A light-hearted fire

So I'll get to the real heavy stuff later on in life, on this blog. Maybe this year, maybe next year, maybe some other place in some other world, but not right now. I need to stay happy, and stay in my own little heaven, however small it may be, and how ever lonely I may think it is.

I used to be pretty anti-astrology. I used to be hardcore into science, and facts, and facts, and more facts. Did you know that Sir Wilfrid Laurier is on the 5-dollar bill?

Nowadays though, I've been into astrology. Eastern and western philosophy, both, yuh-huh.
So I consult this thing called the I-Ching - it's a guiding light for me. I got the idea to consult it after reading the Golden Compass series. Because I don't have an alethiometer, I have to mimic Mary and use the I-Ching to get me a bit of truth in life.

I've also been looking at the traditional horoscopes that we have here in the west. I, being a Leo, am supposedly someone who needs to be in the limelight. My limelight has been growing, and growing steadily. I'm a musician, a poet, a creator of artistic things, and maybe even a gifted mystic.

Unfortunately, the current western world tends to prize normality and conformity above all else, so it's kinda hard for me to shine as a star.

Anyway, what triggered tonight's blog post was this quote that I found on astrology.com that just made me laugh out loud:

The element associated with Leo is Fire. Everything about the Lion's personality is hot, hot, hot. 

Damn right I'm hot.
Now it's time I set about completing my little goal of finding a girlfriend:
Hi there. I may not have six-pack abs, but I sure am hot!


Here's a picture of me! Gosh, why am I just so hot? Move over Pauly D!
Send me a letter, potential girlfriend! I'll send one back! Maybe we can even go on a date!

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Soon to be written

So I've spent the last week locked up inside a hospital against my will - also tortured and drugged against my will, but you probably will find that hard to believe, reader.

It's true, though.

You might think "Gosh, what a drama queen! There's no such thing as torture, we live in Canada for chrissake's!".

Well, you're wrong if you think that.

I'm in recovery mode right now, so I'll keep this blog post short. Just know that you shouldn't worry, I'm feeling okay now.

What's a pirate's favourite form of "food"?

CAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRBS.


this one's for you, Mark S

The sadness of words

Why did humans invent words?

---

I have a special relationship with words. I've had one ever since I started using the internet.
It's like words have feelings. I guess that's why there are different fonts and formats, and different types of punctuation marks, and different ways to phrase words to express different things.

But really, words attempt to explain. And words are meaningless without an author; indeed, all words have authors, somewhere in time.

Words are merely shadows of the soul. Little black symbols that your eyes see, and that your brain then interprets.
I get affected by these shadows so easily. Sometimes the authors, though they don't intend to, cause me pain with their shadows.
And though I could reciprocate the shadows with even more shadows, like I so often did in the past, I just end up with too much darkness and I never feel better in the end.

One of my favourite characters from one of my favourite games, League of Legends, has this quote whenever you move him around. He's a little ninja (technically, a yordle), and he says in his ever-so-stealthy voice "The eyes never lie!".
And it's true. The problem with my world right now is that the screen in front of me hides my eyes, and hides yours as well, reader.

I could be lying to you when I write that I feel incredibly lonely at this hour of the night, and that my loneliness has been with me for many, many years, never being quite able to let me go when I'm in the real world.

But if you saw my eyes, you'd truly see that I'm incredibly lonely, and that I long for real ____.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Abused to death

I am so angry.
I am SO sad.
I am so disappointed; but I didn't expect any better.
I am so fearful.

She is going to survive.
She doesn't like the abuse but she'll get the final word.
She'll take care of the smart and the ones in need.
She'll punish the greedy; the power-hungry; the abusers.

I am hopeful.
I am lonely.
I am not alone.
I am patient.

She is being sacrificed because of our collective stupidity.
She is usually loving and caring if you respect her.

He is the evil who has been "elected".
He is the symbol of the exploitation and corruption all around us.
His army commander has chosen to opt out of the Kyoto Protocol.

I am going to win my battle.
Him and his friends are going to pay for their convictions.

I love Her.


Who is She?
I know who I am.
Who are you?
We all know who he is; we're practically forced to give him respect because he is our "leader".

What's one step you've taken to help Her? It can be the smallest of things; every little bit helps increase yours and others' awareness.

---


First Canadian reader to answer the three questions above correctly wins an authentic present from me! You might not get it before Christmas, but I'll make sure to mail/give it to you A.S.A.P.


Leave your comment below, or e-mail me if you're shy.

I'll end this poetic post with a picture of one of my favourite homemade snacks: nachos with protein and a special dip that is my secret recipe.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

My real life's tragic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark

And that's where I'd love more of us to be, yeah

©Hayley Williams, Josh Farro

There's a reason

Something in the airwaves; buried openly in this song
Somehow the airwaves heal me

Somewhere in time; I've heard this before
And then Blink blasts out and deafens my soul

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Inteligencia

Seemingly out of the dark tunnel that I find myself in, where the tunnel itself is a vortex of "mindless" human beings working their asses off to live a better life, a light appears.

My dear friend N has written - with calculated magnificence - a blog piece that very smartly puts into a nutshell a lot of the anger that I feel towards the current corporations that "rule" the world, both offline and online.

While the vision in my head of how Google operates isn't as much of a dystopia as N paints it (most of their services have advanced mankind indeed!), her post certainly does bring up the important darker aspects that Power brings to those entrusted with it.

It is not often that I link to other blogs, so I ask that you pay special attention to her wisdom.

Her Magnificent Desolation

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Err'body calm the eff down

Oooh heeeey readers! This one is going to be a classic angry Gabe rant, so you know what that means!
Put your wizard hats on. Robes are optional.

Okay, here goes!

---

It's midterm season. Yes, I get it, you have LOTS of shiz to catch up on, to study for, and so little free time to enjoy life, and ESPECIALLY no time at all to call dear old friends (HINT HINT).

Yes, I get it, you just LOVE coffee. Caffeine is what gets you through midterm season, right? Every other time of the year, you bitch and moan at Starbucks for being an american corporate anti-trust transnational whore, but when it comes down to it, you still need your grande, triple, skinny, double-caf, no whip, no foam, peppermint, nutmeg, vegan eggnog latte. With sprinkles. (credit for that doozy: Lamontagne, cartoonink.com)


What's that? You're sick? You mean you have the flu and a cold with pneumonia after a week of eating canned beans and forgetting to eat real food because "I was up all night studying for that exam!"?.

And there's nothing better for you to do but to go on Facebook and tell everyone else out there how miserable you are and that they totally don't understand how much stress you're under, but at least you still have that coffee date at Second Cup with that one guy/girl later on in the week and you just hope to hell it's not another creeper.

Well, wake the eff up.

You didn't have to get yourself into any of this. You didn't have to sign up for all those courses. You didn't have to dive head first into a program because someone told you you should. You didn't have to Double Major in Intricate Complexity Analytics and Bioscientific Congregate Diametry so you could buy yourself a fancy car and a house and feed your family when you're older.

And you ESPECIALLY didn't need to cram everything last minute. That's a choice you made when you decided to go to that "make-fun-of-hipsters" party instead of spending a quiet night alone at home with some trance music to help you study.

See where we are right now? We're on a hell of slippery slope, so I hope you brought some skates.

I hate skating. I hate skating in circles, anyway. I'd do cross-country skating if I could, but all I ever seem to find in Toronto are hockey rinks. Did I mention I'm not a big fan of hockey?

---

There. That's a chunk of my rant out of the way. But since I'm a nice human being (oh come on, I am!), I'm not just going to leave you in your hell-hole. I mean, you deserve it a little bit, but I'm not someone who enjoys GREAT SUFFERING.

Here's what Dr. Kaiba recommends: (READ: I AM NOT AN ACCREDITED DOCTOR, BUT YOU'RE STILL ALLOWED TO READ WHAT I WRITE. THIS IS MERELY MY OPINION, WHICH CAN BE TAKEN AS ADVICE).

1. Drop the coffee. Seriously, no matter how much you think you need it, you don't. If you're used to drinking a lot of coffee, slow down or replace it with green tea.
2. Keep a normal sleep schedule, as much as possible. You don't need to pull all nighters. REPEAT AFTER ME: YOU DO NOT NEED TO PULL AN ALL NIGHTER.
3. This relates to #2: stop drinking so much. Alcohol is known to interfere with REM sleep. Yes, I know drinking water helps, but it's better to avoid the ethanol poison altogether.
4. If you enjoy smoking cannabis, go for it. It's definitely a good relaxant, and it probably helps you sleep better, too. However, if you're not confident in your ability to remember things, it's best to avoid it too. Especially if you're a newer smoker.
5. This relates to #4. Study sober, write the exam sober. If you really need to smoke that blunt with your hos & bros, try to wait until after you're done your study session. Otherwise (and only do this if absolutely necessary), study high, write your exam high. Why? The brain remembers things best when the environment/context in which it learned the information doesn't change too much. (I learned this when I audited a Psych 101 course at Dalhousie University.)
6. This one should go without saying: don't ignore human beings because you think they're going to make you fail your course. You're allowed to be alone as much as you want, but it's not nice to ignore your friends for the sake of "writing papers". 
7. If you feel stressed out, feel free to text me, give me a call, send me an e-mail, write me a letter, Skype me etc. I have time that maybe you don't have or just don't see! I promise to do my best to help you out.

Finally, here's an equation (or is it a statement? I skipped way too many math classes, haha) for you Type A's out there:

Love in almost all things.

Alright, this one's for those of you who hate odd numbers: 8. Keep your chin up!

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Strong influence

I wonder how it is possible for a stranger met online to have such an influence on how I feel.
An exchange of ideas; a mindful flirtation of words all kept within anonymity.
And just as I thought I was going to share and philosophize my world with yet another stranger, I was cut off; like an apple sliced in half, forever rotting into oblivion until its energy refills somewhere else in the cosmos.

Poorly worded metaphors don't bother me; English teachers who stop students from writing what they feel because they don't have the proper style hurt me.

I will get to Oxford one day and I will find her; somewhere in time.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Vested disjunctive

.

This is how I feel, it's my melancholy shining through.

Why can't people understand music in the same manner I do?

Am I synesthetic, or am I psychotic?

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Hi

I'm really happy today!

Sure know why.

:)

Hi Ea.
Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

My song

For the longest time, I've had a huge problem with people who claimed ownership to a song, as if the song was destined for them and them only. I perceived it as arrogant and disrespectful to the music and the musicians. Though I don't go clubbing often, I oft hear about the stereotypical white girl with her gang of friends who screeches out "OMG GIRLS THIS IS LIEK TOTALLY OUR SONG!!!!!!" when the DJ puts on a fun tune.

But after many years, I've come to the realization that if associating your being to a song has a certain healing power to the listener, who am I to judge which music belongs to who? Music, in my head, doesn't belong to anyone. The copyright belongs to whoever owns it; and there's nothing wrong with making money off music (especially if it's a musician's only livelihood). Obviously, most of the big record labels are complete money whores and really don't deserve their position on the current pyramid scale of power.

I guess the problem I had - and probably still have - is that a lot of people think that just because a song is "oh my gawd amazin'" that this somehow gives them the right to push it down others peoples throats - without being mindful that maybe the other entity likes another song just as much.

If I may make a dangerous parallel, it's very similar to the religious folk who push their religion down other peoples' throats without care that maybe their religion is only applicable to themselves and not others. There's nothing wrong with opening up the possibility that a song is amazing to someone else, but please stop there, unless you're invited to share.

On that note, I leave you with my song, or, to be more accurate, a song that I feel completely represents my life. I've tried to share songs with a close group of friends, but that didn't work out and in fact resulted in the previous blog post - all of the lyrics I remixed in Gabe (ft. Meto Kaiba) are based off my own reality. There's nothing "made up" in there. The Charm refers to my Katimavik group, if you didn't know. And I've left the facebook group that I've been in for more than a year now because I just couldn't handle how aggressive and judgemental they were of my music and my own being.

This is Solitary Shell by Dream Theater, off the "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence" album, which is rumoured to be an album all about different types of mental illnesses. In my world, it's an album related to my spectrum theory of existence.

Please enjoy. And to me, the most important thing is for you, the reader/listener, to listen carefully to the lyrics, however enthralling the instrumentals may be.

P.S. Is anyone still interested in my audiologs? I have a great recording program, a shitty microphone, and no idea how to host my voice on my blog. Any ideas? Do leave a comment if you can!

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Gabe (ft. Meto Kaiba) version 1.0

My hope's gone cold I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning snow clouds up my crypta
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be white
But your symbols on my wall
It reminds me that I'm not so bad;
It's not so bad

Dear Charm, I wrote but you still ain't callin'
I left my cell, my address and my home phone at the bottom
I sent plenty of letters back in autumn, you must not have read 'em
There probably was a problem at Facebook headquarters or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses too perfect when I jot 'em
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up man? Got a life yet?
Me - I fell in love, she's such a rainbow but I think she's a brunette
Look, I read about all the people you loved and hated
But I feel so afraid when you refuse to let me feel satiated
I read about all the shit you've been through; it was probably misery
But really, do you need to "Like" to get permission to write shit about me?
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your greatest fan
I even have those videos that we did when we were united; like when we began
I got a box full of our memories, man
I like the shiz we did in the park; that shiz was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this guys, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your greatest fan
This is Gabe


My hope's gone cold I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning snow clouds up my crypta
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be white
But your symbols on my wall
It reminds me that I'm not so bad;
It's not so bad

To be sung in the style of "Stan" by Eminem (ft. Dido).
To be continued...

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Alcohol & other drugs

Is there a place for the hopeful non-drinker, who has hurt all mankind, just to save, his own believin'?

Yeah, I remixed a lyric in One Love by Bob Marley to make a very important point.

There are very few things in the world that I'm consciously aware of that sicken me to the point where I use the word "sicken" to describe the feeling - but alcohol is one of them.

I feel I've experimented enough with ethanol to know how it affects me, and what pleasure I can derive from it. If I had to pick a spirit, I guess I'd have to say vodka is my drink of choice.

Most beer has gluten in it, and I avoid that crap as much as possible, but I have nothing against beer connoisseurs.

But you know what really grinds my gears?

When people are all like "oh man, we should totally get smashed together one more time before ____", as if alcohol is essential for human interaction.

It can be useful, but I get the feeling that SO many people rely on it to meet people/get comfortable with friends. It's really, really depressing (pun intended).

In my experience, alcohol almost always does more harm than good. So why is it even legal?

As most readers are aware, I smoke weed. Not habitually anymore, but I can easily say I've been psychologically addicted to weed in the past, and it took a lot of work to not crave a high. It's now my current theory that you learn more about coming off drugs (I consider modern weed to be a drug, but the 70s stuff, not so much...) than you do while on them, although you can learn a ton of things while high.

What am I getting at?

Well, I guess personally, I feel like people are WAY too judgmental about my choices in life. I've had plenty of people assume, straight up, that the only reason I land myself in mental hospitals is because I smoke weed. I won't deny that it may be a factor, but how on EARTH can you assume such things? How can you assume that weed is causing psychotic behaviour? Even if you try to look at it from a scientific perspective, the studies that link psychosis with weed intake never go as far as to imply a causal relationship. There's only a statistical correlation, which is almost meaningless as an argument.

And you know what I think?

If weed were completely legal (perhaps regulated similarly to alcohol), I think you'd find that the statistical correlation between psychotic tendencies and weed in the general population would completely disappear.

Always having to watch your back because you make a choice of what you wish to put into your body (remember, MY BODY; MY RULES) is not conducive to good health. In other words, the laws currently in place in Canada are landing people in mental hospitals/jails unnecessarily.

And the "Right Honourable" (rofl) Stephen Harper wants to toughen the laws? What. The. Fuck.

Food for thought.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Ketchup, life

So I figured today is a good day for all of you to ketchup with my life.

I got accepted to UofT a few weeks ago - I'm starting in January with something called the Academic Bridging Program. I'm going to be a part-time student from January till around mid-June, when my final exam happens. Then, to paraphrase a dear friend, I'm probably going to fuck off to BC for the summer.

Then in September 2012, if all goes well with the transition program, I'll be majoring in Philosophy, still deciding on a minor. I might even decide to do a double-major if I think I can handle the workload.

Right now, I'm employed with Katimavik, doing recruitment at various schools and career fairs for min. wage, but it's a sweet job and I've done it before. It really gives me a sense of doing something positive for the world instead of working at say, Mc.Dic's (making the world a shittier place for just about everyone since 1940!).

Today, I'm hopefully going to go play badminton. I'm not practicing nearly as much as I want to, but I don't have a reliable partner available right now, and that really sucks.

Card of the day:

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Fruity noms

So after a lot of reflection, I'm rediscovering my childhood.
I think it's a great thing, especially with all the heavy shit I've been dealing with lately.

Today I went to a games hobby centre (where the nerdiest of the nerds congregate) and challenged a couple people to a duel in Yu-Gi-Oh. SO MUCH FUN!

I brought my deck which I hadn't touched in... oh, EIGHT years, and promptly got my ass kicked.

Apparently, 8 years worth of new booster packs, new rules and a new set of forbidden cards is enough to destroy my beautiful "Legendary Ocean" water deck.

The game got SO much more complicated.

If you don't know about the game, it's similar to pokemon trading cards. You're trying to defeat your opponent by bringing their life points down to zero, using cards that inflict "damage". It's so sweet. It's similar to Magic: The Gathering, as well.

In another news, here are some fruity noms for you:

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Moving forward

So apparently, my blog audience has grown substantially since my last few posts. I'm really happy about this!
And thank you to all those who sent me heartfelt compliments on my writing, I really, really appreciate your support.

However, it seems a few people seem to think they know what's "best" for me. Some of them close friends, others mere acquaintances. To those people, please don't try to tell me what's best for me and my body. You're definitely not helping. I appreciate your concern, and I know you're trying to help, but please read on.

It's true, I don't really trust psychiatrists. I'm not saying they're all evil, but after going what I've been through, I feel I'm in a good position to relate my story from a patient's point of view.

Drugs aren't inherently good for the human body. Especially not pharmaceutical drugs. That's why there are side effects. The body doesn't recognize the foreign substance, and tries to repel it. The human body is smart.

I'm not saying drugs are bad. Some drugs have saved plenty of lives, and that's fine.

HOWEVER.

Trying to treat things like "psychosis" with pills and denying all other forms of therapy as potentially equal or better, in my opinion, is a terrible, terrible mistake.
Psychiatrists everywhere try to control the mentally sick with their fucked up "medicine" that they themselves have no idea of their origin. When I asked my assigned doctor in the hospital what they were injecting in me, the only answer they could really provide was "don't worry, it'll help you".

To that I say, and pardon the crudeness, FUCK YOU. You have NO idea what's good for my body. You have an idea of what's good for the general population, but NOT my body. Especially if I refuse your blood tests. You gave me a fucking panic attack, you didn't help me at all.

MY BODY; MY RULES.

And then, when you really need help, and they try to show you that mental illness is "just like" a physical illness like diabetes or a broken leg, they're using RHETORIC to convince you to take their bloody expensive pills.
In logic terms, we call this a FAULTY analogy.

Here's an example of a discussion about pill-taking I had with a psychiatrist once:


P: Don't you see? There's nothing to be ashamed of by taking a pill to help cure you. It's just like diabetes. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't deny the taking of insulin, would you?


G: I see what you did there. First of all, by definition, diabetes is a physical illness, not a mental one. Someone who is diabetic is deficient in insulin. I am NOT deficient in your drug. My body doesn't need your drug to function. Never has, probably never will. My body is probably deficient in nutrients, somewhere, but your drug doesn't help that. You might say it does, but really, it just cuts off the symptoms, and even then, it doesn't even do it that well. What my body needs is proper nutrition, proper vitamins and minerals, and if need be, I can boost it with supplements. But the human body always strives to be in homeostasis, otherwise we'd all be sick, all the time.


See, but trying to get psychiatrists to see this is like talking to a brick wall. They don't give a fuck about the truth, they just want to keep their jobs and the money associated with it.

Money should not control health. EVER.

I take herbal remedies, and they work. And no, they're not all "homeopathic" (they sure do love to pick on this word, though). I don't need your fucked up animal studies to show me that your pills are better, because they're not. What you're doing to me, the animals, and the plants you've immorally harvested to "cure" me is EVIL.

That is all for today, friends.

Oh, if you're into trance, I've kinda loved this song for a long, long time now.

Try to listen to all of it, if you can.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Grounding food

So having just been released from the most inhumane place I've ever visited, I was very hungry.
They did feed me quite well, respecting my gluten-free diet, but the food was still... hospital food, what can I say.

However, I came home famished, and decided to make a quick snack:
I don't have a name for it yet, but it's really, really tasty. Lots of spices and Omega-3s, and just enough carbs to keep the brain happy. The protein is ham and Mennonite salami.

The Mental Hospital

Tuesday November 15th, 2011

It has been one day since I've been imprisoned against my will inside this dysfunctional hospital. I was forced to take an Ativan injection - tied down and needled and all - for some unknown reason. But there is hope, very much hope at the end of this sickly tunnel.

How do I know this?

Well, when I was first brought here, I met an incredibly beautiful girl. Just my type: amazingly coloured hair, bright eyes and a lot of fiery enthusiasm. She's really sparkly, and radiates emotional passion.

Anyway, she and her friend J (who was not a patient at the hospital) were the only two people who seemed sane. We chatted for great lengths on how messed up the "system" is (duh), and how badly we wanted to take it down.

But back to this gorgeous girl... she gave me her FB account info before we parted ways to different wards, and I want to take her dancing. She even said, when she was in the bed lying next to me, "Ughhh, let's just go DANCE!". But as we couldn't because there were too many bastard doctors around. We both wanted to sing. She might still be in the hospital, but in a different ward.

It is now much later during the day, and my sister and mother came to visit me. They didn't really talk about all that much. My mother has worrying issues. My sister was more understanding, really. Just before their visit, I met a psychiatrist, Dr. Parker, who seemed pretty nice. She did ask why I didn't want any pills, but she didn't seem to care what my reasons for refusing them were. Instead, she used a faulty analogy to "convince" me that taking "Olanzapine/Risperidone" would be good for me.

Wednesday, Nov 16th, 2011

The lights are on! No, not the metaphorical lights, the actual lights. I feel I have a clearer understanding of what's going on in this place, and how to make it better (at least for myself...). It is a scary place, however. People seem to cling to other people who seem to have some sort of level-headedness. Already, 2-3 people have been clinging to me, telling me all about their life without really caring about my voice. Soon, however:

MUSIC SHALL SET US FREE.

It already has for me.

April 2013 edit: Looking back on this now, it still amazes me that the time I spent there was less than a week. I wrote this while I had nothing to do in my room, and later transcribed it to my blog. Nothing has been changed. However, I do regret a few things that I said, such as saying that my mother has worrying "issues". Honestly, if I had a kid in an asylum, I'd be pretty freaked out and worried too.

I did end up seeing this girl later on when she got out and we had chatted on Skype. We played a game of hide and seek in High Park, and later on we hung out at her folks' place for a bit and played some card games. Nothing romantic happened, but we were clearly just starting to form a friendship.

This story has a sad ending. Another day, we met up at my place, and we had a bit of a verbal spar/disagreement over me borrowing her Scott Pilgrim books and having misplaced them. I found them the next day and dropped it off at her folks' place, and never heard from her again.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Kitty City

So as you know, reader, I don't usually link to other content; I much prefer to create it myself, or at least, remix it somehow.

However, I'm kinda tired today after spending the afternoon checking out Occupy Toronto. What an incredible place! I'm going back tomorrow with my djembe to join the drum circle there, and I'll probably do some other stuff too. If you're in Toronto and you're reading this, I'd be happy to see you there tomorrow at 2:00-ish.

Anyway.

Enjoy this hilarity:

Indifferent sociality

I open the blue page.
If I see some red over the blue, I click on it, and hope that it's someone trying to contact me.
If it's not directly for me, I hope it's at least related to me, or The Charm.
If it's neither of those, I feel disappointed.

If it's someone new asking for a +1, I gladly check them out and accept or reject them.
If it's someone I already knew but who was somehow taken off my list, I have to decide whether it was a mistake or if it was deliberate. If it's a mistake, I'll probably add them again. If it's deliberate, I wonder what happened.

Once all the red is gone, I check the middle of the page. Everything all looks the same to me after a while. I don't go down the list and click "Like" on stuff I like, because the more I do it, the less it really means.

If I see some of J's newest pictures, I make an effort to look at them, and sometimes comment on them.
If I see pictures of a cute girl I like, or once fell in love with, I browse through them for a while until I feel sad about the fact that the potential for me to be with her is approaching zero. I then remind myself that they're just pictures.

If I see someone posting about something to someone else who I don't actually know, I wonder why I'm reading it at all.
If I see someone having a good time in Katimavik somewhere, I feel nostalgic, and then I feel happy about the fact that Katimavik is still going strong.

If I see one of my internet friends doing random adventures, I feel a longing to adventure with them; somewhere mysterious and not in my world. I then remind myself that I'm too far away to make anything awesome happen.

I then drag my eyes over to the right side of the page and see a list of people that I vaguely know but who I'm not actually friends with. I then click on the X repeatedly, skimming over all these people that I'm connected with by the 2nd degree, never bothering to actually add them.

Finally, I switch the main algorithm to Most Recent so that the machine doesn't fuck too much with the friends in my brain.

What's your FB ritual?

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Capital return

So I'm back from Ottawa, where I had a fun time exploring and living life with K.
We visited the Katimavik house in Ottawa after running out in front of a Katimavan on Rideau Street a few days prior, stopping traffic in the process.
I had gluteny Beaver Tails and they were quite sugary.
I unfortunately forgot my camera at home, so I don't really have any pictures to put up. There were a number of picturesque expeditions, including a photo shoot at Gatineau Park with K's family.

So I'm back in Toronto. Tonight, I'm going to a Night of Dread at Dufferin Grove Park, meeting up with an ancient friend from schooling long ago. Life is pretty sweet! I find I actually have stuff to do, and my to-do list grows every day. And I actually accomplish some of the stuff on this list, too, which is even better.

Other good news: I found my purple pen. I can finally start writing again. And K is coming for a visit soon.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Question mark

There is a guitar playing next room to mine, and the lyrics of the voice are incomprehensible.
The voice is soft.

There are burrs all over my alpaca Ecuadorian from times spent on the property.
The stars had not shown themselves in many eons in my head, but on the property, they were nice.

Late night fright

Halloween is just around the corner, but it seems like the fates want to scare the hell out of me early this year.

Having rediscovered my webcam and an old tee-shirt and instructions on how to make a ninja mask, I was of course up late dressed up as a ninja on the video section of Omegle. If you don't know, Omegle is a website I discovered a couple years ago where you're paired with a random Stranger on the internet and you get to chat with them about whatever, completely anonymously.

The problem with Omegle is that it's filled with idiots, as one would expect from people on the internet. The video section is even worse...
Still, I think my ninja outfit is making the world a better place.

So there I was, dressed as a ninja, creating fire out of my hands on Omegle, when the power goes out. It's around 2 am.
After the first second of panic sets in, I relax and happily find my lighter and look around for a candle.
I then head upstairs, and one of the most terrifying sounds I have ever heard at such a late hour blasts in through the window: a chainsaw.

A mothafuckin' CHAINSAW. My mind's racing and I reach for a knife as I anxiously hide behind the door, waiting for the worse. WTF am I going to do with a small steak knife anyway?
I can still hear the chainsaw slashing at something, I'm not sure what. It's not getting any closer though, which gives me time to think a little more about what I'm doing.

I look outside and I see some lights reflected upon the neighbour's house. I muster up my courage, put on a coat and take off my ninja mask and go outside in the pouring rain to see who could possibly be out with a chainsaw at this hour.

And in the timespan of one second, everything is explained: the heavy winds knocked a massive tree branch onto the power lines, cutting out power and giving the city no choice but to cut the branch into pieces to restore power by morning.

Whew.
Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Free writing: Segment the Third

Listen listen to the loneliness that is expressed by the fake recommendation that you spied on the other day, Gabriel. I did not discover it, I hardly discover things they are brought to me by the overexposed internet machine. Should I wish to be anything I want, I can be a semblance of my possibility of being simply by writing words that no one needs to read.

Jealousy jealousy does not affect me nearly as it used to but it still hurts and the pain is diminishing as I write. The blow it hits, but my armor absorbs and releases it through mediums that not everyone cares to understand. She, she could be anybody, but why does it have to be _____? I love her, but love is not as charismatic as it could be. If I philosophize too much I start to quantify the love - what if the love "produced" by those two outweighs the possibility of love betwixt the two of us? The certainty starts to grow on me, the music starts to get louder, is that the bridge? I don't like the music terms, I'd much rather make my own, but no one would be able to jam with me.

Jam? Have I ever jammed? I have jammed, but I also dislike the word, it shouldn't be pretentious but to me it is. No, still I cling on to the jealousy. I want to feel the jealousy, I do not want to act on it. I've already forgotten about the music, still she drifts back in my mind. The possibility of a dreamworld where she could be everything I want her to be... no, that's wrong, I did not want to write that. I shall try again. The possibility of a dreamworld where she could be whatever she wishes to be and as a secondary effect she could make me happy haunts me.

The clenching has begun, is it anxiety? Anxiety is an ugly word, almost as ugly as Zyprexa, but I'll take the former billions of light years before the latter, as a choice. The sadness grows, but it is contained by my health.

NO, NO, ENOUGH BIOLOGY. I still love her, I will always love her, only she can define the love for me, and I will not have to think anymore.

I could write on and on and on about what I feel for her. But I am afraid. I am so afraid of losing her because of my overdeveloped indecision.

My sentences grow shorter, my nostalgia grows stronger.

I miss you, _____.
A---y

Blackberry outage

I don't usually like to comment on current affairs, but am I the only one happy with the fact that the BBM network has been down for a little while?
Granted, I don't own a Blackberry, and I don't pay obscene amounts of money every month to use their service, but seeing the cries of people so desperately attached to their precious Blackberry Messenger make me... happy.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not happy about the fact that people are stressed out. I'm happy because this is an event that might allow certain people to reflect on their reliance on always being connected. Why do you always need to be up to date the moment something happens to someone else? I can see the use in emergency situations, but I don't believe that always being connected through things like cellphones 24/7 is a good thing.

I think I come from a pretty good angle: I myself can easily admit to being almost addicted to the internet. Not in the present, but most definitely in the past.

---

To sprutz things up in this post today, here's a picture of my supper tonight.
Despite what you might instinctively think, everything on the plate is quite healthy, except for the ketchup.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Adventure travel

A quick post, for I must get to bed.

Midnight isn't usually a late time for me, but I've stopped going to bed at obscenely unhealthy hours of the night.

And you know what, my fear that this would hamper my writing creativity has not materialized.

Most of my blog posts have been made during the darkness of the night.

I rarely blog during the daytime. I think that's because I've always considered the moon to be a source of inspiration for me.

But that's pretty flawed logic on my part, I can't even see the moon from inside this basement lair.

Vitamin D definitely helps get my creative juices flowing.

Now to the topic of this post:

I'm going on a little travel expedition again! And this time, it will be better planned and more local. I'm staying in Ontario; going north, then southwest.

I leave on the 21st. I won't be away for months, probably no more than a couple weeks.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Hashtag

What. The. F.

Has anyone else noticed that it's now commonplace for Twitter users in real conversations with real people (i.e. not Twitter "conversations") to randomly blurt out "hashtag __insert noun/verb etc. here__"?

I'll admit, I'm not a Twitter user. Yes, I know how it works. No, I don't plan on being a Twitterer (tweeter?) anytime soon.

I did fine for a while without Facebook, but I'll admit that Facebook is useful for giving some semblance of organization in one's social life.

Twitter has its uses, but I don't want to open up yet another social media portal to get myself lost in. Simple.

So while it is quite true that internet references often find their way into casual conversations when you're with friends (WHAT 9000?!), I'm not sure I'd like my conversations with people degenerating into broken Twitter banter.

To give an example, I was meeting with some friends at a pub last night. I don't remember exactly what we were talking about, but it had something to do with obnoxious people. And surely enough, N yells out "hashtag obnoxious!", which is somewhat ironic. It was somewhat funny.

And somewhat unnerving.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Maketreks

So there's this friend-of-a-friend of mine who's into homeless activism - that is to say, he believes in equality for the homeless. Let's call him T.

T interviews various homeless people living on the streets of Toronto and uploads videos of these interviews to Youtube. The profit he generates from ad revenues on Youtube goes right back to the homeless people in the form of care packages that make their life on the streets a little easier.

---

During Nuit Blanche this year, T set up a projection with some ill music somewhere in downtown Toronto, and I had a good time dancing. No, you're not about to see another lame video of me punching the air. I just thought that the setting was most exquisite.

Do check out T's interviews, they're quite fascinating! http://www.youtube.com/user/maketreks

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Free writing: Segment the Second

It's going to be tough with all these full stops everywhere they leave tear drops anywhere. If sanity is overrated why do we insisst. That's true she says, she inssists that I insist on insisting to spell insist proprerly to spell it correctly. If discontinued thoughts keep us from truly knowing one another. You can do it Gabe!

Just write write write, don't even think about why anyone could judge you on what you write. You are free. You are proteced from the darkness by the limits you yourself have imposed upon yourself. Even though you might think that you're not what you seem to be, authenticity is never too far, nor is it ever too near.

Quick quick quick write write write, there is not much time left. Time is relative. The music of the spehers doth not stop thee from being yourself.

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The suspense is killing me

I personally think it's lame, sloppy, unprofessional etc. if the only reason I'm writing a post is to write a thought I just don't want to forget. To my eyes, it makes my blog entries not feel like a piece of art, even though they clearly should be. Oh well, I'll try not to let it happen too often.

Here's something I thought of today:

I think that the most overused way of making others think you're witty is to say "the suspense is killing me" in a sarcastic tone (it better be...) when waiting for something.

Well, that. Or......
(Insert witty words to end the post here)


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Nostalgic death star

So I have a few blog drafts that have been lying around for a while, some as old as two years ago. The most recent one is a blog post I wrote about a week ago that's actually quite lengthy. It was another one of those "you know what grinds my gears" kinda posts.
Well, I was gonna finish that post and put it up, but I decided not to, after a good night's sleep. I have to tone down the anger in it.

I can't believe it's already September 2011... 2011! That's insane! I'm 21, and that's so hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday I was entering high school, and meeting new people. I'm actually in a really nostalgic state of mind right now...
I really miss high school, and those younger years. I wish I could go back in time and redo them with more passion, more vigor, instead of the passive let-opportunities-slide kind of mentality I used for most of my time at Vaughan Road Academy.

Also, just very recently, I decided to download the World of Warcraft Cataclysm Expansion 10 day trial, JUST to check it out... see the graphics... explore new content. But just to check it out, I don't plan on subscribing, it's already so much time of my life that's been spent in that game. In some ways it's taken away a lot of time I could have had doing WAY more productive things like writings, learning an instrument, exploring a new hobby, getting good at sports etc.

And I feel REALLY nostalgic. I find myself actually missing this virtual world that I spent weeks if not months of my life playing. It's so easy to get lost in World of Warcraft - the pleasing visuals, the list of never-ending quests to complete, and new loot to acquire and new monsters to defeat. It was such an addictive game, the game that rewards all the time you spend in it by giving you things to collect... I could easily spend my time living life in Azeroth instead of on Earth, just as easily as I could live in my dreams instead of reality, something I've sometimes wished for when the reality of reality hits you like a truck.

I wanna thank you, K, for motivating to write more on here. Your continuing support really helps A LOT when in my head I think "I should write a blog post... naaaaaaah". And for some reason this morning, the sentences are just flowing out of me like they haven't in a while.
Actually, it's been a very long time since I've felt like I wasn't brute forcing myself to write something.
Yeah, it seems like for a while now, I've been forcing myself to write, and taking a very long time to decide on how to word something, or what to include. Sometimes I erase whole paragraphs of stuff I've written just because I don't like the way it's presented...
But right now, right here, I have no problems with writing what I feel or think.
It's like my mind-body connection has been lagging, and suddenly the server stopped lagging and everything's alright again.

So you may detect that this particular blog post lacks in my usual angst somewhat. Worry not, that angst is still there, as fresh and present as ever.
In fact, I'm going to release some of that angst right now...
I have SUCH a hard time finding things to do in life right now that actually interest me. It's really difficult. It seems I've fallen back into my routine of being on the computer for most of my spare time...
And I mean, hours and hours in front of the computer.
I have yoga classes, and drumming lessons, and not much else going on right now. New part time job sometime hopefully, but I have to get on that...
So yeah, I'm finding it really difficult to find and sustain enjoyment out of something in life... a cool hobby, or really cool adventures somewhere. Or meeting someone new and exploring whole new worlds! But there's nothing like that happening. I mean, I still go for plenty of walks, but I very rarely ever meet anyone on my solitary midnight walks, it really depresses me. I wish it was so much easier to make friends.

I mean that. And again, I sink back to my somewhat instinctive reaction to say "I miss Katimavik!" but GOD DAMNIT I do miss it. I really friggen miss it, it pretty much solved ALL of the above problems.
I would do anything to do something just like it again...
I think that seems like something I should really do.

Katimavik = happiness.
I'm not very happy right now.
Do something like Katimavik to feel happy again.

Or do SOMETHING away from the computer. There are so many days where I wish all this effing technology wasn't always everywhere all the time always present. I wish there were people, damnit, people my age I could live with and do cool shit... all the time instead of being sucked up in a vacuum of solo late night hell and depression in the centre of the universe, wasting all my young life time away.

Because I'm afraid of being old.

I'm 21, and the number won't ever go down.

I really, really gotta find life energy.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Twisted fate

Am I getting up?
Or am I going to bed?

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Monday

It's 2 am and I can't seem to get to sleep tonight.
I mean, I haven't tried, but it might help if some lights were off and I was in my bed.

Over the weekend I went yet again to a friend's cottage and had a good time. I feel lucky to have so many friends with cottages, it's real nice to get away from the city once in a while. There was some windsurfing done, and playing fetch with a really big dog. There was also some scrabble playing, which I seem to be getting much better at lately. I usually don't do so well.
Or maybe my friends just suck.

I'm hoping in the coming weeks to have some interesting, introspective writings to share with you on here, more of my philosophy, if you will. Maybe fluff it up a bit, make it sound interesting. My mind has some considerable creative potential, I believe. I just need to NOT be lazy and just tap into it. After all, my mind has been with me all my life, I might as well use it to a fuller extent instead of wasting time reading the shitty newspapers.

Sometime, I'll write some of the ambitions I have on here. I can't seem to find them right now. And you might be wondering what I'm doing with my life these days. To be honest, I'm wondering what you're doing with yours. What are YOUR ambitions? Maybe I could steal some and use them as pseudo-ambitions till mine magically fall into my hands.

I miss reading letters from people. Not that I ever did get very many letters, but if I were a famous writer or something, I think one of my favourite things would be reading the mail that I get. Not so much e-mails, more like real letters, even though I guess e-mails are probably more earth-friendly. It's just that handwritten letters have so much more character to them.

That's it for now, good night and have a good Monday.
Also this was written on Monday, but my internet cut out so I just saved it locally then posted it later.

Stuck in my head

There's this song that plays in my head, and it's been around for a while now, maybe a few months. I don't mind that it doesn't want to leave.

It's called Calendar Girl by Stars.


It's a very emotionally loaded song, in my opinion. The lyrics talk about this girl who's going through life and finding the days difficult. The days and months come and go, and she's eventually glad to just be alive.

It's a really beautiful song.
I remember the first time I heard it, about nine months ago in Halifax. I was up one morning after a lot of drinking and I hadn't slept very well at all. The sun was shining brightly through the window that I had covered with a sheet, and so I decided to take my iPod and headphones and walk to this place called Citadel Hill.
It's a neat place to explore, as it's an old fort with cannons and munitions storage places and little tunnels and things. Also, on top of this hill, you can see much of Halifax and the ocean.

I'd recommend you listen to it sometime, reader.

---

I've decided for now that my favourite band is Dream Theater and I'm debating whether to see them in October at Massey Hall. I'm sure their live shows are really, really good. But to be honest, I'd rather hear them play old songs that I like, instead of hearing the new stuff they're promoting. They have so many amazing albums, like Scenes from a Memory and Seven Degrees of Inner Turbulence that I would love to experience live.

---

I'm 21 today. I wish that during my teenage years, I had had more posters of cool bands and been more of a quintessential teenager, lying in my bed in my room with my arms behind my head listening to some metal songs. Or maybe doing some creative things like writing (my blog counts a little, I guess), having long talks on the phone with a friend, or learning how to throw playing cards at people.

Somehow, I think spending SO much time on the computer has dulled me somehow. Dulled some of my personal potential, and my potential for enjoyment of many activities. It's definitely affected me physically, and very much so mentally. My perception of the world (i.e. my worldview), it seems, is largely based on information I've accumulated from years of being connected online. And it kind of scares me, that my brain has years of brainwashing from a screen.

I kind of want to elaborate on this concept, and my blog is a good place to explore this, but... I've decided I want to talk about it with a friend over the phone sometime. Maybe you, K, or perhaps M. Or someone else sometime, depending on how I feel.

I'm not exactly depressed, but I'm not really motivated about (with?) life.

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Glub glub and the mouse

Summer glides along so effortlessly and so quickly, it saddens me how when my birthday comes around, it is the beginning of the end for people who return to their learning domains to get stuff done for another academic year.

I wish I could fill up my HP bar as easily as seeing a healer and getting topped off before heading out to adventure Earth.

I drank some tea a little while ago, it was apple cinnamon flavoured.

I'll blog with some interesting writings in the days to come, I feel a little re-inspired these days. Just a little.

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Let's liven a planet, 1

This place is ugly.
We made it so ugly.
And we're making it uglier every day, warping natural resources into "stylish" buildings and streets.
Destroying ecosystems for money.

I wish there was a planet far, far away that would be willing to give a second chance to humans. But not all humans. Only nice humans.
Corrupt, evil humans can't go anywhere near it.
And there wouldn't be too many of us, but enough to have variety and differences.

Living in harmony with nature, with some useful technological advances, like convenient access to water, and renewable energy. But nothing anywhere close to the industrial exploitation that civilizations here have created.

And on this planet, everyone would have a useful role that is fair for each person.
There would be healers and lovers, laughers and singers.
There would be work, dignified work to keep you busy, and there would be no need for job interviews because you'd be recognized for what you are, not for what you can pretend to be.
Work itself wouldn't be boring - you'd learn skills that would benefit you and others for the rest of your life.

Earth, I'm truly sorry.
... To be continued.

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Fixating on my life; circle of nothing

I spend way too much time thinking about my existence.

Existence with conscious lack of efforts equals a waste of time.

Time goes by and memories that provided good feelings slowly slip away.

Away to another planet, lifetime, universe with "déjà-vu" is a concept that I believe to be real.

Real events and relationships among humans often make me feel alone and depressed, especially when viewed through media.

Media today has wrecked havoc on my perception of how people are.

Are we destined as a species to live and destroy for comfort and to exploit everything we can?

Can I find a way to help combat the destruction of civilization while staying happy?

Happy life, come back, I know you haven't left me.

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Volunteer me away

I think being cooped up inside during the winter makes me blog more. Don't you think?

It's not that I don't have the time to blog, it's that...well... I get lazy around this time.

Still on the Katimavik theme, I REALLY wish I could redo the program.

I could be a PL (project leader), but somehow, I'd rather be a volunteer and be a group member... again. And feel useful, and feel like I'm doing a difference for PEOPLE. Not for companies and businesses and corporations. PEOPLE.

I feel I'm kinda young to be a PL anyway. And driving a bunch of hooligans around scares me shitless. Even though an above-average amount of people I meet because of Katimavik are above-average mature.

There's a voice inside my head that tells me "to be useful, you don't need to be in Katimavik". Yeah, I know. Sure makes it a lot easier to feel useful when you're surrounded by people with similar goals and life purposes, though. 

Superhero night. I've never been one to dress up, but I guess I put a little bit of effort into being long-haired-Fonzie with "luscious red lips", as K put it. Once in a while, I get really red lips. I think in this case, it was something to do with the cold + warm mixing my smackers up. I think I could fulfill the french Fonz. When you look at it, the Fonz' quintessential "É" is best written in french.

We're like the power rangers, really. Katimavikers such as us are, like, super strong, when we're united. Climbing mountains and shiz like that.

I sure do like living in the past, because I'm quite fearful of the future. It doesn't make sense to have so many people live in so close proximity to you and not be able to share life experience. It's so unnatural. And I don't really want to go next door and talk to neighbours. Most of us live in bubbles. Made of bricks and stone.

Where am I going with my life?

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Mountain inspired

A quick video of my Katimagroup on top of a mountain, sharing a little Katimawisdom with the world.
I didn't think it was a cool idea at the time, I wandered away at the end.

Ha ha, Katimawandering was sweet, it's definitely a recurring topic on my blog, this wandering thing.

---

I saw an amazing movie at Cinéfranco (French-Canadian version of TIFF) today named 2 Frogs in the West. It tells the tale of a 20 year old from Quebec who just packs up and leaves home to go out to BC -with a backpack and barely any funds- just to get away from it all, get away from society's hold on us to make money and build a life with it. With so many anglophones floating around and a far-from-perfect mastery of english, she manages to connect with people with the help of a francophone living in Whistler.
Love and the raw beauty of the west coast made this movie thrilling to watch. And the difficulties of being around people who are in a totally different world were very realistically portrayed.

There's a very good reason I love this movie - minus the language barrier, it's very similar to my experience travelling all the way out east to Nova Scotia. There's even a scene where we see the little closet-crawlspace she sleeps in while staying in Whistler - one very similar to my "harry potter" closet that was my room in Halifax.

It's an independent Quebec movie, and it beats the crap out of any of the big american movies I've seen, it's so canadien. The music in the movie for a whole bunch of scenes was really, really good, I want the DVD and soundtrack, I'd love to support a low-budget film that's so well done. I can't remember the last time there was a DVD I actually wanted.

Et je n'oublie certainment pas que le film avait une très belle comédienne québécoise comme lead, je pense qu'on dit encore un pétard, mais je n'ai jamais vraiment pas l'occasion d'utiliser ces beau mots en Ontario. Waou, ce film m'a donné une sensation de manque pour le Québec. J'en ai marre de parler le français de mes parents à la maison.
Il y a tellement de la culture jeune-francophone qui est englouti par l'anglais et tous les autres langues qui se retrouve, dispersés et amalgamés partout autour de moi.

Au centre de l'univers.

http://www.2frogs.ca/ J'adore ce style d'aventure humaine.
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Mossy hissy

It has often been part of my "photographic philosophy" to tell people that I don't really like taking pictures of them. I prefer landscapes and natural things. People rarely seem to be themselves when viewed in pictures. I have something against the Facebookian mentality of living, and I think this condition is doing a lot of damage in modern society. Indeed, one need only surf through images on someone's profile to gain a superficial understanding of someone's life, even if they never really spend time with them. I say this from my own eyes, and from my own realization that I barely really know anyone I have on my friends list. 

I've only owned one digital camera in my life (the one that I still use), and there's something about people and pictures that makes me uncomfortable.

I certainly don't mind being in pictures, though. It's a good way of dealing with the swirl of memories that accumulates as we grow older, but it can be so overwhelming at times. I like to see pictures to stir up memories, and then hope that I get inspired to do something more with them, whether it be in Fotoshop or an adventure outside. Unfortunately, I rarely have the courage to just go out and do things with people.

So I return to nature, or some form of it.

The two pictures above were taken in BC, during the last two months of my Katimavik life. A majestic two months, without a doubt.

There was lots of moss behind J's house, and I felt so happy there. When people were busy being together, I was busy being apart, but not too far, in the wonderful woods behind the house. A treasure trove of nature, nothing less.

The beat down shed, on the other hand, was far elsewhere, atop a mountain. And I was so happy to see how earth had conquered the ski lift. I had to take a picture of it.

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You'll notice I've drastically slowed down my blogging. It's stupid and hypocritical of me; I just haven't been feeling too happy lately. And barely a few posts ago I was saying how blogging helps deal with problems. I've been horribly reclusive, to the point of despair a couple times in the past few days.

I think the (big) snowfall expected for tomorrow will cheer me up; terrible, I know, but somehow, I smile on the inside when I can just picture so many people complaining about how they thought spring had arrived, only to be proved wrong by a heap of white stuff.

Smile smile. :)

Candid pictures, I regret not. I was 18.

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Strewn fatalities.

There's something about being with a group of people that gives a great sense of power. Alone, the human does not thrive. When you're with people, and you're in something together, realms of possibilities open up.

Below, we have a carefully prepared biking accident.

Rigor mortis really bloated me up.

We did this picture for a very interesting Vancouverish project, which was to create a zine to promote sustainable transportation. A zine, from what I remember, is a sort of underground publication, and it's not a very "professional" thing. A bunch of pages photocopied and given out to whoever takes them.

The picture was taken behind our house, in an alleyway with frequent scooters. We then placed the picture in our zine, and distributed it at an event called Critical Mass, where a whole bunch of bikers show up and ride, ride, RIDE!

The great thing about my Katimagroup is that when inspiration went around, there was enough push from a few people in the group to actually go and do things. I thought this photo shoot was a pretty good idea.

Groups are stronger than most individuals; most individuals like to feel included in groups.

In retrospect, Katimavik taught me that inclusion is a very, very powerful thing. Feel the inclusion that you have in your life, and if you can't do that, look into your memories and find it, and grow from there to express it to others in whatever way seems appropriate.

La solitude ne peut pas t'engloutir.

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From the beginning.

Circle of life. Me, I try and think outside of that circle. Sure, life is what we are, and in a healthy ecosystem, things go in a circle.

But what about beyond that? Our minds have the capacity to transcend the physicality of life.

... Anyway, I'm thinking in the clouds now, time to dazzle things up:

Shoulders ruin everything. It's almost a perfect circle, but a perfect circle wouldn't leave room for any escapes.

This picture was taken within the first or second week that I started the Katimavik program, in Strathroy, Ont. Somewhat reluctantly, I joined in on this quintessential Katimavik group photo. It was a tough mental thing for me to do, lying down and trusting that my head would be fine surrounded by all these other heads, ha ha.

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This was taken in a park, at the very beginning of autumn, but with enough sun to keep things bright.

Strange, how I seem to relish in the sunlight. The moonlight is held much dearer to my heart.

But nights aren't very good for crystal clear pictures such as this.

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To me, this picture simply symbolizes trust among friends.

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Positive, positively charging up.

So, while I'm definitely not the most social being at the moment (however much I wish I was), my yoga practice at a very heartwarming place on Bloor Street helps me keep up to date with what goes on in Toronto. Well, at least weather wise. =P It's also nice that I get to meet people when I play badminton at various places; and of course, my wandering through the streets of Toronto certainly helps keeps things real... yo.

It's definitely not a good thing to keep up to date with the world solely through social media, the internet, and other modern forms of communication. I know this from my own extensive experience, having been connected to the internet practically daily since I was seven or eight years old, with a few escapes here and there. ((I miss Neopets, that's for sure. I was a millionaire at one point, and I was getting richer every day!))

My biggest "escape" from the mad machine thus far has been my Katimavik experience, which lasted nine months, from September 2008 to June 2009. For most of this program, the internet ((and most of the "outside" world)) meant almost nothing to me. It was merely a tool. It still is a tool, but I feel like the tool has outmaneuvered the user.

So, for the next little while, I've decided to use my blog as a tool, but with an intended purpose: sharing the love and caring that the Katimavik program instilled in me. Spreading positive energy, if you will.
The idea is simple: I'll be putting up pictures that represent/demonstrate the many amazing memories and adventures that I've done in the Katimavik program, with the hopes that it will bring back that feeling of being alive, of being at a place where I really felt my worth in the world. And the goal is for you, whoever you are reading these words, to go out and also find ways to make your world a better, caring, and perhaps more fun place to live.
With many of my readers being students, and with the end of the schooling year coming to an end soon, I feel it's an appropriate time to start this little side project, something that'll be totally different from my consistent whining and critique. (Okay, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but it's hard to lose the "young adult" anger that I feel when I notice harsh disparities all around me).

This blog has improved my quality of life, especially at times where I've felt nothing but despair and loneliness, and has served as a refuge away from the real world for many years. But it's also been a place that has  allowed me to document my journey through existence, however intricate it may be sometimes.

Before I begin a new chapter in my repository of ideas, I'd like to share a source of inspiration (keep in mind I have many!) with you. My long time friend Kate recently started her own blogging project, and she was actually once a contributor on this very blog, back when I was just starting this project of writing into this box. A very nice box that has always accepted my thoughts, no matter how wild they may sometimes be. Her blog, aptly named Kate Inspired, is definitely a place worth checking out. I'm jealous of how captivating each of her entries are! I really like the way her pictures add so much life to everything she writes about.
And that's what I'm striving to do with this blog now: bring back some life into this soul of mine, even if to you, beloved reader, it may just be something on a computer screen.

But to me, it's part of my soul. Or if you're feeling more magical, it's my horcrux, which also happens to be my very own pensieve.
If I only managed to be more at ease around Hermione or Luna, mayhaps I wouldn't need such a sprawling pensieve...

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