm not going to go into details about depression, lest I offend someone who actually suffers from clinical depression. I can't help but say that depressed people are probably less likely to be offended than non-depressed people, given the lethargy and lack of caring about anything.
I'm not sure if I can say: "I've been there". I've read enough stories about people who suffer from depression who can't even get out of bed. I'm grateful that I don't think I've ever had to deal with that. There's always a candle burning in me, somewhere, some energy that keeps me going despite all the loneliness.
Well, that took a darker turn than I wanted. I might as well just write this post off as one of my freewrite rambles at this point. I'll do that. I'll tag it freewrite right now, so I don't have to worry about trying to make this blog post look more presentable.
Anyway, the reason that I think I might have "depression lite" is because I don't find myself laughing much. I'm creative, sure, creative in writing because I feel I have to write at this point. I think if I were to spend a few days in a row without writing anything there's a good chance my quality of life would decrease substantially. Writing helps keep me grounded. Back on topic: depression lite, also, because I don't feel like going out and spending money at places in the city. Ugh, I wrote something that's not true. I do actually want to try different things in the city. I want to, for example, go to the Science Centre. I haven't been there since I was in high school. It's like 20 bucks for a day pass. It's probably a really fun experience. And I don't think I would not enjoy it. However, if I were really depressed, I don't think I would want to go at all, and if I was forced to go, I probably wouldn't enjoy it either.
But I know currently I would probably enjoy my time at the Science Centre. So I should go. And it might help get rid of these blues that I'm feeling by opening me up to different sensorial experiences.
Okay, can I still call it suffering from depression lite? If it was full-blown depression, I wouldn't be able to function. I think that's part of the definition of depression in the DSM (fuck that book btw). But I do function. I've kept a job for over a year now, and although it doesn't pay much I pride myself on doing my work well. And I do smart things, like improving my sleep routine and improving my diet and willingly doing exercise (especially in the mornings; I just came back from pickleball and I did have fun) and calling friends.
So I'm doing all the right things to avoid the "darkness" - the bad dark, the dark that makes you do stupid shit because of ego or because you want to fit into society or, on the other hand, want to reject it. The darkness that makes you say to yourself: "fuck it, I'm gonna die anyway, why should I take care of myself?". The darkness that makes you think that it's hopeless to try and improve your circumstances because the rich have all the power anyway and society is fucked because of greed, corruption, and environmental degradation.
No. No darkness like that. Just pure, unadulterated sunlight, and a willingness to smile even if I don't feel like it and even if I think I look foolish doing it, there's a glimmer there. God, I'm just going to go listen to Last Hope by Paramore now and let the music speak for all these words I've crammed in here, after being triggered (in a good way) by the word glimmer.
It's just a spark, but it's enough... to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around... it keeps glowing
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