Drive my soul

Listening to music isn't normally an activity that makes me feel instantly better. Yeah, listening to music is nice, but I don't think of it as something that keeps the blues away. There's a few rare exceptions, like right now, but usually I just kind of put the tunes on the computer and they fade to the background as all my attention goes to what's on the screen.

I also don't tend to listen to albums in their right order, if I listen to them at all, as I'm more prone to hitting the shuffle button. But sometimes listening to an album in the right order just makes so much more sense, especially with concept albums.

So I once again find myself listening to The Listening by Lights. I really, really like it. The lyrics and the melodies are just so well blended together and they actually do have an impact on how I feel.

Most of the metal or rock stuff I listen to fails to make me feel connected. It all sounds pretty great (otherwise I wouldn't listen to it), but I don't particularly feel attached to what's being played. With Lights, it's different. I feel like she actually sings about stuff I can relate to sometimes. And often times, the lyrics are positive, or have positive undertones to them.

For example: It's only one part of the story//Just let it go//Don't let it bring you down now

So why am I paying so much attention to this album tonight?

Well, I want to feel better.

I want to have an amazing first full year at university. I don't want to spend all this money for book-smarts. I want something more - I want a purpose, I want a real connection to society. And I want to have fun.

Because, see, for the past few months, I haven't been having that much fun. This summer thus far has been quite awful. I gotta get over the fact that I'm not really a teenager anymore, and yeah, it's not really a surprise that being an adult is pretty hard.

But even from a teenage perspective, this summer has still been awful. I've been hiding away from friends and avoiding people as much as possible. I don't want to go too much into the details, as this is a public blog after all, but I just feel anxious about being around people. And save for a few rare occasions, I just find that I don't enjoy the time spent socializing. So my logic is not to spend time around people... hah, smart idea, right?

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I keep hoping something will happen that will make the shroud go away. I know there's something beautiful beyond the shroud, as I still have memories of times not too long ago where the clear picture was a happy one. But despite occasional gusts of wind, the shroud remains.

The shroud is probably my fault. I put it up there because, subconsciously or consciously, I didn't want to have to deal with the picture when it wasn't beautiful. And it's been there ever since. If I could only remember how I got around to shrouding myself, maybe I could find a way out.

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I've also been feeling really quite self-conscious lately, about my weight and general demeanor, so I'm going to do yoga regularly again. I was doing four days a week for a while, but I gave up because of laziness. And once again, I went into a junk food cycle... so that's going away too, and that alone will probably up my mood. Maybe not in the short-term, though...

Hope your summer has been better than mine, reader.

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