Free writing: Segment the Third

Listen listen to the loneliness that is expressed by the fake recommendation that you spied on the other day, Gabriel. I did not discover it, I hardly discover things they are brought to me by the overexposed internet machine. Should I wish to be anything I want, I can be a semblance of my possibility of being simply by writing words that no one needs to read.

Jealousy jealousy does not affect me nearly as it used to but it still hurts and the pain is diminishing as I write. The blow it hits, but my armor absorbs and releases it through mediums that not everyone cares to understand. She, she could be anybody, but why does it have to be _____? I love her, but love is not as charismatic as it could be. If I philosophize too much I start to quantify the love - what if the love "produced" by those two outweighs the possibility of love betwixt the two of us? The certainty starts to grow on me, the music starts to get louder, is that the bridge? I don't like the music terms, I'd much rather make my own, but no one would be able to jam with me.

Jam? Have I ever jammed? I have jammed, but I also dislike the word, it shouldn't be pretentious but to me it is. No, still I cling on to the jealousy. I want to feel the jealousy, I do not want to act on it. I've already forgotten about the music, still she drifts back in my mind. The possibility of a dreamworld where she could be everything I want her to be... no, that's wrong, I did not want to write that. I shall try again. The possibility of a dreamworld where she could be whatever she wishes to be and as a secondary effect she could make me happy haunts me.

The clenching has begun, is it anxiety? Anxiety is an ugly word, almost as ugly as Zyprexa, but I'll take the former billions of light years before the latter, as a choice. The sadness grows, but it is contained by my health.

NO, NO, ENOUGH BIOLOGY. I still love her, I will always love her, only she can define the love for me, and I will not have to think anymore.

I could write on and on and on about what I feel for her. But I am afraid. I am so afraid of losing her because of my overdeveloped indecision.

My sentences grow shorter, my nostalgia grows stronger.

I miss you, _____.
A---y