The Divine Wings of Tragedy.

I think that this will be the darkest blog I have ever written. Luckily very few people will read this, and as such it really doesn't matter. I'm glad, especially for this post, that I have such a tiny audience. I just really needed to write, and personal journals aren't my thing too much.

You know that feeling, kind of in your stomach, when you have this test and you look over the questions and you don't have a clue on how to answer the questions? Or just how you feel before a major test. I feel like that, perpetually. I can't give anyone the actual reason why, but I feel absolutely horrific.

I'd thought that with a little willpower, I could just make the feeling disappear. Obviously you can't get rid of physical wounds with pure willpower, but emotional, inside wounds? They're much less concrete than physical wounds, so I thought it was just a matter of wishing them away. But I CAN'T. It doesn't work. And these abstract "wounds", if you will, are starting to have real physical effects. But it's very very easy to hide such physical and emotional things sometimes. If people know you as a person who always talks and laughs, and is a very silly person in general, and you usually ARE such a person on the outside, you can't suddenly start acting completely differently, even though it's what you feel like doing, because that's what you feel on the INSIDE. And then, no one ever notices, and you're alone.

Another thing that can stop the symptoms from showing is the fear of something even worse happening is if the true feelings show through. Don't understand? For example: If how you feel does actually end up being shown to the world, depending on what is being shown, you may become an outcast. If you're acting horribly depressed, and do NOT want to talk, how can you expect yourself to function at a social party? At a teamwork-sports game? At school? At any institution where any showing of weaknesses are shown, perhaps the survival of the fittest rule applies. Because you are being weak, people don' t want you anymore. And slowly, but surely, you end up getting out of it.

But why bother with all these abstract thoughts? I don't know what I'm trying to get at too much, I just thought it would be a relief to write things down. It's helped a tiny bit, but I wish the solution would just come. I know the exact solution, the remedy. Unfortunately, I don't have much control on how to have it. And apparently, if I attempt to bring the remedy to me, it actually gets farther away. Bear with me, it's hard trying to code things so that you, the reader, do not know what I am specifically talking about, but so that you are not hopelessly confused. It would be embarrassing if the truth be known, really.

This will be the worst April I've ever had.
Be careful in life, things may not always appear to be what they seem.

-Kaleidoughscope.