Err'body calm the eff down

Oooh heeeey readers! This one is going to be a classic angry Gabe rant, so you know what that means!
Put your wizard hats on. Robes are optional.

Okay, here goes!

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It's midterm season. Yes, I get it, you have LOTS of shiz to catch up on, to study for, and so little free time to enjoy life, and ESPECIALLY no time at all to call dear old friends (HINT HINT).

Yes, I get it, you just LOVE coffee. Caffeine is what gets you through midterm season, right? Every other time of the year, you bitch and moan at Starbucks for being an american corporate anti-trust transnational whore, but when it comes down to it, you still need your grande, triple, skinny, double-caf, no whip, no foam, peppermint, nutmeg, vegan eggnog latte. With sprinkles. (credit for that doozy: Lamontagne, cartoonink.com)


What's that? You're sick? You mean you have the flu and a cold with pneumonia after a week of eating canned beans and forgetting to eat real food because "I was up all night studying for that exam!"?.

And there's nothing better for you to do but to go on Facebook and tell everyone else out there how miserable you are and that they totally don't understand how much stress you're under, but at least you still have that coffee date at Second Cup with that one guy/girl later on in the week and you just hope to hell it's not another creeper.

Well, wake the eff up.

You didn't have to get yourself into any of this. You didn't have to sign up for all those courses. You didn't have to dive head first into a program because someone told you you should. You didn't have to Double Major in Intricate Complexity Analytics and Bioscientific Congregate Diametry so you could buy yourself a fancy car and a house and feed your family when you're older.

And you ESPECIALLY didn't need to cram everything last minute. That's a choice you made when you decided to go to that "make-fun-of-hipsters" party instead of spending a quiet night alone at home with some trance music to help you study.

See where we are right now? We're on a hell of slippery slope, so I hope you brought some skates.

I hate skating. I hate skating in circles, anyway. I'd do cross-country skating if I could, but all I ever seem to find in Toronto are hockey rinks. Did I mention I'm not a big fan of hockey?

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There. That's a chunk of my rant out of the way. But since I'm a nice human being (oh come on, I am!), I'm not just going to leave you in your hell-hole. I mean, you deserve it a little bit, but I'm not someone who enjoys GREAT SUFFERING.

Here's what Dr. Kaiba recommends: (READ: I AM NOT AN ACCREDITED DOCTOR, BUT YOU'RE STILL ALLOWED TO READ WHAT I WRITE. THIS IS MERELY MY OPINION, WHICH CAN BE TAKEN AS ADVICE).

1. Drop the coffee. Seriously, no matter how much you think you need it, you don't. If you're used to drinking a lot of coffee, slow down or replace it with green tea.
2. Keep a normal sleep schedule, as much as possible. You don't need to pull all nighters. REPEAT AFTER ME: YOU DO NOT NEED TO PULL AN ALL NIGHTER.
3. This relates to #2: stop drinking so much. Alcohol is known to interfere with REM sleep. Yes, I know drinking water helps, but it's better to avoid the ethanol poison altogether.
4. If you enjoy smoking cannabis, go for it. It's definitely a good relaxant, and it probably helps you sleep better, too. However, if you're not confident in your ability to remember things, it's best to avoid it too. Especially if you're a newer smoker.
5. This relates to #4. Study sober, write the exam sober. If you really need to smoke that blunt with your hos & bros, try to wait until after you're done your study session. Otherwise (and only do this if absolutely necessary), study high, write your exam high. Why? The brain remembers things best when the environment/context in which it learned the information doesn't change too much. (I learned this when I audited a Psych 101 course at Dalhousie University.)
6. This one should go without saying: don't ignore human beings because you think they're going to make you fail your course. You're allowed to be alone as much as you want, but it's not nice to ignore your friends for the sake of "writing papers". 
7. If you feel stressed out, feel free to text me, give me a call, send me an e-mail, write me a letter, Skype me etc. I have time that maybe you don't have or just don't see! I promise to do my best to help you out.

Finally, here's an equation (or is it a statement? I skipped way too many math classes, haha) for you Type A's out there:

Love in almost all things.

Alright, this one's for those of you who hate odd numbers: 8. Keep your chin up!

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore