I have the beats going on
I write a line; I beat a line
Chillhop messed up pop true dialectic hip-hop
Code switching to different levels
Right now I'm thinking about the meta
The place where I keep things digital
This place I call home is only pixels
But I want it to be more liminal; scratch that, I want it to be joyful
Am I alone in this metaphysical?
Crack into the independent; leave the corporate muck behind is the goal
Ahhhh I'm so excited right now! Okay, bear with me: if you've never played Overwatch 2, it might be difficult for you to understand why I'm excited. But I'll break it down for you if you're curious, and I'm assuming you're not a gamer.
Okay. So Overwatch 2 is an online-only multiplayer First-Person Shooter (FPS). You play games of 5 players against 5 players (it used to be 6vs6...) on different "maps" that are fictional, but loosely based on futuristic versions of real-life locations like Toronto, Havana, and Chongqing, China.
Different maps have different objectives. For the Toronto map (New Queen Street), you're trying to push a giant robot in a sort of tug-of-war battle against the other team. In Chongqing (Lijiang Tower), you're fighting for control of a specific area in a king-of-the-hill style battle. In Havana, you're trying to push a payload into the enemy's base and they're trying to stop you (or vice-versa).
One of the best parts of Overwatch 2 is the cast of characters. During a standard game, you can play and switch to any character in the role that you queued for, and there are three roles: Tank, Damage, and Support. I tend to play either damage or support, because I don't like the added pressure that comes from being the only tank (it's always 1 tank, 2 damage, 2 support on any given team).
This is more advanced tactical discussion, but one way to look at the roles is that tanks create space for the team, damage maintains the space, and support, well, supports these 2 roles in doing that. Creating space means taking tactical and strategic positions on the map to make it easier to get eliminations, and eliminations are how you get rid of the enemy team before they inevitably respawn and try and stop you from completing objectives.
ANYWAY. With that gloss-over of the game over with, I just finished playing a Quick Play (the non-competitive mode that I prefer) game on King's Row (based on London, England) as Zenyatta, a support character that does high damage and good utility, but with very little mobility. As Zenyatta, you're really reliant on your team to not get ganked. So on King's Row, I was on the side trying to push the payload, and I had a really good team so we got through the first 2 checkpoints without anyone dying (which is pretty rare: dying happens a lot in this game). King's Row, however, is notoriously difficult on the last checkpoint because the defenders respawn pretty much right next to where you're trying to push the payload. If there's even 1 enemy player near the payload, it doesn't move; so it's difficult to eliminate the entire enemy team faster than they can eliminate you on checkpoint 3.
Overwatch 2 is a game of teamfights. These are battles that happen naturally as the game progresses, and it's not uncommon for a team to get a "team kill", which is when everyone is dead at the same time before anyone has a chance to respawn.
My team fought a hard teamfight and used their "ultimates" (a powerful but rare ability unique to each hero), trying to push the payload the last few few metres, but everyone on my team finally died - except me. Usually, you want to get eliminated with your team when this happens so that you respawn as a team. But in this case, I saw the opportunity to hide behind enemy lines. The enemy had a burst of confidence from having eliminated my team, so they pushed forward, leaving the payload (and me!) behind. One thing you should know about Zenyatta is that because he floats, he actually doesn't make footstep sounds, which is one of the best tells that an enemy is nearby.
So the enemy team forgot about me, and can't hear me. I sneak up behind the payload and get it moving, while my team distracts the enemy team by trying to push forward through the front line... the payload slowly moves toward the goal line. I eventually see the enemy's tank realize I'm about to cap the point, and they rush back but it's too late: I cap the point and win the game for my team. My team is ecstatic and thank me profusely in the in-game chat, and I cannot believe that I managed to pull it off. It was a hell of a rush because these kinds of wins are really, really rare. Someone on the enemy team usually notices and then the entire team can easily pick you off the payload.
I tried to make a video clip of all this from the replay file, but it seems I can't through GeForce Now, so the best I can do is a screenshot of the setup.
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| Red circle is the payload and the direction I need to push it in, green are the outlines of my teammates, and I'm in the blue circle. Notice the enemy team focusing their attention toward the green. |
In my previous post, I described some of my feelings toward depressive tendencies, and some of the things that indicate to me that I might not be so depressed. Of course, this is all personal & anecdotal, not rigorous scientific inquiry, so take things with a grain of salt, eh?
I want to explore similar matters and the topic that comes to mind now is luck.
I can't help but wonder if I suffer from a light depression, especially at this time of year when the sun is weak. I mean, the sun is strong in general, but you know what I mean. The rays of sun are just not strong enough to boost my vitamin D levels to normal levels.
I do take a vitamin D supplement. It probably helps. And I'm not going to go into details about depression, lest I offend someone who actually suffers from clinical depression. I can't help but say that depressed people are probably less likely to be offended than non-depressed people, given the lethargy and lack of caring about anything.
I'm not sure if I can say: "I've been there". I've read enough stories about people who suffer from depression who can't even get out of bed. I'm grateful that I don't think I've ever had to deal with that. There's always a candle burning in me, somewhere, some energy that keeps me going despite all the loneliness.
Well, that took a darker turn than I wanted. I might as well just write this post off as one of my freewrite rambles at this point. I'll do that. I'll tag it freewrite right now, so I don't have to worry about trying to make this blog post look more presentable.
Anyway, the reason that I think I might have "depression lite" is because I don't find myself laughing much. I'm creative, sure, creative in writing because I feel I have to write at this point. I think if I were to spend a few days in a row without writing anything there's a good chance my quality of life would decrease substantially. Writing helps keep me grounded. Back on topic: depression lite, also, because I don't feel like going out and spending money at places in the city. Ugh, I wrote something that's not true. I do actually want to try different things in the city. I want to, for example, go to the Science Centre. I haven't been there since I was in high school. It's like 20 bucks for a day pass. It's probably a really fun experience. And I don't think I would not enjoy it. However, if I were really depressed, I don't think I would want to go at all, and if I was forced to go, I probably wouldn't enjoy it either.
But I know currently I would probably enjoy my time at the Science Centre. So I should go. And it might help get rid of these blues that I'm feeling by opening me up to different sensorial experiences.
Okay, can I still call it suffering from depression lite? If it was full-blown depression, I wouldn't be able to function. I think that's part of the definition of depression in the DSM (fuck that book btw). But I do function. I've kept a job for over a year now, and although it doesn't pay much I pride myself on doing my work well. And I do smart things, like improving my sleep routine and improving my diet and willingly doing exercise (especially in the mornings; I just came back from pickleball and I did have fun) and calling friends.
So I'm doing all the right things to avoid the "darkness" - the bad dark, the dark that makes you do stupid shit because of ego or because you want to fit into society or, on the other hand, want to reject it. The darkness that makes you say to yourself: "fuck it, I'm gonna die anyway, why should I take care of myself?". The darkness that makes you think that it's hopeless to try and improve your circumstances because the rich have all the power anyway and society is fucked because of greed, corruption, and environmental degradation.
No. No darkness like that. Just pure, unadulterated sunlight, and a willingness to smile even if I don't feel like it and even if I think I look foolish doing it, there's a glimmer there. God, I'm just going to go listen to Last Hope by Paramore now and let the music speak for all these words I've crammed in here, after being triggered (in a good way) by the word glimmer.
It's just a spark, but it's enough... to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around... it keeps glowing
