Oh time

Time time, why must you confuse me so?
It seems like only yesterday that I had my long flowing hippie hair with not a care in the world for what was to come later with growing older.
Of course, I never really truly was a hippie. Yeah, I had earth sandals, and yeah, I sometimes wore funky thai fisherman pants, but those were just clothes. And yeah, I guess I kinda liked the whole peace & love movement. Why do we need to be so bitter anyway?

I'm going through some dark times. Well, I have been for a while. I guess that's because I'm not really doing much. I give up hobbies too easily. I need to train my brain to enjoy things and to not mind doing things repetitively. Practice, practice, practice. And then I could be proud of something, like drumming.

I had a chat with a dear old friend of mine today. He told me how he remembers how social I used to be, how easily I would talk to others. I remember it too, somewhat. It seems like for some time now, I have chosen to hide away from others. This is not good! And it worries me. The only thing to do is to become more social again, clearly. Strengthen friendships and all. Otherwise, I'm just going to turn into an anti-social sludge.

I'm doing yoga regularly again (I've been to my studio for the past four days!), but I don't really talk to anyone there. I'm slightly in the wrong demographic, and I'm too shy to really talk to anyone. To be fair, a lot of people go to the studio to just do their own thing, take a break from their day or from work and from being around people and many just want some alone time to do stretches with their body and mind.
I, on the other hand, go to the studio to have a bit of a change from my usual hermit lifestyle. And to get some exercise, to help me sleep. I don't particularly love doing yoga, but I don't hate it or anything. I know it's incredibly beneficial for the mind and body, so I simply just do it.

University is starting soon. Yikes. I hope I can get my sleep schedule back under control. I also hope that I can deal with the anxiety. And finally, I hope I can finally do something productive with my time. Time management has never, ever been my strong point. I'll have to learn.

Signing off,
Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore

Drive my soul

Listening to music isn't normally an activity that makes me feel instantly better. Yeah, listening to music is nice, but I don't think of it as something that keeps the blues away. There's a few rare exceptions, like right now, but usually I just kind of put the tunes on the computer and they fade to the background as all my attention goes to what's on the screen.

I also don't tend to listen to albums in their right order, if I listen to them at all, as I'm more prone to hitting the shuffle button. But sometimes listening to an album in the right order just makes so much more sense, especially with concept albums.

So I once again find myself listening to The Listening by Lights. I really, really like it. The lyrics and the melodies are just so well blended together and they actually do have an impact on how I feel.

Most of the metal or rock stuff I listen to fails to make me feel connected. It all sounds pretty great (otherwise I wouldn't listen to it), but I don't particularly feel attached to what's being played. With Lights, it's different. I feel like she actually sings about stuff I can relate to sometimes. And often times, the lyrics are positive, or have positive undertones to them.

For example: It's only one part of the story//Just let it go//Don't let it bring you down now

So why am I paying so much attention to this album tonight?

Well, I want to feel better.

I want to have an amazing first full year at university. I don't want to spend all this money for book-smarts. I want something more - I want a purpose, I want a real connection to society. And I want to have fun.

Because, see, for the past few months, I haven't been having that much fun. This summer thus far has been quite awful. I gotta get over the fact that I'm not really a teenager anymore, and yeah, it's not really a surprise that being an adult is pretty hard.

But even from a teenage perspective, this summer has still been awful. I've been hiding away from friends and avoiding people as much as possible. I don't want to go too much into the details, as this is a public blog after all, but I just feel anxious about being around people. And save for a few rare occasions, I just find that I don't enjoy the time spent socializing. So my logic is not to spend time around people... hah, smart idea, right?

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I keep hoping something will happen that will make the shroud go away. I know there's something beautiful beyond the shroud, as I still have memories of times not too long ago where the clear picture was a happy one. But despite occasional gusts of wind, the shroud remains.

The shroud is probably my fault. I put it up there because, subconsciously or consciously, I didn't want to have to deal with the picture when it wasn't beautiful. And it's been there ever since. If I could only remember how I got around to shrouding myself, maybe I could find a way out.

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I've also been feeling really quite self-conscious lately, about my weight and general demeanor, so I'm going to do yoga regularly again. I was doing four days a week for a while, but I gave up because of laziness. And once again, I went into a junk food cycle... so that's going away too, and that alone will probably up my mood. Maybe not in the short-term, though...

Hope your summer has been better than mine, reader.

Karma Aspiration Langune Entité Iodinement Dérive Oisellerie Ulysse Guimauve Hurlement Salutaire Citronelle Ophilia Perspicace Ettore