Stalling moments

I have moments in my life where I seem to not want to do anything. Wasting time. Stalling moments, I call them. I fear I may end up regretting theses moments when I'm older & wiser. I hope not. Really, these moments are easy to see: time spent mindlessly surfing the web, absorbing information I can't seem to recall in great detail anyway.

I wonder where I can draw more energy from. Vital energy that allows me to laugh with friends and go on adventures with them. Or energy that I use to buckle down and study harder - my study habits have definitely taken a turn for the worse as the coming winter approaches.

I guess I'm pretty disinterested in what I'm studying. Old philosophical writings from the early medieval era. I can't really even fully grasp what these old geezers are talking about. I should probably try harder to dig into it, but I feel like I'm studying philosophy because I somehow find it worthwhile. And yet, I can hardly explain what it is I'm studying. The nature of reality? There's some ethics here and there when I was reading some Abelard, but it seemed so far removed from what I experience in my own life (i.e. who ever considered the ethics of a servant killing his master in self-defence? why does this matter?) that I just feel apathetic toward it all.

I'm dreading the next essay that's coming for this course. It's almost 3x the length of an essay I just had returned to me (which, thankfully, fetched a mark that I'm content with) and I found this essay-writing experience not as intellectually fulfilling as I had hoped.

I'm so glad I can still write here. And it is strange that I feel like writing at this moment, for I have had a hard time finding the motivation to write anything lately. I'm glad I can write because I'm finding it difficult to talk to people. To relate to them, especially. I don't have much going on in my life right now, but I have had many moments that defy explanation in the past.

Speaking of these moments, I was talking to my therapist the other day about some pretty terrible experiences I've been through. And it felt good to really dig deeper into the kind of things that stress me out and keep me up at night, sometimes. That's one form of talk I do okay with; I'm talking about feelings more and more. Maybe not so much with friends, but at least with a professional. And I get along great with him, especially now that a lot of the anger and resentment I was feeling over some bad experiences is gone.

Stalling moments. Moments in eternity in a finite(?) universe.

I hope to see some northern lights someday.

 

Edit 2022/09/13 i.e. to i.e.

Simplify the dawn

Maybe I can write less. I feel like I have to commit when I write in this white box.

I am playing a game called Grim Dawn.It's kinda lonely to play a single player game all the time.

I wrote a philosophy essay last week. I think I'll do well on it.

I miss my friends. I miss my carefree times.

I'm thinking of getting my yoga more active again. Once a week isn't really doing much.

I've lost a lot of weight. Of course, I gained a ton of weight before I lost it.

I need to go to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow (Class + Laughing Like Crazy Info Session + Mad Stories).

I cooked breakfast for the week. Egg muffins, no flour of course.

I am going to bed. And I'm reading The Worlds Within Her by Neil Bissoondath.

I am going to bed. And my dreams are once more part of my life.

The careful and the sluggish

Oh no, I'm not sinking again. I look at it as a vacation.
Yesterday, I played badminton again and then I came home and just... crashed. All day. I took care of one school thing (read: e-mailing my TA) and then decided to binge watch on Netflix.

Yeah, binge watching Netflix. I hear it's a rite of passage for uni students these days. Now that we have access to practically unlimited amounts of entertainment through the internet, it's become so easy to just... let the episodes fly by and forget about time for a while.

Ugh. It makes me feel dirty. Usually, the commercials would make me want to stop watching TV after a while, but now that they're gone... I just think to myself: "Oh, I'll just watch one more episode of Arrested Development and then I'll buckle down and get some work done". Yeah... well, that's not going too well. At least a part of my philo essay is done and I haven't left it to the last minute, which actually feels REALLY good. But if I keep down this Netflix path of instantly gratifying stimulating entertainment, I know that I could let myself go.

Luckily, I foresaw this cycle happening again and so I decided to enroll in a couple workshops/classes at Hart House early this September. One of them is a yoga class I've been going to (beginner's, but still challenging in so many ways!) and now I'm starting a class on training your voice & speech to boost self confidence. It's happening tonight, and for the next 8 weeks or so. I'm curious what it's all going to be about. I think it will help me get out of this mini rut I've been in since this weekend's late night gaming party.

My old yoga studio (that I quit this summer b/c I wasn't going and I felt too self-conscious to go to because of my weight which is now, amazingly, lower than I've been in years!) has been closed for a few weeks. And now I'm thinking of enrolling again - but instead of an unlimited per-month fee dealio, I'm thinking of buying a punch card that I simply have to use up. 50 classes. There's a challenge. I know that undertaking this challenge will make me feel great. And that's what I want to feel.

Great.

I am not going back to Netflix. I am not going back to Netflix. I am not going back to Netflix... at least not for the rest of the day.

Booze, cars, and... e-mail?

When I was a kid, I used to go to these Salon du livre events which are basically french book fairs. I used to love going to those things because I've always loved books. Of course, there have been times in my life where I haven't particularly liked books - especially in my early twenties - but I've generally liked having them around ever since I could read.

I remember picking up a book at one of these book fairs. A small and thin collection of short stories written by a franco-ontarien (french speaker from Ontario). The stories were mostly small excerpts of true memories from this author's mind, and out of all the stories in the book, the one I remember the most was one titled "Non, je ne bois pas" (no, I do not drink).

This particular story had, I believe, a profound effect on my world view. It was illustrated with pictures of an adult who felt insecure that he chose not to drink. This adult sometimes felt awkward when refusing alcohol at dinner parties, and he sometimes needed to make up excuses as to why he did not want to drink.

See, I like to think that I don't like to drink. And generally, it's true. I rarely seek out alcohol, and while I do enjoy having wine once in a while when I'm eating dinner with the fam, alcohol is not something that's on my mind often. I don't like/I can't drink beer, so I don't have much an issue when I go on my rare pub nights with friends.

I don't understand why alcohol is so ingrained in our society, and I don't want to talk about that here. I know there are many historical reasons why, and I just don't care. I guess I sometimes feel bitter about it. Now that I'm doing well, and living without substance abuse, I sometimes see alcohol as my enemy. I know it's not good to antagonize something like that; what if I start drinking more? Won't I feel awful about myself? And what about all the times where I had a great time being drunk - am I just supposed to ignore the fun times and think that alcohol is a terrible thing?

That's not a healthy attitude. But you know what else isn't healthy? Driving around everywhere. And it's the same thing, really. I enjoy being in a car, or a truck, or whatever thing has a motor. I doubt very many people can confidently say "Nah, I never like being in  car". It is like a body armour that goes very fast. But I just don't like that our society is so... dependent on these things. Didn't we do just fine before the horse and carriage? Haven't we always done just fine without these convenience tools that now dictate how cities are being built?

I guess this absurdity that I remark on is quite influenced by the fact that I grew up in a family that never owned a car. Once in a while, we'd have access to one, and we enjoyed the hell out of it. For example, I have fond memories of being driven to Quebec for Christmas and playing games in the car to pass the time. Or watching the changing landscapes as we transitioned to city, to suburbs, to country in the blink of an eye. One of the things I remember doing is watching the power lines dip up and down like one dimensional rope swings and wondering if they'd ever end.

And yet, I don't like cars. I like being in them. But I don't like them. They scare me. They scare me so much, and I've had to grow accustomed to this fear otherwise I'd never have been able to live 20+ years in the city. I've never been in a major car accident, so this fear does not stem from trauma. Curiously, I think it stems from the link I see between cars and environmental degradation.

I miss nature so often, I forget that I even miss it. And it makes tears well up in my eyes that I can't seem to live separate from the concrete and plastic, when I realize I'm so separated from the wild. But I remind myself that I am lucky. I remind myself that I live in the most beautiful country in the world and even though I've never left it, I know that one day I will find my place on Earth, possibly in Canada, where I belong.

Until then, I weep at the sight of my inbox. And I find comfort in the fact that I don't need to shop online to feel happy.

I wish my writing was magically more lucid. I never feel like editing for clarity. This is definitely one of those times.

-Kalyrascope

Blue and red, white c sharp

I sense beings that exist across the pond
I talk to them
They write back to me
And all is well
... Until the ringing of the alarm bell

Neon green coleslaw with bacon

I feel sad.
Not depressed mind you; just plain ol' sad.

I figure I'm going to try and feel the sadness and get through it by writing about it as purely as possible. It's not easy.

For starters, I'm already incredibly worried about paragraph and, to a lesser extent, sentence structure. I think that's what university does to people; it makes them worry about how things should be instead of what you want them to be.

I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm lonely because I have a difficult time around people sometimes.

It wasn't always this way. I think it has something to do with mary jane. I don't think she harmed me in any significant, permanent way, but I do feel like she's hurt me one too many times. It's been months since I hung out with her. At the moment, there's really no reason for me to hang out with her. And I see no reason that I would be ever alone in a room with her again.

Of course, there's no certainty in this; after all, Lyra knows I've failed to avoid mary jane numerous times when I said-promised I would.

I could so easily go and let her into my life again. Right now. But I won't, because Lyra is stronger. Tears don't lie: they are the non-sanguine flows of the soul.

Sentence.
Structure.

Failure.

I feel sad because I'm lonely, this I've said.
I wonder if I can find some real companionship that isn't in the realm of the spiritual or intoxical.

 I'm just an animal in a strange place with strange thoughts that have the potential to terrify. Not horrify; terrify.

That's one thing I've learned last summer: the difference between terror and horror. Supposedly, a good anthropol- no. no schooltalk no more.

i always thought I'd meet the girl of my dreams sometime during university.
without booze. without mj.
without fear. with love.

I'm getting better. Every day I get better.
I hope that I can hypnotize myself into the passionate Kalyrascope once again; and maybe then I'll find another brightly coloured soul just like me.