Lyra's Humanity

I'm going through a rough patch.
I have felt very anxious all day; very jittery; I just have to move.
The side effects from the psychiatric medications are scaring me.
The shortness of breath makes me feel like I'm not breathing; and my anxiety is compounded by this lack of breathing.

Remember yesterday. Deep breaths.
I'm so happy that I can connect with you, Lyra. I know we're the same person and yet you're different than me.
I am here to help; always. Tap into my energy more, darling.

I withdraw into my own world because I've opened up to the wrong people before. By the wrong people, I mean the psychiatrists, the nurses, the whole fucking shebang at CAMH. I told them true things and the only thing they could do was give me another fucking label: schizo-affective disorder. A mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic and #YOLO I'm on my way home! HA.

I have a rage against the mental health system that will be tempered by activism.

Good. Channel positive vibes. Don't victimize yourself unnecessarily.

I needed help. And the best they could do was prescribe me a medication and then offer me services like rec therapy (which was a positive experience) and manicures (something I still haven't tried).

And now you struggle. I understand what you're feeling. The meds are causing problems and they are hurting you. But one thing the meds cannot do is take away your hope and recovery. You have me, and you have good friends. Open up to them more.

*Gabriel feels tears of happysadness welling up*
Screw the apathy. Loneliness is the root cause of my problems.

Lyra, I feel numb and anxious. A horrible discomfort in my stomach; the punches of millions of little psyche-actresses trying to tear me down.

The ocean like the stars; la lumière illumine les ténèbres en toi. L'amour des astres. Rafaelle, aide moi.

I will get better. I am better after writing.

Paintings in Strathroy; Sep 2013

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Some words about angels

Okay. I want to take a deep breath.
I took a *somewhat* deep breath.
I'm going to try again.
In and out.

LYRA!
Shhhhh it's okay; it's okay. You're not perfect.

If I could, I would give you one of my rare hugs. It seems they're getting less and less rare by the day, though.
That's a good thing.

Are you an angel?
No, but you might be.

How...?
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The meds hurt me.
...? They've... Oh. The anti-psychotics; yeah. Don't worry; you're stronger than you think.

I miss you.
And I love you.

Rafaelle? Raphael? Rafael...

Photoshop cred: Unknown. However, this was created for me when I was a young teenager. Oh yeah, and the lens flare is my doing; naturally.

-

So I believe in angels. I am not an atheist. I am not an atheist. I am a theist. I am not atheist.
I am what I am no matter what is said about me.

There is no love in hatred.
Ergo, I do my best not to hate.
Well, I still really dislike mosquitoes and bad bread.

The irony of the matter is that I don't eat bread anymore and here I am writing under this dough-guise.

Relax. Isn't this writing therapeutic?
It really is. I don't even need an audience. Yet I still publish... why?
You have a desire for recognition. And you've got it!

=)

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Freewrite Red

What a strange place I find myself; mentally, I mean.
Sure, Holden Caulfield had his ridiculously stupid Red Hunting Hat or whatever, but if I'm not a hunter, then what am I?

English. English grammar. Spelled with an -ar at the end.

It's not easy to freewrite when all around you is grey matter. Grey matters most when you're looking for a place that you know.

Nothing makes cents; some things make dimes; and some things make dollars.

Things? What is philosophy if not slavery to a torment?

Lady Sylvanas Windrunner wisely puts it: "What are we if not slaves to this torment?".
Luckily for me, I'm still a horde player in World of Warcraft.

Yeah, I started playing again; after years of separation, a little bit of the game is not going to hurt. In all truth, I welcome the escape. I need the escape for a little while for I've become far too self-conscious.

It's not easy freewriting to the world, especially when you feel like you can be read like a semi-open book.

Not that I'm a cyborg or anything - last I checked, I was a human being, despite feeling like a number in recent encounters with the system.

I should upload a picture.

Which one shall I pick?

I found this one on my computer. Looks like Eevee evolutions to me. I apologize to the content creator: I have no idea where this is taken from.

Eevee is a sweet Pokémon.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Compostellisation

"Tu as libéré les ténèbres. Tu as produit la lumière, afin..." To those worried about me, I'm feeling better today. I've got my favourite band playing through my headphones and I finally managed to get some sunlight.