Freewrite Blue

It's lonely out in space. The winds change, the times reflect back on what you want.
Nonsensical senses stop the truth from being alive.
String of words, one of which isn't real. The sole word on the page that isn't real is forever inked in. Damn you for wanting to be special. No, don't damn you, I should be congratulating you for thinking outside the rectangle.

I am not happy at the loneliness in space and online. Plug in, plug out, keep up with reality and dump it all online.

Stress stress blocks my channels of communication. I told her I loved her and stress stress stress gets in the way. She told me she loved me too, so that's wonderful but stress stress is in the way.

So smart; so beautiful; so afraid of reality. Reality hurts you because you're sensitive. Sensitivity is akin to light and dark projections of the mind upon the wall.

I try and I try but I don't really understand it. I fall and I fall, I can't rearrange it. And I'm trapped inside 'till the morning comes.

I can keep writing forever. There is an endless amount of words that I can put together in near-infinite permutations but what's the use in it all? The use is only found later.

Wishes and dreams come true; but when they do, sometimes, you're not very prepared and you become scared because they start fading away. And as you're grasping to keep the shambles from disappearing again, you lose track of the present. You get lost in the future. You vanish into the past.

The possibilities are amazing. I could be with her and before I know it, I'm feeling happy again. Feeling happy and I can't stay happy forever. I sure as hell can't stay sad forever either, so that's a comfort.

Before the shocks and lasers that shoot from the auras of the bodies in the cold streets, I ask for protection. Sometimes, I cast a spell unconsciously and the protection is there without me realizing it.

FUCK. Harsh harsh harsh, is that my basal ganglia acting up again?
Honey. Soft soft soft, darling you're in my mind and I won't let go this time.

We're two in one. We're both real. He taped over my mouth and plastered everything with fake realities created by fake people with fake ideas about a fake world.

I have the key to the real world. I need to find the lock.

More time to be mindful. Less time to procrastinate.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Turn It Off

I don't have the energy to overanalyze another Paramore song, but I still want to share my thoughts and feelings as they unfurl whilst I listen to Turn It Off, from Brand New Eyes.

I feel like searching for my soul; my true self, and to "turn off" all the chatter that prevents me from me being genuine.

See, Hayley aka lead singer of Paramore, has been a sort of lifeline/inspiration to me for a few years now. And she gets it. She gets what it means to be genuine. Beyond the media veil, beyond the commercialization, her voice carries a strength that I admire.

Oh, woes. I'm finding it so hard -not- to get into the overanalysis again. It's just... as I listen to the music, I feel like explaining my reality. These Paramore songs capture my fleeting thoughts and make them beautiful, somehow.

The only lyric I'll leave in the post here today is:

I wanna know what it'd be like

To find perfection in my pride

To see nothing in the light

But turn it off in all my spite, in all my spite

TURN IT OFF. Well, not the song.

Signed,

Kaleidoughscope

Sensical theatrical

Jumping on opportunities is what I'm doing these days.
A couple blog posts ago, I narrated how I became involved with a student group at UofT called Design in Design. It has been a positive experience so far.

But the only reason I became a part of the group is because I seized the opportunity when it presented itself. I could have chosen to go home that one Friday evening instead of sticking around in room 204; but my decision to stay and see why all these strangers were congregating led me to discover a world I had never thought of being a part of before.

Now, I'm on the team that manages the Facebook page for the group. Granted, I haven't done anything yet because I'm not experienced enough in graphic design matters, but it's good to feel part of a team.

Pine needles in Cedarvale

Design in Design is but one example of the opportunities that present themselves every day to me.

I'm joining another group, totally unrelated to this graphic design thing, tomorrow. I don't want to say too much about it since I'm not sure what to expect, but it has to do with gender, sexuality, and identity: all interesting topics in and of themselves, but together, a whole greater than the parts.

I am that whole. And the hole that has been gnawing at me from the inside is finally retreating.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Grab a brush and...

Top of the mornin' to ye. (Apparently, people in Ireland don't actually say this and it's a Hollywood fabrication.)

I can usually tell that I'm going to have a good day when I wake up and I have a song playing in my head. And I don't mean a song being -stuck- in my head, that's not as positive as just having a pleasant song sort of flowing in and out of your ears. It's hard to explain, but maybe you get the point.

Damn, I lost the song now. I was so eager to actually play the song through my speakers that I went ahead and played the song I thought it was, and it turns out I was wrong. I know it was (unsurprisingly) a Paramore song, and I'm pretty confident it was on the Riot! album, but now I've got That's What You Get playing and it wasn't the song.

Oh well.

I'm feeling pretty sore all over this morning, especially my right wrist. Oh, but it's not what you think! See, I had a pretty solid 2 hours+ of badminton yesterday night at a community centre downtown. The competition wasn't great, but I did have a chance to play a number of games and to get my ass moving. I'm thinking of playing at least twice a week until I can find more places to play.

I used to play at the YMCAs, but since I'm no longer part of the family plan my parents pay for, it's not really cost effective.

Well, I have some work to get done before reading week is over, and some procrastination to do before I even get to it, so...

Toodles.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope