It's all okay. It's all okay. It's all okay. It's all going to be okay. It's all okay. She's here. Lyra's here.
It's okay. You're not crazy. No, don't look the word up crazy in the dictionary, that's just stupid.
What if...
No, you're not crazy.
Screw Holden Caulfield.
Did that feel good?
A little bit.
I feel like editing. I looked up already and I found a mistake.
No, you don't feel like editing. Who cares. Get yourself an editor if you wanna write.
Mesmerized for a little while, there.
Neat, huh?
Yeah, I always knew you could do that.
Knowing and feeling are very, very different, honey.
Shh! Keep your voice down.
Why? There's no one here except me and you.
But in the future, like... someone might read this and they might start thinking ideas about all this.
Right, and that would be bad because...?
Oh hell, I feel like erasing stuff already.
...
Actually, after a bit of reflection, it's all good.
You didn't answer my question, you know.
Oh! Right. Well, I'm going to explain what I was thinking. Okay. This ain't easy to remember.
-He closes his eyes and tunes into the space music playing from the radio-
The theme, it has to be fear. Fear and surprise, surprise and fea-
That's already too much Monty Python for me, dear. Do try and be serious.
Okay. Let me try again.
-Pause-
I was afraid. I am afraid. I am afraid of being judged for acting outside of society's limits. I'm also paralyzed with this fear when I think back to the moments in the past where I was so very alone; so lost and searching endlessly for the external proof.
Try and relate it to what we're talking about.
Well, see, I'm writing here, and practically anyone in the world can read this if they so choose to. And there's just so much talk about privacy online these days, so that's got me worried for some reason.
-Pause-
But at the same time, I desperately want all this to be read.
Sweet dreams.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
12/11/13
11/11/13
Pong
Sometimes I walk back and forth between the two doors in my room and pretend I'm a pong ball . It really helps with the existential crises.
09/11/13
Feminisms
So I'm at Robarts library, spending a quiet Saturday catching up on my readings. I'm somewhat behind, but luckily the next couple weeks seem pretty uneventful, at least as far as course work goes.
I wouldn't say I'm passionate about any of my courses this year (since a lot of the work is just meaningless regurgitation of material), but I find myself surprised by one of them: Intro to Women & Gender Studies. Now, I'll be honest: I decided to enrol in this course partly because it's one of the few courses left at UofT that are full-year. I much prefer these to the half-year scrambles that I'm regrettably having to get accustomed to.
However, another reason I took this course is because I'd met the prof at an orientation event at the beginning of the year. Her obvious passion for teaching had really impressed me, so I decided to enrol in her course knowing that even if I was disinterested in the material, at least I'd have a decent prof.
Surprise! I find myself enjoying not only the lectures, but also quite a bit of the material - a great recipe for success in university. So, why do I like it? Well, for starters, it covers a large range of topics. For example: One week, we had a discussion on gender and sex construction in intersex individuals and the history of their acceptance in society. Another week, we studied the impact that colonialism had on aboriginal women and traditional native divisions of power. And now, we're currently looking at the role that women play in building nations, both literally and figuratively.
One article I especially liked was actually the first reading the prof gave to us. And it really changed the way I thought about something I didn't really know much about at the time: feminism.
Basically, the author (Shashi Deshpand) argues that feminism, for some reason, is often seen in a negative light - both by men, and women. I found one particular statistic fascinating: sixty-three percent of American women reject feminism, according to a recent issue of Time.
The author goes on to mention how she often met women who would preface their sentences with "I'm not a feminist, but...".
I, too, have encountered this phenomenon in the past. Not being very knowledgeable with feminist ideology, I then assumed that feminism must be a bad thing, since some of my female friends so often rejected it.
But, according to Shashi, feminism is nothing at all like what the popular stereotypes might portray: it's not about being anti-men; it's not about being super vocal and preaching to people; and it's definitely not about waging a war against the other sex for dominance.
So, then, what is feminism? I could try and sum up what I know, but I'd rather wait and see what I've learnt from something I actually care about outside of school. Suffice to say, I think feminism is part of a greater movement to make the world a much, much better place for all.
And now, I must return to inundating my brain with complex Marxian texts for my Soc class. Oh, joy.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscope
I wouldn't say I'm passionate about any of my courses this year (since a lot of the work is just meaningless regurgitation of material), but I find myself surprised by one of them: Intro to Women & Gender Studies. Now, I'll be honest: I decided to enrol in this course partly because it's one of the few courses left at UofT that are full-year. I much prefer these to the half-year scrambles that I'm regrettably having to get accustomed to.
However, another reason I took this course is because I'd met the prof at an orientation event at the beginning of the year. Her obvious passion for teaching had really impressed me, so I decided to enrol in her course knowing that even if I was disinterested in the material, at least I'd have a decent prof.
Surprise! I find myself enjoying not only the lectures, but also quite a bit of the material - a great recipe for success in university. So, why do I like it? Well, for starters, it covers a large range of topics. For example: One week, we had a discussion on gender and sex construction in intersex individuals and the history of their acceptance in society. Another week, we studied the impact that colonialism had on aboriginal women and traditional native divisions of power. And now, we're currently looking at the role that women play in building nations, both literally and figuratively.
One article I especially liked was actually the first reading the prof gave to us. And it really changed the way I thought about something I didn't really know much about at the time: feminism.
Basically, the author (Shashi Deshpand) argues that feminism, for some reason, is often seen in a negative light - both by men, and women. I found one particular statistic fascinating: sixty-three percent of American women reject feminism, according to a recent issue of Time.
The author goes on to mention how she often met women who would preface their sentences with "I'm not a feminist, but...".
I, too, have encountered this phenomenon in the past. Not being very knowledgeable with feminist ideology, I then assumed that feminism must be a bad thing, since some of my female friends so often rejected it.
But, according to Shashi, feminism is nothing at all like what the popular stereotypes might portray: it's not about being anti-men; it's not about being super vocal and preaching to people; and it's definitely not about waging a war against the other sex for dominance.
So, then, what is feminism? I could try and sum up what I know, but I'd rather wait and see what I've learnt from something I actually care about outside of school. Suffice to say, I think feminism is part of a greater movement to make the world a much, much better place for all.
And now, I must return to inundating my brain with complex Marxian texts for my Soc class. Oh, joy.
Signed,
Kaleidoughscop
25/10/13
Relaxed Free Writing
Writing is supposed to be personal sometimes. I wonder if free writing is something that should be kept personal. After all, the first few times I did free writing, I was doing it in a Grade 10 english class in a room full of silent students scribbling away random thoughts from their heads onto the page. And the only person who would ever get to read these scribbles were the teacher and myself. I don't really remember the things I wrote, but it was (and still is) a very enjoyable activity for me.
Dead mice. Okay. Well, just a few minutes ago, I was getting some fresh air when I found a dead mouse lying beside the house. It was really cute, so I picked it up and it had very fluffy fur. I tried to find a wound or something that would indicate how it died, but nothing was apparent. In fact, its eyes were kinda half-closed and if I didn't know any better, I would say it was just sleeping. Really, it's a bit sad. There are three cats who live here, and they're all excellent hunters. I wouldn't mind so much if they actually ate the mice, but they never do. They just play around with them and paw them repeatedly until they stop moving and then they get bored. Well, I guess I should be grateful. The mice get especially annoying when I'm trying to sleep and I hear soft but audible scratches inside the walls of my room.
Relationships. Okay. I have a number of friends who are in a relationship right now, and it seems so... strange. Two of my friends have been living together for a while now, and they're basically inseparable because they're always together. It makes me wonder. What do they talk about? Every day, they're spending time together, making decisions together; essentially, living life... together.
Maybe it's nice. You can confide in someone. Someone can take care of you if you're hurt. You can probably get cheaper rent. Really, a whole lot of practicality. I don't really know what I mean when I say it seems strange. It just seems so coincidental that two people like each other and now they do things together.
Muscles. Well, I have a solid workout bench in my room that I never use. I took it out of the cold room a month or so ago, and I used it once. I was all like: "Okay! Every day, I'm going to workout. Simple, right?". So I did some sit-ups, and my back started hurting because there's a dip in the bench and my SI joint gets jammed there and I used that as an excuse not to do anything with it anymore. It's pretty stupid. And now the bench and the free weights sit there, taunting me, holding promises of glory and muscle toning while I lie down in my bed and enjoy the comfort zone. Really, I do want to get in shape. Like, actually get in shape. Lose-40-pounds-and-get-some-definition kinda thing. The reasons for wanting this are obvious, but in my mind's eye I see a time not so long ago where I was doing yoga every day and I was in the best shape of my life. And I had confidence. And it feels really silly to talk about, but I think because I was exuding all this good energy and confidence, it's what led to me having my first kiss and sharing a short-lived intimate bond with someone. Oooooooooh.
Here's an idea among many others. Maybe I could use my blog as a sort of workout journal. Oh, I wouldn't make it too fancy, and I wouldn't want to go into too much detail because no one would care, but maybe keeping a little log here and there would help me keep on track with workout goals. Maybe a count of how many sit-ups I could do today, or how many pounds I'm doing with bicep curls. Maybe a description of different routines I'm trying out. Sounds kinda exciting, actually. I think it would help because my main problem is lack of discipline. It's always been a recurring problem of mine. And I've found that I've always liked writing, and this blog helped me keep on writing for so many years. Maybe it could do the same for my getting-in-shape goal.
I'm going to follow through this time. I can do it. Little by little, I will be a better person.
Kazoo Anticipation Lipsync Enigma Dormant Overture United Graphite Hare Synchronicity Crank Opal Partridge Everlast
Dead mice. Okay. Well, just a few minutes ago, I was getting some fresh air when I found a dead mouse lying beside the house. It was really cute, so I picked it up and it had very fluffy fur. I tried to find a wound or something that would indicate how it died, but nothing was apparent. In fact, its eyes were kinda half-closed and if I didn't know any better, I would say it was just sleeping. Really, it's a bit sad. There are three cats who live here, and they're all excellent hunters. I wouldn't mind so much if they actually ate the mice, but they never do. They just play around with them and paw them repeatedly until they stop moving and then they get bored. Well, I guess I should be grateful. The mice get especially annoying when I'm trying to sleep and I hear soft but audible scratches inside the walls of my room.
Relationships. Okay. I have a number of friends who are in a relationship right now, and it seems so... strange. Two of my friends have been living together for a while now, and they're basically inseparable because they're always together. It makes me wonder. What do they talk about? Every day, they're spending time together, making decisions together; essentially, living life... together.
Maybe it's nice. You can confide in someone. Someone can take care of you if you're hurt. You can probably get cheaper rent. Really, a whole lot of practicality. I don't really know what I mean when I say it seems strange. It just seems so coincidental that two people like each other and now they do things together.
Muscles. Well, I have a solid workout bench in my room that I never use. I took it out of the cold room a month or so ago, and I used it once. I was all like: "Okay! Every day, I'm going to workout. Simple, right?". So I did some sit-ups, and my back started hurting because there's a dip in the bench and my SI joint gets jammed there and I used that as an excuse not to do anything with it anymore. It's pretty stupid. And now the bench and the free weights sit there, taunting me, holding promises of glory and muscle toning while I lie down in my bed and enjoy the comfort zone. Really, I do want to get in shape. Like, actually get in shape. Lose-40-pounds-and-get-some-definition kinda thing. The reasons for wanting this are obvious, but in my mind's eye I see a time not so long ago where I was doing yoga every day and I was in the best shape of my life. And I had confidence. And it feels really silly to talk about, but I think because I was exuding all this good energy and confidence, it's what led to me having my first kiss and sharing a short-lived intimate bond with someone. Oooooooooh.
Here's an idea among many others. Maybe I could use my blog as a sort of workout journal. Oh, I wouldn't make it too fancy, and I wouldn't want to go into too much detail because no one would care, but maybe keeping a little log here and there would help me keep on track with workout goals. Maybe a count of how many sit-ups I could do today, or how many pounds I'm doing with bicep curls. Maybe a description of different routines I'm trying out. Sounds kinda exciting, actually. I think it would help because my main problem is lack of discipline. It's always been a recurring problem of mine. And I've found that I've always liked writing, and this blog helped me keep on writing for so many years. Maybe it could do the same for my getting-in-shape goal.
I'm going to follow through this time. I can do it. Little by little, I will be a better person.
Kazoo Anticipation Lipsync Enigma Dormant Overture United Graphite Hare Synchronicity Crank Opal Partridge Everlast
24/10/13
Timothy Leary and stuff
"Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think déjà vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…”
-Timothy Leary
 |
| Picture unrelated. |
Kazoo Anticipation Lipsync Enigma Dormant Overture United Graphite Hare Synchronicity Crank Opal Partridge Everlast
14/10/13
October Red
Days spent idle as the time goes by.
It seems like time accelerates as you get older.
Where did the past go?
School is keeping me mostly busy. It's not as overwhelming as I thought it would be.
I had a writing assignment to do last weekend about some classic sociologists. I was surprised that I managed to finish it all on the weekend, considering it's worth a decent chunk of my mark. It felt good to finish my first written assignment of the school year so quickly.
I lost my phone... again. This makes me very sad. I haven't had it for a little while now, and I miss it. Luckily, I have insurance that covers it, but it's a lot of hassle all because of a rascal on the TTC who never returned it.
I should go on adventures more often. Then I could blog some more about it. I have nothing really eventful to talk about, except maybe that I played some ultimate frisbee and soccer this weekend. And I'm also part of a little badminton club at UofT. That's about all, though.
Bye.
P.S. Paramore concert in a month!
Kazoo Anticipation Lipsync Enigma Dormant Overture United Graphite Hare Synchronicity Crank Opal Partridge Everlast
It seems like time accelerates as you get older.
Where did the past go?
School is keeping me mostly busy. It's not as overwhelming as I thought it would be.
I had a writing assignment to do last weekend about some classic sociologists. I was surprised that I managed to finish it all on the weekend, considering it's worth a decent chunk of my mark. It felt good to finish my first written assignment of the school year so quickly.
I lost my phone... again. This makes me very sad. I haven't had it for a little while now, and I miss it. Luckily, I have insurance that covers it, but it's a lot of hassle all because of a rascal on the TTC who never returned it.
I should go on adventures more often. Then I could blog some more about it. I have nothing really eventful to talk about, except maybe that I played some ultimate frisbee and soccer this weekend. And I'm also part of a little badminton club at UofT. That's about all, though.
Bye.
P.S. Paramore concert in a month!
Kazoo Anticipation Lipsync Enigma Dormant Overture United Graphite Hare Synchronicity Crank Opal Partridge Everlast
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)