The Split Cosmos

"And I've always lived like this; keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness... because none of it was ever worth the risk."

I hide my little reality, but is it a reality at all? Sitting in my worn black chair every day, I hide from the true experience that the world around me has to offer. Instead, I sit there and lose myself in the box in front of me. Forgetting, burying everything I know about the harshness of the present, I search for escapes.

Why do I hide so much? What am I so afraid of? I know I'm afraid of failure, but I'm also afraid of being perceived as different.

Why are we so split apart, me and you? Why are we all so separated from each other? We all know we exist, and sometimes we interact, but we don't really live and thrive, do we?

That's what I want - I want to live, not just exist. But I suffocate on the inside when I get overwhelmed with tales of horrors happening in developing countries, and poverty in Canada, and all the people who get sick and end up in hospitals with terrible food... among other things.

I worry a lot... I worry about wasting time, but a lot of the time I find myself wasting time doing nothing at all because I feel like I wouldn't be productive anyway.

Blah blah blah... I just had to rant a little. I just wish happiness was easier to come by and you didn't have to work hard for it.

Or maybe you don't need to work that hard for it, you just need to let the happiness in instead of being so bitter all the time.

I think I lack sunshine, for one, but I also need to keep myself busy, so I'm not always thinking about these things.

I had this idea of a little hobby to do the other day... go to different spots in the city and write letters to people. I like writing, and I don't think it's too difficult to write personal letters. It'll help me improve my writing, I guess, because I want nice letters, not ugly grey ones.

Well, I think I wasted my post title this time. I wanted a big post talking about loneliness and the way our society is set up so that we're all split apart and only to come together in times of dire need... but I guess that'll be for another time.

I am not content at all with my loneliness.