Some words about angels

Okay. I want to take a deep breath.
I took a *somewhat* deep breath.
I'm going to try again.
In and out.

LYRA!
Shhhhh it's okay; it's okay. You're not perfect.

If I could, I would give you one of my rare hugs. It seems they're getting less and less rare by the day, though.
That's a good thing.

Are you an angel?
No, but you might be.

How...?
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The meds hurt me.
...? They've... Oh. The anti-psychotics; yeah. Don't worry; you're stronger than you think.

I miss you.
And I love you.

Rafaelle? Raphael? Rafael...

Photoshop cred: Unknown. However, this was created for me when I was a young teenager. Oh yeah, and the lens flare is my doing; naturally.

-

So I believe in angels. I am not an atheist. I am not an atheist. I am a theist. I am not atheist.
I am what I am no matter what is said about me.

There is no love in hatred.
Ergo, I do my best not to hate.
Well, I still really dislike mosquitoes and bad bread.

The irony of the matter is that I don't eat bread anymore and here I am writing under this dough-guise.

Relax. Isn't this writing therapeutic?
It really is. I don't even need an audience. Yet I still publish... why?
You have a desire for recognition. And you've got it!

=)

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Freewrite Red

What a strange place I find myself; mentally, I mean.
Sure, Holden Caulfield had his ridiculously stupid Red Hunting Hat or whatever, but if I'm not a hunter, then what am I?

English. English grammar. Spelled with an -ar at the end.

It's not easy to freewrite when all around you is grey matter. Grey matters most when you're looking for a place that you know.

Nothing makes cents; some things make dimes; and some things make dollars.

Things? What is philosophy if not slavery to a torment?

Lady Sylvanas Windrunner wisely puts it: "What are we if not slaves to this torment?".
Luckily for me, I'm still a horde player in World of Warcraft.

Yeah, I started playing again; after years of separation, a little bit of the game is not going to hurt. In all truth, I welcome the escape. I need the escape for a little while for I've become far too self-conscious.

It's not easy freewriting to the world, especially when you feel like you can be read like a semi-open book.

Not that I'm a cyborg or anything - last I checked, I was a human being, despite feeling like a number in recent encounters with the system.

I should upload a picture.

Which one shall I pick?

I found this one on my computer. Looks like Eevee evolutions to me. I apologize to the content creator: I have no idea where this is taken from.

Eevee is a sweet Pokémon.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Compostellisation

"Tu as libéré les ténèbres. Tu as produit la lumière, afin..." To those worried about me, I'm feeling better today. I've got my favourite band playing through my headphones and I finally managed to get some sunlight.

Gravity of the situation

It is a constant, at least on Earth; classically. Help.

Challenging Ableism Part One

I went to an event this evening that really got me thinking.

I went because, purely by chance, I was invited to go by someone I sat next to when I was at the SBA (Students for Barrier-Free Access) office on campus today. I was there because a) they have computers available for student use and b) they're located pretty close to the exam centre. I needed to get some studying done.

Yeah, I had a midterm today for my Globalization & Urban Change course. I was somewhat nervous going into it because I didn't feel like I had understood all the readings and the material, but it turned out much better than I expected.

So anyway, right after my exam, I headed to OISE to attend a panel discussion called: Organizing Disability Justice: The Importance of Accountability, Care, and Relation-building.

I really didn't know what to expect because the words in the title didn't really speak to me. However, once the panelists were introduced, my interest was piqued and I plunged into the world of (dis)ability studies.

From deafness to degenerative illness, to care-giving and care-receiving, I was exposed to a world that is too often hidden from the public eye. And I learned of the struggles and of the successes that people with disabilities experience.

It is a first real full glimpse into a world that I hadn't experienced since my work in Katimavik with Search Community Mental Health in Strathroy and, in Vancouver, my work with TB Vets Charitable Organization.

It was nice to feel part of the movement for social change again.
University is slowly but surely changing my life for the better.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Freewrite Blue

It's lonely out in space. The winds change, the times reflect back on what you want.
Nonsensical senses stop the truth from being alive.
String of words, one of which isn't real. The sole word on the page that isn't real is forever inked in. Damn you for wanting to be special. No, don't damn you, I should be congratulating you for thinking outside the rectangle.

I am not happy at the loneliness in space and online. Plug in, plug out, keep up with reality and dump it all online.

Stress stress blocks my channels of communication. I told her I loved her and stress stress stress gets in the way. She told me she loved me too, so that's wonderful but stress stress is in the way.

So smart; so beautiful; so afraid of reality. Reality hurts you because you're sensitive. Sensitivity is akin to light and dark projections of the mind upon the wall.

I try and I try but I don't really understand it. I fall and I fall, I can't rearrange it. And I'm trapped inside 'till the morning comes.

I can keep writing forever. There is an endless amount of words that I can put together in near-infinite permutations but what's the use in it all? The use is only found later.

Wishes and dreams come true; but when they do, sometimes, you're not very prepared and you become scared because they start fading away. And as you're grasping to keep the shambles from disappearing again, you lose track of the present. You get lost in the future. You vanish into the past.

The possibilities are amazing. I could be with her and before I know it, I'm feeling happy again. Feeling happy and I can't stay happy forever. I sure as hell can't stay sad forever either, so that's a comfort.

Before the shocks and lasers that shoot from the auras of the bodies in the cold streets, I ask for protection. Sometimes, I cast a spell unconsciously and the protection is there without me realizing it.

FUCK. Harsh harsh harsh, is that my basal ganglia acting up again?
Honey. Soft soft soft, darling you're in my mind and I won't let go this time.

We're two in one. We're both real. He taped over my mouth and plastered everything with fake realities created by fake people with fake ideas about a fake world.

I have the key to the real world. I need to find the lock.

More time to be mindful. Less time to procrastinate.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope