Tranquility

The worst has gone by/
But I may be in the eye of the storm
The winds blow in the distance and I feel alive/
Better not walk into them again

I find I yearn for tranquility. Tranquility, and some semblance of simplicity.
That doesn't mean that I need to avoid busyness and action; that would be a mistake. In fact, I should probably strive for more busyness and more participation in the world around me. Not because society says I need to be busy, but because it's rewarding to get things done.

Still, it would be nice to be around simple people. Maybe some monks or something. I would probably get bored, since I'm so used to having some external stimulation, but there's definitely something to learn and appreciate in simply being.

I've been told I should try my hand at meditation. I would gain so much from having a regular practice. And it would enhance my quality of life, and probably make me more mindful and more aware of the present. And even if it's only for a few minutes per day, I should still try. But my brain says "No no no! At least look busy! You have things to do! You need to move! You need to read! You need to fix this and that!".

Words words words.
I'll see what I can do about this whole meditation dealio. Exercise is a bit easier for me to do, so I'm walking a lot. Just simple walks, walks for the sake of walking. Mostly silent, and usually at a brisk pace; to get the heart going, you know.

School is a bit of a mess right now. I hope I can fix it. I have two new classes starting in January, and I'm gearing up to take them more seriously.

Bloggity bloggy happy holidays.

December weather

It was a warm and rainy day today. I don't know how I feel about it being 10 degrees celsius in December. On one hand, it's nice to not have to deal with the biting cold and chapped lips and all the little inconveniences of real winter weather, but on the other hand, I feel sad knowing that this abnormal weather is a very real manifestation of climate change.

I'm kind of far away and isolated from all the hardcore devastation caused by human exploitation of the Earth (e.g. dead whales and melting ice). So while I might be aware that climate change and pollution caused by humans is wrecking the Earth, I'm not reminded of it on a daily basis. Indeed, all I see is the same old houses and buildings, and sometimes parks with some litter strewn here and there, but the artificial city I live in keeps my mind in a bubble of fake comfort.

Comfort definitely isn't here, though. A city, at least to me, doesn't provide comfort. It provides convenience and maybe a form of protection from the primal elements, but in the long run, it is tiring to have to see the same ugly not-quite-perfect shapes of man-made structures everywhere.

For a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic sometimes.

It's alright, I'll find my optimism again, somewhere in time.

Keeping up is tough

If you don't keep up with your schoolwork, it builds up. Fast.
I hate to admit it, but having a good work routine is pretty damn important.
Having structure in your life is important. The brain likes structure because then it doesn't have to over think every little thing.
I don't like structure. I try to rebel against it. Somehow, I convince myself that having structure will rob me of my freedom - the freedom to be spontaneous, to be serendipitous, to be genuine.
But maybe - just maybe - having more structure will allow me to accomplish things that will bring more joy into my life.

Here we go again. Setting a time limit of how much time I spend on the computer, regardless of whether I'm working or not, is critical. And there's nothing wrong with avoiding computer and electronics altogether on some days. A few months ago, one my profs even gave the class homework to avoid the computer and cellphone for a whole 24 hours, more if possible. Not too many people were able - or willing - to do it.

I've spent too much time writing this out already. School isn't going as well as I had hoped. I will work harder to not let myself get overwhelmed again.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Bright and early

Yes, why not write? 8:30 am, on my schedule, is very, very early for me to be up, and I only have 15 minutes or so to write before I have to leave for my Friday 10 am class, but that's cool. Usually, I wait for the last minute to be up and gone for my class, especially when biking because then I don't have the mishaps of the transit system slowing me down.

I have yet to be late to any class with my last-minute strategy, so it's not a problem. It's a time-saving way of getting around, right?

I thought I had more to write. Well, I do, I just don't find it particularly interesting.

I guess I should mention I'm at school full time now, unlike last year. I'm doing fairly well in most of my courses so far, but there haven't been that many evaluations. I kind of know now which classes will be easy to get a good mark in, and which ones I'll actually have to buckle down and read a ton to get a good mark. Either way, I probably (read: definitely) procrastinate way too much and generally avoid dealing with schoolwork until I absolutely have to.

Oh, yes, you might be interested in what I'm studying. 

Well, first, there's History of modern Europe 1650-1950, which is okay. I'm usually good with history, but I really, really should spend more time studying for this year-long course.

Then there's Sociology (social problems and inequalities), which I find fairly boring, but I'm doing well so far so I guess it kinda makes me like the course a little more.

And then there's Anthropology 101, which generally has more interesting subject matter than Sociology, but it's a lot more scienc-y than my other courses. I should reread lecture questions once in a while.

Let's not forget about Intro to Environment, which is probably the course most unlike all my other courses. The prof is really cool and invites a ton of guest speakers (native elders, scientists among others) to the lectures, and he also randomly does bird calls in class. And the content is actually interesting!

Finally, for this semester, there's this course called Geography: Environment, Food, and People, which I picked because I thought it sounded interesting. This is my 10 am class that I have very, very soon and I should leave. Anyway, suffice to say that there's a LOT of content in this course, and it's a lot of work,  most of it is really boring but at least it forces me to get up at least before noon.

Okay, I gotta run, I'll start to update my blog frequently again, so if you're reading this, you could check back sometime!

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Oh time

Time time, why must you confuse me so?
It seems like only yesterday that I had my long flowing hippie hair with not a care in the world for what was to come later with growing older.
Of course, I never really truly was a hippie. Yeah, I had earth sandals, and yeah, I sometimes wore funky thai fisherman pants, but those were just clothes. And yeah, I guess I kinda liked the whole peace & love movement. Why do we need to be so bitter anyway?

I'm going through some dark times. Well, I have been for a while. I guess that's because I'm not really doing much. I give up hobbies too easily. I need to train my brain to enjoy things and to not mind doing things repetitively. Practice, practice, practice. And then I could be proud of something, like drumming.

I had a chat with a dear old friend of mine today. He told me how he remembers how social I used to be, how easily I would talk to others. I remember it too, somewhat. It seems like for some time now, I have chosen to hide away from others. This is not good! And it worries me. The only thing to do is to become more social again, clearly. Strengthen friendships and all. Otherwise, I'm just going to turn into an anti-social sludge.

I'm doing yoga regularly again (I've been to my studio for the past four days!), but I don't really talk to anyone there. I'm slightly in the wrong demographic, and I'm too shy to really talk to anyone. To be fair, a lot of people go to the studio to just do their own thing, take a break from their day or from work and from being around people and many just want some alone time to do stretches with their body and mind.
I, on the other hand, go to the studio to have a bit of a change from my usual hermit lifestyle. And to get some exercise, to help me sleep. I don't particularly love doing yoga, but I don't hate it or anything. I know it's incredibly beneficial for the mind and body, so I simply just do it.

University is starting soon. Yikes. I hope I can get my sleep schedule back under control. I also hope that I can deal with the anxiety. And finally, I hope I can finally do something productive with my time. Time management has never, ever been my strong point. I'll have to learn.

Signing off,
Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Drive my soul

Listening to music isn't normally an activity that makes me feel instantly better. Yeah, listening to music is nice, but I don't think of it as something that keeps the blues away. There's a few rare exceptions, like right now, but usually I just kind of put the tunes on the computer and they fade to the background as all my attention goes to what's on the screen.

I also don't tend to listen to albums in their right order, if I listen to them at all, as I'm more prone to hitting the shuffle button. But sometimes listening to an album in the right order just makes so much more sense, especially with concept albums.

So I once again find myself listening to The Listening by Lights. I really, really like it. The lyrics and the melodies are just so well blended together and they actually do have an impact on how I feel.

Most of the metal or rock stuff I listen to fails to make me feel connected. It all sounds pretty great (otherwise I wouldn't listen to it), but I don't particularly feel attached to what's being played. With Lights, it's different. I feel like she actually sings about stuff I can relate to sometimes. And often times, the lyrics are positive, or have positive undertones to them.

For example: It's only one part of the story//Just let it go//Don't let it bring you down now

So why am I paying so much attention to this album tonight?

Well, I want to feel better.

I want to have an amazing first full year at university. I don't want to spend all this money for book-smarts. I want something more - I want a purpose, I want a real connection to society. And I want to have fun.

Because, see, for the past few months, I haven't been having that much fun. This summer thus far has been quite awful. I gotta get over the fact that I'm not really a teenager anymore, and yeah, it's not really a surprise that being an adult is pretty hard.

But even from a teenage perspective, this summer has still been awful. I've been hiding away from friends and avoiding people as much as possible. I don't want to go too much into the details, as this is a public blog after all, but I just feel anxious about being around people. And save for a few rare occasions, I just find that I don't enjoy the time spent socializing. So my logic is not to spend time around people... hah, smart idea, right?

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I keep hoping something will happen that will make the shroud go away. I know there's something beautiful beyond the shroud, as I still have memories of times not too long ago where the clear picture was a happy one. But despite occasional gusts of wind, the shroud remains.

The shroud is probably my fault. I put it up there because, subconsciously or consciously, I didn't want to have to deal with the picture when it wasn't beautiful. And it's been there ever since. If I could only remember how I got around to shrouding myself, maybe I could find a way out.

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I've also been feeling really quite self-conscious lately, about my weight and general demeanor, so I'm going to do yoga regularly again. I was doing four days a week for a while, but I gave up because of laziness. And once again, I went into a junk food cycle... so that's going away too, and that alone will probably up my mood. Maybe not in the short-term, though...

Hope your summer has been better than mine, reader.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore