Little sardines.

So I have a can of sardines in front of me. I've only eaten sardines once in my life, and I actually really loved the experience. I was sitting in front of my computer just like I am now, and I had a can of sardines. I was thinking "gosh, these sardines are super healthy!". And I felt great after eating these lovely little fishies.

I'm hungry right now, and I'm trying to finish this salad with good stuff in it that was going to go to waste if I didn't eat it like I am now. But I'm afraid that if I finish this big salad, I won't be hungry for sardines, and besides, I should be going to bed soon so I can wake up earlier tomorrow and accomplish a bunch of things that really need to get done. Even though waking up early to do things, in my world, never really increases the likelihood of my checklist getting nearer to completion. If anything, it really just gives me more room to procrastinate.

Anyway, I don't have time to worry about these things, I have to keep pondering over these sardines, or go on a tangent.

I have a really great friend from Katimavik. She often wanted people to play Sardines with her, which is a game that is supposed to be the reverse of hide-and-seek. One person hides and people go their own ways to find said person. When they find them, they hide together.

I think I was evil in that I always was consciously trying to avoid playing that game, because the closeness of being packed together like sardines scared me. Sorry, K! 

So until then, I'm just going to get my mouth to make out with my canned sardines.

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Sad & happy 1

Sometimes it's nice to be able to simplify things into black and white. Simplified does not necessarily equal "not intricate".

in·tri·cate

[in-tri-kit]

–adjective

1.

having many interrelated parts or facets; entangled or involved: an intricate maze.

Things that make me feel sad

• Losing a team game (video or otherwise) because someone didn't care enough about the game and/or gave up because it seemed impossible to win
• Having amazing adventurous ideas but no one ever having the time to do them with me
• Being afraid to mention said ideas among friends, especially acquaintances
• People wanting to hang out with me but end up forgetting to because of constraints (mental, societal etc.)
• Hearing and witnessing the cats of the house scream when they're playfighting
• Spending the day wandering the city looking for glimpses of love, hope, and happiness in public and not seeing it
• People hating on other people because of the way they choose to spend their time
• Talking about something that interests me to a group of people and having them get disinterested because I can't articulate what I want to say, or the idea in my head is confusing and I need more time to explain
• Not seeing the possibility of having someone call or write to tell me about their problems and stories
• Songbird (music player) playing tunes that I'm not feeling at the time that I hear them

Things that make me feel happy

• Someone complimenting my wealth of knowledge
• Playing a game I'm somewhat good at with friends of my generation
• Learning games in a non-time dependent setting
• Getting the wanderer's high (similar to the runner's high)
• Being able to lock eyes with someone I trust and them being able to sustain the gaze
• Coloured duct tape
• Being able to sing without worry
• Re-discovering my Yu-gi-oh cards
• Being around people who don't generalize the effects of marijuana
• Being around people who are drinking
• Being around people who don't feel the want to drink
• Finding connections with people I never knew I had
• Discovering someone's philosophy of life in a one-on-one setting
• Finding (old) presents friends gave me, especially when the presents are unintentional, but also things that I can tell had some amount of time put into them, without feeling like money came into play significantly
• My purple ink pen

There are way better examples than the ones I've listed here; I'm not that boring. I just can't think of anything right now and I just felt like writing random things down. I better post this now before I feel like re-inventing all those point forms.

I am right-hearted.

P.S. If you can relate to ANY of the points I just listed, please love a comment! If you feel you can't relate to ANY of the points I just listed, please leave a comment! :)

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull

A little virtual green.

I will always love and respect Greenpeace, they make sense to me pretty much always.

The grasp of the virtual.

Year after year, the virtual world becomes more and more... developed, and complicated, and brilliant new ideas spring up, and more information becomes available to more people.

How will we survive?

I have optimism - the human soul can overcome all these challenges that the brain is faced with, barricades and flows of data, of sensory input. The overload of information that we are faced with, the myriad of mental dysfunctions that the psyche-actresses (I really love this word that I've transmogrified) have to deal with every day.


I think the human essence/the human soul aren't really related to sensory information, there's a distinction there. You can -feel- alive, but is that -feeling- a sense? A sense of being alive? Can you sense your existence in much the same way that you can feel picking up a piece of paper and taking a pen to write something down?

To put things into perspective: Today, after waking up and noticing that AGAIN my beautiful and yet irritating computer had decided not to make the connection to the internet, I spent a couple hours just trying to get a permanent fix so that I never have to wait for my internet connection to reconnect when I reboot/sleep my computer.

And I couldn't connect to the internet, it sucked, I wanted to check my e-mail (and maybe Facebook, I admit), and just be assured that I could contact people if perchance someone finally invited me to go somewhere (out of this place).

So in frustration, I made a wise choice and picked up my bicycle helmet and my "equal-to-my-computer" beautiful bike, and rode east, with very little to no destination in mind. It was a great day to do this, no clouds, and it was always sunny.

The only two things that really bothered me were:
a) Knowing I'd have to (or that I would) deal with the virtual world when I came back and
b) The snow on the side of the road that made it difficult for me to have enough space to navigate with the car-people (very few truck-monsters, luckily)

Otherwise, I have NOTHING but positive things to say about my hour-and-a-half trip through east-of-this-house Toronto.

If you're curious, I made a very rough path on Google Maps of the trip that I made.


View Escape from Internet Failure in a larger map


Anyway. It's kind of really depressing that this blog entry was meant to illustrate how there are ways to escape/ignore/get rid of the grasp that the ever-advancing technological pollution has on our existence.


But this blog isn't solely for me, it's for you out there, whoever you are, and that's why I keep writing and that's why I keep existing.


I'm wearing my purple magician's sweater, so I thought I'd add even more multimedia to this post, and to wrap it up:

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull


 P.S. So I finally got a webcam after years and years of wanting one. I have this cognitive dissonant space in my head: On one hand, I want to share my ideas, but on the other, there's so much crap online already.
Oh well, I'll let some database engineer worry about it. :)

An ode to long hair

I once audited an English class at Dalhousie where the poet-teacher explained what an ode was. I don't really remember the definition, but who needs those anyway? Not on my blog.
---
Long hair, I miss thee
Why must you have been so cruelly cut away not by the greed, but by the need for
Recognition among those who so lovingly wanted thee to be someone shorter indeed

I miss your ends split among thieves, the girls who couldn't resist the urge to electrify
The ones who decrepify my fear of being too close, too near to the touch of another soul
And so why must I wait, so patiently and yet so carelessly, and yet...

You once represented my jealousy that I could perceive with too much clarity
I cut you off by the pressures of others who couldn't resist the urge to taunt me

We could have been together forever
You ruined it now
I hope you sleep and I know you've dreamt it
And when the memories bring back the emotional flood
Remember this:
This too, will pass.
---
Who knew my hair could have so much character?

An inventory of being right before insanity.

Unit 1 Lesson 5

Part A)

I am Gabriel.

I am 19 years old; never feel like I’m in the mould.

I live my life as simply as I can, but I can’t stay simple in this complex world.

I like computers; it’s a little too much sometimes, makes me feel like a robot.

I like a variety of foods, but the delicious scent of curry is what makes my mouth water.

My identity is in shambles, maybe that’s because my family is a little lost too.

I hope for better days to come ahead; fitting in with people just as lost as I am.

I try to listen to my own ideas, but too often they become clouded with others’.

I’m scared of losing myself in the big rat race.

As if I could ever find my way out of this maze; this life.

I’ve stopped watching TV, the shows can’t make me believe what I see.

Can’t handwrite too well, all topsy-turvy and mixed with crude capitals.

I don’t believe in God, but I do believe that the universe supports me.

Once I believed in free love, and grew my hair just like the hippies.

Cut my hair off, gave it to charity, made a cancer victim somewhere out there pretty happy.

Sometimes my brain gets ahead of me; can’t quite say out loud what I mean to say.

I’m sickened by the consumerist lifestyle; wish I could escape from this ailing society.

All these celebrities being praised for what they do.

When really I’m my own celebrity, consciously deciding what’s best for me and sometimes the people around me.

I avoid passing quick judgements about others, scared that they’ll do the same to me.

I might live off ramen noodles, but I try and stick to the fruits and veggies.

After all, being healthy is what life is all about.

If you can’t be healthy, you can’t function to your best ability in society.

At least that’s what my mother told me.

I am Gabriel, and this is 2010.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

I never finished my correspondence english course.

I thought it was stupid.

And it is.

Oh, and the 6th line from the bottom is almost wholly inaccurate for the sake of healthiness. Maybe it explains the title of this blog post.

Dear valentine

Dear blog,

What are you if not my valentine for the day? What am I to do, if not to propose to you that you be my valentine?

At the rocks at the Ravine this morning, I tried to find, but especially see something that might give me a meaning for today. It would have been nice to ask one of them to be my valentine, but the reciprocation wouldn't have been there, as they see so many people, teenager loiterers and dog walker extraordinaires; I don't think I could have stood out nearly as much as I think I should at a place like that.

Where am I to go to express my valentine's love on days where the formal worlds that I once used to go to are no longer there, too busy being taken up by new, uncanny visitors, some who, like me, tend to linger in places where they might find a glimmer of connection, a spark of faith in having people to share idea(l)s with.

Maybe commas and me should elope somewhere, they might give me better room to breathe.

Until then, won't someone adopt me and my hidden valentine? I can cook, clean (within limits), and entertain. Oh, and I'm pretty good at a variety of games, especially the video kind, and I like to learn about anything that has potential. Even philosophy. I couldn't be bothered to knit nor go alpine skiing, though.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

The truths of snow white sorrow

(((Edit: This is free writing, segment the second, but with a title)))

Dreams and the aspirations of things that float by/
I wish I had more craftily ideas of words to pick from I sometimes want to not go back in time but relive the moments of schooling in the past that I could have possibly excelled @/
had I been more trusting of the world that I find myself breathing in

And if my communicative writing style how does it happen that anticipating of beings in things in themselves continue to find ways to stop to not stop the flow of things; it's like trying to be something that isn't transcripted from my screened mind onto paper

I hate how giberjabberish is perceived as being flawed even by my self conscious perception of what is there to cee


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Bubbles and other domains

I had a thought instilled in me at one point, about people and their bubbles ; aka, their personal space. People, generally speaking, like having their own space that they can call their own. This space could be physical, mental, emotional, all of those words that end in al.


My biggest bubble used to be my computer and the connections that go through it, whether through games, communication, research, but I've come to realize that this bubble is so big, so massive, that I can't really find the edges of it; the ends of it. 


And so my bubble in the world that doesn't happen through the computer, that happens in my head and with the outside stimulus is... scary. I can share it sometimes, but there's always a fear that my bubble just isn't real(istic).


So I spend time travelling to other bubbles, hoping that they can accept me, but acceptance is hard to find.

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Preparation is sometimes so terrifying.

Ever notice that when you have things that you really want to do, you sometimes find yourself limiting your choices because you're afraid that things won't work out quite the way you want them to?

Happens to me a lot, and it's sometimes rather frightening. Setting barriers that interfere with goals (I really hate this word, it makes me feel so lost in the worlds that I chance upon).

An adventure in a wide open maze.

Today was a cold day to travel on, but I did it anyway. The lastminuteness of things really make me feel alive in a way, giving me reasons to do things as they happen instead of pondering all the time what could, what should, what might happen next; or what is. The idea(l)s that were shared between me and J were quite boisterous in their own right, things about the world that seem to others as simple and yet as so complicated as this sentence right here.

One thing that amazes me about malls is the emptiness that you can sort of feel when no one's around, as if everything is a sort of playground waiting to happen. And yet, the play that goes on during the day at this particular place is nothing short of an affront to mother earth, the amount of stuff that is just wasted everyday is really an absurdity, when so much more could be made available to such a populous people.

If people who aren't moulded by their sometimes too-specific worlds were more open to the idea that "younger" visions of things might be more mature for an aging world, we'd probably all be better off.

But hey, what do I know, I'm just someone with no formal credentials and no steady job.

Signed,

Karma etc. etc./Gabalazriel


P.S. If I won the lottery, I would build/find an environment to share the love.

Syncopated drama king.

It's as if I have no choice, but at the same time, I have all the possibilities available to me.
I made decisions in my head, but it seems like nothing ever comes out of my decisions. They just lie there like empty broken promises waiting to be fulfilled.
It seems like no one gives a damn, because I never get to see the fruits&vegetables of my mental labor. They all just float away to be "taken" by others. I feel like they're shared, but if they're not shared with me, then they're not truly shared.

I have a few theories I have, but even if I share them on here, there's always the fear of the greed of other entities stealing them, so I guess it's better for now if I just list them so that the people who might understand them can take their own interpretations out of them and hopefully do something more effective than I can, because I can't seem to do anything proper by myself.

Spectrum theory.
Others-fulfilling prophecy (to put it simply, the opposite of the self-fulfilling prophecy, in that things are affected to my "sense" of self by others, and not just by me).
Chocolate milk dispenser dispenses happiness and hope, except when people don't believe in the possibility of it existing. I know at least one person who believes in it, though, so I guess that's enough for now. It's the fountain of youth everyone talks about.

Otherwise, I could just tune into the autoinfomercials and by something that was proven clinically to reduce the appearance of battle scars.

Either way, I'm broke, and likely indebted. But in one paradigm, it's just a few dollars.

A few dollars can mean so much, sometimes.

My psychiatrist.

Funny how words turn out, sometimes.

My true psychiatrist is, as far as I know, a psyche-actress.

She's sooo pretty.

Too bad the nurses keep her away from me...

Uh oh.

I'm filled with doubts in my head.
I must begin anew, from the pillars that strengthened me in the past.

Where did I all start this madness?
In Etobicoke first, then Mississauga.
I wonder, will UofT accept me there?
I hope so. I don't like being a reject.

Everyone knows the rejects go to the east side.

WEST. DIVISION. CHAMPIONS.

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