In my previous post, I described some of my feelings toward depressive tendencies, and some of the things that indicate to me that I might not be so depressed. Of course, this is all personal & anecdotal, not rigorous scientific inquiry, so take things with a grain of salt, eh?
I want to explore similar matters and the topic that comes to mind now is luck.
I can't help but wonder if I suffer from a light depression, especially at this time of year when the sun is weak. I mean, the sun is strong in general, but you know what I mean. The rays of sun are just not strong enough to boost my vitamin D levels to normal levels.
I do take a vitamin D supplement. It probably helps. And I'm not going to go into details about depression, lest I offend someone who actually suffers from clinical depression. I can't help but say that depressed people are probably less likely to be offended than non-depressed people, given the lethargy and lack of caring about anything.
I'm not sure if I can say: "I've been there". I've read enough stories about people who suffer from depression who can't even get out of bed. I'm grateful that I don't think I've ever had to deal with that. There's always a candle burning in me, somewhere, some energy that keeps me going despite all the loneliness.
Well, that took a darker turn than I wanted. I might as well just write this post off as one of my freewrite rambles at this point. I'll do that. I'll tag it freewrite right now, so I don't have to worry about trying to make this blog post look more presentable.
Anyway, the reason that I think I might have "depression lite" is because I don't find myself laughing much. I'm creative, sure, creative in writing because I feel I have to write at this point. I think if I were to spend a few days in a row without writing anything there's a good chance my quality of life would decrease substantially. Writing helps keep me grounded. Back on topic: depression lite, also, because I don't feel like going out and spending money at places in the city. Ugh, I wrote something that's not true. I do actually want to try different things in the city. I want to, for example, go to the Science Centre. I haven't been there since I was in high school. It's like 20 bucks for a day pass. It's probably a really fun experience. And I don't think I would not enjoy it. However, if I were really depressed, I don't think I would want to go at all, and if I was forced to go, I probably wouldn't enjoy it either.
But I know currently I would probably enjoy my time at the Science Centre. So I should go. And it might help get rid of these blues that I'm feeling by opening me up to different sensorial experiences.
Okay, can I still call it suffering from depression lite? If it was full-blown depression, I wouldn't be able to function. I think that's part of the definition of depression in the DSM (fuck that book btw). But I do function. I've kept a job for over a year now, and although it doesn't pay much I pride myself on doing my work well. And I do smart things, like improving my sleep routine and improving my diet and willingly doing exercise (especially in the mornings; I just came back from pickleball and I did have fun) and calling friends.
So I'm doing all the right things to avoid the "darkness" - the bad dark, the dark that makes you do stupid shit because of ego or because you want to fit into society or, on the other hand, want to reject it. The darkness that makes you say to yourself: "fuck it, I'm gonna die anyway, why should I take care of myself?". The darkness that makes you think that it's hopeless to try and improve your circumstances because the rich have all the power anyway and society is fucked because of greed, corruption, and environmental degradation.
No. No darkness like that. Just pure, unadulterated sunlight, and a willingness to smile even if I don't feel like it and even if I think I look foolish doing it, there's a glimmer there. God, I'm just going to go listen to Last Hope by Paramore now and let the music speak for all these words I've crammed in here, after being triggered (in a good way) by the word glimmer.
It's just a spark, but it's enough... to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around... it keeps glowing
The yellow-orange glow of the candle next to me is calming. The candle is the herald of tranquility. The candle burns and keeps burning as I think procedurally.
In my previous post, I outlined a bunch of things I want for this blog in the future. For this post, I will just write whatever I want, which is usually what I do anyway.
I'll start by complaining.
I don't know why, but since I would say 2020, anytime I start to write in this glorious blank box, there's an extra space before the first letter of the first sentence. And usually after I write the first word, I go back and delete the space because I don't want it there. But sometimes I'm in such a rush to write something down that I forget and hit publish and so I end up with some posts that start with an extra space. I guess I'll add a permanent fix to my to-do list.
Now I will do some reflecting.
It seems that my diet has improved over the past month. I haven't had ice cream in weeks, which to me is a small but useful indicator that I'm taking care of myself. Furthermore, it's not like I can't just go into the freezer and eat ice cream: there's some sitting there. So I'm also practising self-control. A more obvious indicator that I'm taking care of myself is that I've lost 20 pounds. This is complicated by the fact that I gained 10 more after losing this 20, but hopefully some of that is water weight after significantly upping my carbs. And I wanted to strictly avoid gluten, like I do when I'm doing well, but unfortunately I just could not resist the onion rings in the freezer last night. I did, however, resist the hot dog buns, substituting crunchy romaine leaves and crispy bacon for a bun replacement. And that's a win for me.
Onto the weather.
Yep, all the snow I mentioned in The Perfect Snowfall is melting as I write these words. And there's a very real possibility that that snowfall was the last good one of the winter, which is a darned shame. The sun is hidden behind the clouds now, slowing the melting process somewhat, but if the cold weather doesn't DROP soon, it'll all be gone by the end of the week. Actually, everything might turn to ice because there is supposedly a low of -11 on Friday, which will freeze the melting snow into beautiful but dangerous ice sheets.
Ending with some gratitude.
I'm grateful that I'm free to write pretty much whatever I want. I could go into politics and complain about the state of affairs in Ontario. I could go into activism and promote a cause like the rehabilitation of wetlands for ducks. I could write about food and cultures and controversial spiritual theories here and not get into trouble. So I'm grateful that I'm alive and able to write here.
I'm so glad I kept this blog up, and that I keep it updated. It took a while to eventually realize that this place is a sort of lifeline to me.
I've described the Kaleidoughscope of Writings to people IRL as a sanctuary, an oasis in the chaos that the internet is at times. The internet is not at all the same as it was when I first started writing here in 2007. It's a little scary, actually, when I consider the sheer volume of technological progress that has been made in the online world, with many positives and negatives being added to the equation of human life as lived online and offline.
In other words, I will keep writing. I will keep blogging. And I have ideas - many ideas - for the future of this place, and I know that some if not all will come to fruition. Here's a list of ten things I want to make happen here, in no particular order, and with currently no specific deadline for any of them:
Bonus: A search button somewhere, so that I (and other readers) don't have to click through the different months and different years to find a specific blog post. Related to point #2, tags should help, but specific things I've said won't come up without a proper search tool.
*Actually come to think of it, ChatGPT helped me debug an issue I was having with YouTube embeds on my posts. This was only very recently, this month actually. The point still stands.
I've complained about the winter weather on this blog a few times before.
It's been a winter with very little snow. And I kept waiting for snow, and hoping it would fall so that I could bask in its glorious blanket of silent fluffy perfection.
And today, my prayers were answered! At around noon, the first snowflakes started falling. A few minutes later, it was more than a few, and pretty soon a beautiful snowfall began and lasted a couple hours before subsiding. And now, as I look outside, the shrubs and the trees are covered with delicate ivory-white snow; neighbours are out and about shovelling the sidewalk (which I'm about to go do after publishing this post); it finally feels like winter.
---
I went for a walk, more than an hour long, with some tunes and my vape. BC Organic Dancehall. What a trip. My cheeks are still flushed and burning somewhat after my little trek in this big city. And during my trip, I wondered what it would be like for someone who's never been to this place to be placed smack dab in the middle of it, seeing the graffiti and the trees and the fancy houses while walking amidst a maze of side streets and garages and cars. Dare I say, I was grateful for all of it, and that my own two feet could carry me through the snow; swoosh, swoosh.
Pretty pink presents precipitously pulling pale & pallid posters posthumously prepared.
Blue buds barely being bare; revealed, relish rapid renewal, rhythmically rinsed rightfully; righteously.
What worldly worthless writs wear within, wrung worriedly?
Obscure oaths offer opulence once orchestrated; might manifests majestically, morally, musically.
Prevailing breathless winds; opalescence.
© Gabriel G-H 2024
"'twas a good loss actually"
Those are the words I muttered to myself as the overtime wick burned for one last time this game. Right click left click wham; wait for CDs; right click left click WHAM; wait for cooldowns. Shift, shift, shift.
GAH. I'm not inspiring enough. I need to keep inspire up. Damage, heal, damage. Tank is acting insecure; so I step in. I dash out. I dance for a bit, then I wipe my mouth and explain the basics of Briggy to a beginner.
-
I look to my left; outside, the sun beats down on a cool spring day; WAIT. it's the middle of winter. It's wintersummer. Why is there no snow. Why is there no snow...
My mom thinks I'm crazy because I keep mentioning the fact that there's no snow. No, I know there was snow in this beautiful city. I know it will come back; the molecules are waiting, waiting to fall as crystalline glass in the jar of the globe.
-
Mei is one of those heroes that I first mispronounced the name of, before hearing it from Athena. D.Va, too. Brigitte, too, come to think of it.
My.
D dot V A.
Brijette.
Words on a screen; names on a plate; voice actors should get paid.
As for me, I've given up on voice acting. Abandoned. Thanks, AI, I guess. /s
-
I must not end on such a negative, chaotic note. Hey Lyra, life has been dull & boring; but when you're bored, you're probably not snoring, which is good in my case.
Alright it's time to come clean.
I've fallen into the K-pop Rabbit Hole. When I stumbled upon a karaoke version of Fifty Fifty's Cupid, by a VTuber (full disclosure: I fell into the the VTuber rabbit hole first!) named Takanashi Kiara, it got stuck in my head. I still cannot believe how much time I spent watching V-Tubers on YouTube, but that's a story for another time... if I'm brave enough.
Anyway, here's the song. I think it's apt to share, now that it's February. I should note I feel the beginning of the song is extra-special to me because of the lyrics:
A hopeless romantic all my life
Surrounded by couples all the time
I guess I should take it as a sign
I'd rather be a comma, tha(e)n a full stop.
Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall - Coldplay
---
It's been a long day for me. I got up early, and went for a walk around the neighbourhood. I did a bit of rearranging of my bedroom, and found drumsticks. I used the drumsticks to practice air percussion, and also, some ground strokes.
Speaking of sports-speak, I'm thinking of picking up badminton again. Except this time, I'll play left-handed. I expect this will be an enormous challenge, especially if I play against people who have played before. Because honestly, pickleball is straining my nerves.
Another bright day ahead tomorrow.
I don't care how good Apex Legends or The Finals is: I keep going back to Overwatch 2.
I miss 6vs6 dearly, but it was total chaos. I laugh as I say this, because I don't really have friends who play this game with me. Only randos I met online, which is fine, but I'm afraid of people I don't know because it's only normal.
Something I notice now, though, is that instead of having a main tank and a side tank, you now have a main DPS and a side DPS.
As of current patch, healers get healed by hiding. Of course I'm gonna play support; I ain't about to pop off on Widowmaker with my Joy-Cons, lol.
