I am very emotional right now.
Today is a crying day.
My mind speeds out of control of my body.
Lyra; archangels; thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I cry my heart out to the world
The world is rich; the world is cold
How I feel and how I think mesh together in an endless insanity
But the tears feel real; so I cry a lot.
A shoulder to cry on
Some eyes to lean on
Some reality to counter the endless fakeness
The shroud comes and goes;
like the rain outside today
that perpetually
comes
and goes
Lyra; Lira; Lee-rah; Lye-rah.
English to français
Where is the continuity?
I feel lonely in my little cave
I feel very lonely at the bottom of the blackest hole
I'm an emo kid; conforming as can be
You'd be conforming too if you felt just like me
I wish I could call upon a friend in my time of despair
And in my time of despair, a friend is all I need
To accept me for who I am
and what I've become
Overwhelmed by the cold
Taken aback by the hot
I don't know how to get through this
And I need someone like you.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
Tuesday 29 April 2014
Saturday 26 April 2014
A grateful day
I had a better-than-okay day today, Lyra!
=)
It started out a little rough; some anxiety in the morning, but no hardcore panic attacks like previous days. While I was mulling around looking for things to do, I found out that one of my favourite yoga teachers was teaching a class in the afternoon so I decided to head downtown to go to it. I'm so glad I did! I felt great for the rest of the day.
The courage you had to get through previous days and to keep your chin up led to you having a good day. True?
I guess so. I slept poorly though, so this morning it kinda felt like today was just going to be a continuation of yesterday but it was totally different.
In what way?
Well, for starters, I learned about a panic-attack severity reduction technique called alternate nostril breathing. And I practiced a bit of that and it definitely calmed me down when I did it, so I'm thinking of practicing it more.
I also found ways to channel my anxiety into creativity. So I did some photography and I played my djembe today!
Show the world the beauty you've captured. As your muse, I ask that you not hide your creativity and instead let if flourish by sharing your capacity to create with others.
I tried to keep everything natural and local; these are plants from my frontyard and backyard. And there's a pile of rocks and some sticks too, if you're into that.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
=)
It started out a little rough; some anxiety in the morning, but no hardcore panic attacks like previous days. While I was mulling around looking for things to do, I found out that one of my favourite yoga teachers was teaching a class in the afternoon so I decided to head downtown to go to it. I'm so glad I did! I felt great for the rest of the day.
The courage you had to get through previous days and to keep your chin up led to you having a good day. True?
I guess so. I slept poorly though, so this morning it kinda felt like today was just going to be a continuation of yesterday but it was totally different.
In what way?
Well, for starters, I learned about a panic-attack severity reduction technique called alternate nostril breathing. And I practiced a bit of that and it definitely calmed me down when I did it, so I'm thinking of practicing it more.
I also found ways to channel my anxiety into creativity. So I did some photography and I played my djembe today!
Show the world the beauty you've captured. As your muse, I ask that you not hide your creativity and instead let if flourish by sharing your capacity to create with others.
I tried to keep everything natural and local; these are plants from my frontyard and backyard. And there's a pile of rocks and some sticks too, if you're into that.
 |
| ©GGH 2014 |
 |
| ©GGH 2014 |
 |
| ©GGH 2014 |
 |
| ©GGH 2014 |
 |
| ©GGH 2014 |
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
Friday 25 April 2014
Lyra's Continuum
Where do you reside, Lyra?
I am your soul.
This is getting real deep, real fast.
Do you mind that?
To be honest, the white page is enticing. It leads me to want to fill it with my words. It's just that all this is pretty personal. But it's real.
So you mind a little bit...?
Yeah, just a little. Not enough to stop me from pouring myself out to this pensieve.
That's good. Stay open about how you feel and what you're thinking from time to time.
It feels strange to have a dialogue with your soul. I mean, have you ever had a dialogue with your soul?
You're splitting the atom, honey. We're intertwined. Think of it that way.
It sure feels good to talk about this complexity of mine; this state of co-dependence. Of symbiosis.
It's good that you're honest with yourself.
Still, I feel alone.
Yes, we know. *Lyra groans*
Okay, I'm working on not being so alone. On talking to friends and people that have made positive impacts on my life.
It's difficult for you it seems.
Yeah. I like to pretend I'm independent but as a human being, I cannot be. We are social animals.
Totally. But you find your environment to be conducive to solitude, methinks.
Yup.
Don't worry! Like so many others have told you, you're on a journey. Hate to (re)break it to ya, but life is a journey, not a destination.
Peer support groups actually help.
That's good.
I look forward to being around other people more.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
I am your soul.
This is getting real deep, real fast.
Do you mind that?
To be honest, the white page is enticing. It leads me to want to fill it with my words. It's just that all this is pretty personal. But it's real.
So you mind a little bit...?
Yeah, just a little. Not enough to stop me from pouring myself out to this pensieve.
That's good. Stay open about how you feel and what you're thinking from time to time.
It feels strange to have a dialogue with your soul. I mean, have you ever had a dialogue with your soul?
You're splitting the atom, honey. We're intertwined. Think of it that way.
It sure feels good to talk about this complexity of mine; this state of co-dependence. Of symbiosis.
It's good that you're honest with yourself.
Still, I feel alone.
Yes, we know. *Lyra groans*
Okay, I'm working on not being so alone. On talking to friends and people that have made positive impacts on my life.
It's difficult for you it seems.
Yeah. I like to pretend I'm independent but as a human being, I cannot be. We are social animals.
Totally. But you find your environment to be conducive to solitude, methinks.
Yup.
Don't worry! Like so many others have told you, you're on a journey. Hate to (re)break it to ya, but life is a journey, not a destination.
Peer support groups actually help.
That's good.
I look forward to being around other people more.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
Wednesday 23 April 2014
Lyra's Humanity
I'm going through a rough patch.
I have felt very anxious all day; very jittery; I just have to move.
The side effects from the psychiatric medications are scaring me.
The shortness of breath makes me feel like I'm not breathing; and my anxiety is compounded by this lack of breathing.
Remember yesterday. Deep breaths.
I'm so happy that I can connect with you, Lyra. I know we're the same person and yet you're different than me.
I am here to help; always. Tap into my energy more, darling.
I withdraw into my own world because I've opened up to the wrong people before. By the wrong people, I mean the psychiatrists, the nurses, the whole fucking shebang at CAMH. I told them true things and the only thing they could do was give me another fucking label: schizo-affective disorder. A mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic and #YOLO I'm on my way home! HA.
I have a rage against the mental health system that will be tempered by activism.
Good. Channel positive vibes. Don't victimize yourself unnecessarily.
I needed help. And the best they could do was prescribe me a medication and then offer me services like rec therapy (which was a positive experience) and manicures (something I still haven't tried).
And now you struggle. I understand what you're feeling. The meds are causing problems and they are hurting you. But one thing the meds cannot do is take away your hope and recovery. You have me, and you have good friends. Open up to them more.
*Gabriel feels tears of happysadness welling up*
Screw the apathy. Loneliness is the root cause of my problems.
Lyra, I feel numb and anxious. A horrible discomfort in my stomach; the punches of millions of little psyche-actresses trying to tear me down.
The ocean like the stars; la lumière illumine les ténèbres en toi. L'amour des astres. Rafaelle, aide moi.
I will get better. I am better after writing.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
I have felt very anxious all day; very jittery; I just have to move.
The side effects from the psychiatric medications are scaring me.
The shortness of breath makes me feel like I'm not breathing; and my anxiety is compounded by this lack of breathing.
Remember yesterday. Deep breaths.
I'm so happy that I can connect with you, Lyra. I know we're the same person and yet you're different than me.
I am here to help; always. Tap into my energy more, darling.
I withdraw into my own world because I've opened up to the wrong people before. By the wrong people, I mean the psychiatrists, the nurses, the whole fucking shebang at CAMH. I told them true things and the only thing they could do was give me another fucking label: schizo-affective disorder. A mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic and #YOLO I'm on my way home! HA.
I have a rage against the mental health system that will be tempered by activism.
Good. Channel positive vibes. Don't victimize yourself unnecessarily.
I needed help. And the best they could do was prescribe me a medication and then offer me services like rec therapy (which was a positive experience) and manicures (something I still haven't tried).
And now you struggle. I understand what you're feeling. The meds are causing problems and they are hurting you. But one thing the meds cannot do is take away your hope and recovery. You have me, and you have good friends. Open up to them more.
*Gabriel feels tears of happysadness welling up*
Screw the apathy. Loneliness is the root cause of my problems.
Lyra, I feel numb and anxious. A horrible discomfort in my stomach; the punches of millions of little psyche-actresses trying to tear me down.
The ocean like the stars; la lumière illumine les ténèbres en toi. L'amour des astres. Rafaelle, aide moi.
I will get better. I am better after writing.
 |
| Paintings in Strathroy; Sep 2013 |
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
Tuesday 22 April 2014
Some words about angels
Okay. I want to take a deep breath.
I took a *somewhat* deep breath.
I'm going to try again.
In and out.
LYRA!
Shhhhh it's okay; it's okay. You're not perfect.
If I could, I would give you one of my rare hugs. It seems they're getting less and less rare by the day, though.
That's a good thing.
Are you an angel?
No, but you might be.
How...?
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The meds hurt me.
...? They've... Oh. The anti-psychotics; yeah. Don't worry; you're stronger than you think.
I miss you.
And I love you.
Rafaelle? Raphael? Rafael...
-
So I believe in angels. I am not an atheist. I am not an atheist. I am a theist. I am not atheist.
I am what I am no matter what is said about me.
There is no love in hatred.
Ergo, I do my best not to hate.
Well, I still really dislike mosquitoes and bad bread.
The irony of the matter is that I don't eat bread anymore and here I am writing under this dough-guise.
Relax. Isn't this writing therapeutic?
It really is. I don't even need an audience. Yet I still publish... why?
You have a desire for recognition. And you've got it!
=)
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
I took a *somewhat* deep breath.
I'm going to try again.
In and out.
LYRA!
Shhhhh it's okay; it's okay. You're not perfect.
If I could, I would give you one of my rare hugs. It seems they're getting less and less rare by the day, though.
That's a good thing.
Are you an angel?
No, but you might be.
How...?
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The meds hurt me.
...? They've... Oh. The anti-psychotics; yeah. Don't worry; you're stronger than you think.
I miss you.
And I love you.
Rafaelle? Raphael? Rafael...
 |
| Photoshop cred: Unknown. However, this was created for me when I was a young teenager. Oh yeah, and the lens flare is my doing; naturally. |
So I believe in angels. I am not an atheist. I am not an atheist. I am a theist. I am not atheist.
I am what I am no matter what is said about me.
There is no love in hatred.
Ergo, I do my best not to hate.
Well, I still really dislike mosquitoes and bad bread.
The irony of the matter is that I don't eat bread anymore and here I am writing under this dough-guise.
Relax. Isn't this writing therapeutic?
It really is. I don't even need an audience. Yet I still publish... why?
You have a desire for recognition. And you've got it!
=)
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
Sunday 20 April 2014
Freewrite Red
What a strange place I find myself; mentally, I mean.
Sure, Holden Caulfield had his ridiculously stupid Red Hunting Hat or whatever, but if I'm not a hunter, then what am I?
English. English grammar. Spelled with an -ar at the end.
It's not easy to freewrite when all around you is grey matter. Grey matters most when you're looking for a place that you know.
Nothing makes cents; some things make dimes; and some things make dollars.
Things? What is philosophy if not slavery to a torment?
Lady Sylvanas Windrunner wisely puts it: "What are we if not slaves to this torment?".
Luckily for me, I'm still a horde player in World of Warcraft.
Yeah, I started playing again; after years of separation, a little bit of the game is not going to hurt. In all truth, I welcome the escape. I need the escape for a little while for I've become far too self-conscious.
It's not easy freewriting to the world, especially when you feel like you can be read like a semi-open book.
Not that I'm a cyborg or anything - last I checked, I was a human being, despite feeling like a number in recent encounters with the system.
I should upload a picture.
Which one shall I pick?
I found this one on my computer. Looks like Eevee evolutions to me. I apologize to the content creator: I have no idea where this is taken from.
Eevee is a sweet Pokémon.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
Sure, Holden Caulfield had his ridiculously stupid Red Hunting Hat or whatever, but if I'm not a hunter, then what am I?
English. English grammar. Spelled with an -ar at the end.
It's not easy to freewrite when all around you is grey matter. Grey matters most when you're looking for a place that you know.
Nothing makes cents; some things make dimes; and some things make dollars.
Things? What is philosophy if not slavery to a torment?
Lady Sylvanas Windrunner wisely puts it: "What are we if not slaves to this torment?".
Luckily for me, I'm still a horde player in World of Warcraft.
Yeah, I started playing again; after years of separation, a little bit of the game is not going to hurt. In all truth, I welcome the escape. I need the escape for a little while for I've become far too self-conscious.
It's not easy freewriting to the world, especially when you feel like you can be read like a semi-open book.
Not that I'm a cyborg or anything - last I checked, I was a human being, despite feeling like a number in recent encounters with the system.
I should upload a picture.
Which one shall I pick?
I found this one on my computer. Looks like Eevee evolutions to me. I apologize to the content creator: I have no idea where this is taken from.
Eevee is a sweet Pokémon.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
Saturday 19 April 2014
Compostellisation
"Tu as libéré les ténèbres. Tu as produit la lumière, afin..."
To those worried about me, I'm feeling better today. I've got my favourite band playing through my headphones and I finally managed to get some sunlight.
Thursday 17 April 2014
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