The Split Cosmos

"And I've always lived like this; keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness... because none of it was ever worth the risk."

I hide my little reality, but is it a reality at all? Sitting in my worn black chair every day, I hide from the true experience that the world around me has to offer. Instead, I sit there and lose myself in the box in front of me. Forgetting, burying everything I know about the harshness of the present, I search for escapes.

Why do I hide so much? What am I so afraid of? I know I'm afraid of failure, but I'm also afraid of being perceived as different.

Why are we so split apart, me and you? Why are we all so separated from each other? We all know we exist, and sometimes we interact, but we don't really live and thrive, do we?

That's what I want - I want to live, not just exist. But I suffocate on the inside when I get overwhelmed with tales of horrors happening in developing countries, and poverty in Canada, and all the people who get sick and end up in hospitals with terrible food... among other things.

I worry a lot... I worry about wasting time, but a lot of the time I find myself wasting time doing nothing at all because I feel like I wouldn't be productive anyway.

Blah blah blah... I just had to rant a little. I just wish happiness was easier to come by and you didn't have to work hard for it.

Or maybe you don't need to work that hard for it, you just need to let the happiness in instead of being so bitter all the time.

I think I lack sunshine, for one, but I also need to keep myself busy, so I'm not always thinking about these things.

I had this idea of a little hobby to do the other day... go to different spots in the city and write letters to people. I like writing, and I don't think it's too difficult to write personal letters. It'll help me improve my writing, I guess, because I want nice letters, not ugly grey ones.

Well, I think I wasted my post title this time. I wanted a big post talking about loneliness and the way our society is set up so that we're all split apart and only to come together in times of dire need... but I guess that'll be for another time.

I am not content at all with my loneliness.

Another late night

Ah, how easy it is to stay up late when you have an endless supply of electricity and a computer that's ready to guzzle it all up.

Seriously, I need to be going to bed earlier. It's not healthy... at all. I don't generally lack sleep because I can sleep in a lot, but I'm not physiologically adapted to staying up late during the night. Maybe generations from now, we'll be able to see in the dark and sleep during the day or during the night, whichever you choose.

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Someday, I'm going to write more of my theorycrafting down. I mean, I dream of a different society, a tribal society. I've been thinking about it a lot lately - why are things the way they are right now? Why does money exist? Why are there buildings made of concrete everywhere? Why are roads and cars and vehicles everywhere? Why do I buy food at a grocery store instead of at a farm? Why are some people richer than others?

I mean, all those questions have answers at face value... but behind them lies an even greater question: Why do we live the way we do? You can examine history, and you can arrive at a historical answer, but that only explains how things happened, not necessarily why they had to happen.

I have lots of theories. I don't spend enough time developing them in my head because I consume myself with computers and books and trivial things like The Big Bang Theory on television. But I think I could really grow as a person if I took the time to think critically about some of my ideas. For example: I've had this idea in my head about other planets and alternate universes. I highly doubt that Earth is the only place in the entire universe inhabited by intelligent beings. It just seems so... pointless if we really are alone.

What if the earth is merely but a cell within a greater macro-organism? Wouldn't that be cool? Well, we'd kinda be a sick cell, but we'd be alive nonetheless. Maybe there are other cells around us that we cannot see that are always like "Hey! Humans on earth! Wake up! You're killing your cell and giving us cancer over here with your pollution and destruction!".

Maybe I need to find some people who can help me develop my crazy ideas. Wouldn't that be fun? Arriving at a consensus about our place in the universe with other people? But the more I think, the more I am filled with doubt about my ideas. But at least I get more ideas.

Here's another idea: Technology is dividing us, not uniting us. Well, for some people. I guess I don't really use my cellphone much. And Facebook doesn't really help me feel better about myself.

Oh, I don't know anymore. Sometimes I think I just ramble late at night because I have nothing better to do. At least school is keeping me somewhat busy.

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