It has come to our attention that you have not been feeling too well lately. It is of our opinion that you are headed into a mild depression which, if left untreated, may lead to a more severe case of depression, anxiety and other psychotic tendencies. In order to prevent this from happening, we are here to assist you to make you... simply happy.
You may be asking yourself several of the following questions, all of which have answers:
1. "Who are you?"
2. "Isn't life like a roller coaster? How can I possibly always be happy?"
3. "How will this divine assistance work?"
4. "Who sent you?"
1. To put it simply, we are beings that you cannot really sense with the traditional 5 senses, but you can most certainly feel our presence.
2. Life is not like a roller coaster. It's a bad metaphor. Whoever came up with this idea did not want to you to be happy.
3. From this moment on, we will be imposing upon you no more than one (1) spiritual decree per day that will prevent you from doing certain things that do you no good. Alternatively, they may be more positive on some days and allow you to do certain things that you hadn't considered doing before.
4. We are here to help you. We are not here to harm you in any way. We have always been around you. We are your guardian angels.
Hmm. I accept.
You didn't really have a choice.
I think this is my subconscious finding more innovative methods to help me procrastinate on my book report which I should be writing right now because it's late.
Maybe. Either way, this is good for you in the long run.
Okay. So, what's the "spiritual decree" for today?
We'll get to that soon. First, a more detailed explanation of these decrees.
We regret to inform you that your blog will be the main headquarters for our operations, and so your decrees will appear as new blog posts, perhaps daily, perhaps weekly depending on circumstances.
Are you ready for your first decree? It's a big one.
Shoot me.
Wait wait, one more thing. Decrees will be in bold. Is that okay?
You know, for a guardian angel, you're pretty insecure.
Oh shut up. You still have free will, so I have to ask you a lot of questions. So that's a yes?
Go for it.
Spiritual decree #1: No more junk food. This includes cookies, chips, chocolate, copious amounts of cheese, fast food, gluten-containing foods, gluten-free snacks, fries, pizza pops and anything else that's factory made or just loaded with sugar and bad carbs.
Well, can't say I didn't expect this. Did you really have to go after the pizza pops though? Am I allowed gum?
Gum is the only exception. We recommend a lot of green tea to get over your junk food addiction, because babe, you're going cold turkey.
Hey! Did you just call me babe?
Some of your friends call you "Gabe the Babe", do they not?
*Sigh*
Well, there you have it. Welcome to my heaven (or hell, depending on how you look at it...).
P.S. I made this video late last night. Please don't enjoy it.
your glasses have returned.
ReplyDeletei find dealing with all feelings fascinating. they all seem to come and go, or hang out and linger, influenced by internal and external factors. one of the greatest challenges (and rewards) in life is being able to control these inevitable emotions, especially the "negative" ones. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have no emotions, no feelings (something i try to exercise while "meditating"), but in reality :) that does not exist.
ReplyDeletethe capacity of depression is a complex bitch and it's so interesting how people manage it, and where it leads to. whether its drugs, therapy, spirituality/faith, diet, exercise, friends, discipline or nothing, that list is endless. thereafter, an attachment to whatever coping mechanism is desired comes in control. without it, nothing changes, and with it is where the black and white magic happens.
Thanks for the intelligent comment!
ReplyDeleteIndeed, the capacity for the human species to adapt to varying degrees of external and internal factors is fascinating - no wonder psychology is an incredibly popular topic to study.
the capacity for depression is a natural response to intelligence. Simply understanding the way things work is depressing. Its not like being a depressed dog that suffers from neglect and abuse as external factors. Its about being able to sit down and imagine all the different walks of life on this planet and the inevitable and perpetual tragedies of human existence and one's own role as an observer to the disgusting, yet beautiful world we inhabit.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't have said that better.
ReplyDeleteI also feel like the repression of said intelligence due to external factors (e.g. fear of standing out) is not only damaging but extremely dangerous - with control comes power, and well, power often leads to corruption.
It's kind of scary to think about before bed. Oh my.