A list of things I've witnessed recently

I don't write enough lists. They make a lot of things simpler - things like recipes, invoices, and yes, even blog posts. Too many of them is probably not that great a thing though. Can you imagine your life being filled with a series of checklists? A list of checklists, turning into a list of lists of checklists ad nauseam. It's actually pretty scary to think about, because if you fill out the lists you eventually turn into a robot. But there's something to be said about having just the right amount of lists in your life, so here's one I want to share.

A list of things I've seen in the past couple weeks or so:

• A car followed by a small truck zooming past me on the segregated streetcar-only tracks on St. Clair. The truck driver quickly realized his mistake and practically jumped off the tracks back onto the road. The car just kept going, at least till the next intersection
• 2 dead rats in the backyard. Suspected killer: Winnie the fat orange cat
• White petals blowing off from the cherry tree and coating the ground
• A badminton birdie twisting on the top of a net and barely making it over to the other side of the court
• Hundreds of little purple flowers dispersed on a hill in High Park
• Two wood ducks, one male and one female, surrounded by four male mallard ducks who were quacking at the lone female in Grenadier Pond
• The Weeknd catch fire on Youtube
• A sketch painting in the subway of a middle-aged Asian woman looking at her phone with headphones on
• A woman in her late twenties nonchalantly twirling her black hair while speaking about her sister-in-law to a male friend on the bus
• A plastic box containing a couple dozen homemade ginger snap cookies
• A full moon partially obscured by clouds in the late night sky

Paraphase over

I think my Paramore phase is finally over. Actually, it's probably been over for a while now, as I haven't been listening to them much. Not at all during the winter (or not much other music for that matter).

The official realization came today while cooking myself breakfast. I had decided to plop in their self-titled CD in the music player and I found myself skipping to the next track halfway through a song. And during some favourites like "Ain't it Fun" and "Part 2" - songs that I was sure I would love forever -, I realized that although the guitar riffs and drum solos were pretty great, the lyrics were making me feel isolated, sad, and even angry at times.

I don't like feeling depressed. Nor do I like feeling angry. And I've written enough about loneliness to know that anything that contributes to that loneliness is not something that I want in my life. So it's time to move on to music that makes me feel happy, and there's plenty of that out there.

-

Oh, looks like I'll be going to a Blink-182 concert this summer! Maybe not the happiest music in the world, but I'll be going with good people so that's pretty great.

Kaleidoughscope #1

Bluegreen

I've started to journal again. I find it quite therapeutic. The physical feedback of the pen scratching the paper and the semi-permanent ink on the page is nice. I can't go back and erase complete sentences like I do so often here. I mean, I could, but then I'd start feeling like I'm wasting ink. And I don't like wasting.

I tend to journal in french. I find it difficult to type in french, but writing with a pen on paper is different. I know exactly where to put the accents, and I don't have to fiddle around with keyboard settings to find them.

-

The mac I'm using is making weird sounds. It's because it's importing a CD - a drumming CD. At first, it sounded like a bulldozer trying to climb over a giant ant hill; now, it's a more regular sort of scanning sound. Regular and persistent. More like a colony of ants exploring the surface of a bulldozer.

-

I had an idea for my blog yesterday.

So I've stuck with this whole kaleidoughscope theme for years now, and up until yesterday I had never really tried to draw one. But then I found my old set of colour pencils from art class and decided to fill in a circle with different colours. And I thought "okay, great, I can finish this kaleidoughscope and then scan it and upload it to my blog".

But then I got fed up that I was drawing my kaleidoughscope in my writing journal and stopped.

-

I've been pretty good about treating this nature deficit disorder for the past few days. Stopping and noticing greenery in the city whenever possible. Spending time in the sun, or doing breathwork after the rain, when negative ions are aplenty.

Natural deficit

Nature Deficit Disorder. Now that's a label I can get behind. I'm inspired by it. It's a label unlike any other that does not seek to put a fault on the human being or one's brain chemistry.

It's been a rough few months. I think I underestimated the winter season. I was looking forward to snow and the calmness that it usually brings and instead got swept up by fire and chaos.

I hope to revisit this theme of lack of nature or, more positively, the efforts that I make to include more nature in my life.

Snippets of semi-controlled energy

Stream of consciousness writing is really cool. Or free writing; it's a similar thing I guess. I do want to edit what I write so it's not too difficult to read. But not having to worry about a particular writing style is calming.

Calmness. Serenity. Peacefulness. They're nice words. They're nice because they represent nice things. Actually, I prefer the first two over the last. I think the first two are just nicer looking words, and "peacefulness" just lacks the right letters.

Why am I writing again? Because I wanted to share how I'm feeling. And I also wanted to calm myself down a bit. I'm not overly excited or anything... no, I just feel anxious. And although I don't often turn to my blog as a therapy tool, there's no reason why I shouldn't.

I feel like I should turn to it more often. Part of it is a sort of obligation to be genuine. See, I've sometimes told people that I have a blog, and that I use it as a way for me to cope with my spiritual emergencies. But to be honest, I haven't used it all that much. It's not like I ever really had a daily ritual of writing something down here. On the other hand, I don't need to look up my old posts to know that I've often written about my feelings and thoughts on things, and it would be difficult for me to say that this blog has not helped me at all. So if I never used it, then yeah, I couldn't really tell people that I'm a blogger. But I do, so I guess I am genuine after all and I shouldn't worry about that.

Wow, tonight it seems like I have more to share. Maybe one of my theories is true. What is my theory? Well, I think that anxiety can also be thought of as uncontrolled creative energy that does not have an outlet. Without an outlet, creative energy has nowhere to go so it sort of stays bundled up in the body and it just makes you feel like crap. But if you could direct that energy outside, out of your system, then maybe the anxiety symptoms would lessen. Well, I still feel anxious up till now. Doesn't mean my hypothesis is invalid, though.

What sorts of thoughts do I have while I'm feeling this anxiety? (I wanted to say "Why am I anxious?", but the answer to that, according to what I just explained, would have been "because my uncontrolled creative energy isn't flowing").

It's a combination of a lot of little things and some big things. Like for example, I've had my phone for a while, but the screen is cracked and chipping away in some places, and every time I look at it I remember that I caused this damage to it, and repairing is not an option. More importantly, the camera is kinda broken and although I can still take pictures, they almost always come out really blurry. I think the internal focus sensor is broken. And I'm not going to repair that either. It really sucks because my phone is more appropriately called a "camera phone", since the camera normally shoots in really high resolution and it has all these settings to shoot with that make it similar to a DSLR camera or something of the sort. And now I can't use it to take pictures. So I have this pretty expensive phone that is now mostly used as a mobile browser, for calling, and for texting. I guess the anxiety stems from knowing that hundreds of dollars (and some slave labour) went into the phone and now it's sort of sitting there, not able to perform.

Okay, enough about the phone. I also feel anxious because I realize that a lot of my days are spent sitting in front of the computer, surfing the internet, reading comments on Reddit, watching streamers play Hearthstone on Twitch and sometimes also playing some games here and there. It's sort of depressing. But I just don't know what else to do. My djembe drum is sitting beside a brown bookcase, staring at me, silently asking me why I haven't struck it in months.

Come to think of it, I actually feel like playing it for the first time in a long time. That's really weird, and I should look at it as a positive thing. Unfortunately, I can't play it because it's late and it would wake up not only my housemates, but probably also the 100 year-old lady next door who suffers from migraines. And I'm not an inconsiderate bastard.

If there was a drum circle, right now, in the ravine or something, I would be there. How cool would that be? Disregarding the fact that it's below freezing outside, going to a drum circle right now (with maybe a bonfire and some dancers) would be absolutely amazing.

That makes me think of my friend K. She's in Australia right now, but she's the kinda person who goes to these kinds of things all the time. ALL the time. She does something called buugeng, which from what I gather is sort of like fire spanning. And she's been to Burning Man. So -that- kind of cool person (sorry to put you in a box!).

I have an extended network of friends, I realize. I rarely see any of them them nowadays. Some, like K, are in far away lands. Others are busy working. I just... feel sad that I don't spend time with these people. I want to spend time with them, it's just I don't know what to do with them anymore. That felt weird to type... What I mean is, I don't seem to know what sorts of activities we could do. That's just an excuse, I admit. But I sometimes think in my head that I'm not really capable of fulfilling that "friend" role anymore, so I just don't bother trying.

I get anxious about the fact that I have no clear direction in life, career wise. Even job wise. Like, is the point of living to make money to afford being able to live somewhere and being able to buy food to live? I guess it sort of is in a capitalistic society. And now I think of my friend S, who, last I heard, is working on a paper about how capitalism is stripping away things that make us human. Okay, that's probably not right at all, but I know his paper is critical of capitalism.

AHHH. Thinking about S, it freaks me out that there are people that I could potentially hang out with, but I don't take the steps to do so. What is wrong with me?! I feel like something is wrong with me because I think that I can't handle conversation well anymore. It's so much easier to write this stuff than to talk about it with someone face to face.

I'm going to go make myself a tisane now. To soothe (another nice word) my all-over-the-place mind. And maybe I'll log on to Skype for the first time in months and maybe I can at least have an online conversation with someone. Some of my Skype contacts are actually acquaintances I've only met online. And with my creative energy somehow channeling through me at the moment, maybe I'll be able to spur conversation my way. For some reason, it's something I crave at the moment.

My last anxiety to share is that I feel like I haven't completed some of my thoughts in what I've just written. Oh well. There's always another blank blog box to write in if I want to.

-Gabriel

Two months far gone

Hey. I don't really know who I'm writing to. I guess I have to say I'm writing to myself in a public way, on this blog. This blog which has been in my life for many, many years now.

I usually try and write at least one thing a month, so that on the sidebar of my blog it at least looks like every month is filled in. Not so for the past two months, but I guess for February 2016 there will be a post.

I guess I'll write down how I feel just now. I mean, I do that a lot on here and a lot of the time I write that I feel alone. Well, today is no exception. I feel alone. I want to be social. I want to be happy! I want to be social because I think it means I will be happier? I think it's probably true. But isn't happiness something that can be kind of addictive? I mean, being happy sure feels good! So why don't I make more efforts to be social? Is it because it doesn't actually make me happy? I really hope not! I recall reading that having a good network of friends is a good teller of many important things, like psychological health and happiness. So in the darker part of my brain I think "Oh, what's the point of being around people, I don't really have much to offer to them anyway". I don't like thinking that.

A lot of the time I will think "Okay, I will text so and so. Maybe we can do something". I never do. Or at least, I haven't in a long while. It's kind of scary to think about, so I ignore this behaviour. I talk about these things with a therapist sometimes. And I get good feedback.

Channeling some Lyra again would be great. I kinda am, again. I want to rely on this mystical conception of an angel that is there only to help me. Because otherwise the darkness is overwhelming and impossible to handle.

The darkness includes such ideas as:

• I'm going to be alone forever
• I'm never going to be able to build a life for myself
• I'm losing all my friends
• I am not a functional member of society

On the positive side of things, I know I made a new friend in the last year. Sadly, she moved back to England. But it was actually cool discovering that new friendships can happen.

I'm not sure when the next update will be. But my blog is not dead! So that's another positive.

-Gabriel

Stalling moments

I have moments in my life where I seem to not want to do anything. Wasting time. Stalling moments, I call them. I fear I may end up regretting theses moments when I'm older & wiser. I hope not. Really, these moments are easy to see: time spent mindlessly surfing the web, absorbing information I can't seem to recall in great detail anyway.

I wonder where I can draw more energy from. Vital energy that allows me to laugh with friends and go on adventures with them. Or energy that I use to buckle down and study harder - my study habits have definitely taken a turn for the worse as the coming winter approaches.

I guess I'm pretty disinterested in what I'm studying. Old philosophical writings from the early medieval era. I can't really even fully grasp what these old geezers are talking about. I should probably try harder to dig into it, but I feel like I'm studying philosophy because I somehow find it worthwhile. And yet, I can hardly explain what it is I'm studying. The nature of reality? There's some ethics here and there when I was reading some Abelard, but it seemed so far removed from what I experience in my own life (i.e. who ever considered the ethics of a servant killing his master in self-defence? why does this matter?) that I just feel apathetic toward it all.

I'm dreading the next essay that's coming for this course. It's almost 3x the length of an essay I just had returned to me (which, thankfully, fetched a mark that I'm content with) and I found this essay-writing experience not as intellectually fulfilling as I had hoped.

I'm so glad I can still write here. And it is strange that I feel like writing at this moment, for I have had a hard time finding the motivation to write anything lately. I'm glad I can write because I'm finding it difficult to talk to people. To relate to them, especially. I don't have much going on in my life right now, but I have had many moments that defy explanation in the past.

Speaking of these moments, I was talking to my therapist the other day about some pretty terrible experiences I've been through. And it felt good to really dig deeper into the kind of things that stress me out and keep me up at night, sometimes. That's one form of talk I do okay with; I'm talking about feelings more and more. Maybe not so much with friends, but at least with a professional. And I get along great with him, especially now that a lot of the anger and resentment I was feeling over some bad experiences is gone.

Stalling moments. Moments in eternity in a finite(?) universe.

I hope to see some northern lights someday.

 

Edit 2022/09/13 i.e. to i.e.

Simplify the dawn

Maybe I can write less. I feel like I have to commit when I write in this white box.

I am playing a game called Grim Dawn.It's kinda lonely to play a single player game all the time.

I wrote a philosophy essay last week. I think I'll do well on it.

I miss my friends. I miss my carefree times.

I'm thinking of getting my yoga more active again. Once a week isn't really doing much.

I've lost a lot of weight. Of course, I gained a ton of weight before I lost it.

I need to go to bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow (Class + Laughing Like Crazy Info Session + Mad Stories).

I cooked breakfast for the week. Egg muffins, no flour of course.

I am going to bed. And I'm reading The Worlds Within Her by Neil Bissoondath.

I am going to bed. And my dreams are once more part of my life.

The careful and the sluggish

Oh no, I'm not sinking again. I look at it as a vacation.
Yesterday, I played badminton again and then I came home and just... crashed. All day. I took care of one school thing (read: e-mailing my TA) and then decided to binge watch on Netflix.

Yeah, binge watching Netflix. I hear it's a rite of passage for uni students these days. Now that we have access to practically unlimited amounts of entertainment through the internet, it's become so easy to just... let the episodes fly by and forget about time for a while.

Ugh. It makes me feel dirty. Usually, the commercials would make me want to stop watching TV after a while, but now that they're gone... I just think to myself: "Oh, I'll just watch one more episode of Arrested Development and then I'll buckle down and get some work done". Yeah... well, that's not going too well. At least a part of my philo essay is done and I haven't left it to the last minute, which actually feels REALLY good. But if I keep down this Netflix path of instantly gratifying stimulating entertainment, I know that I could let myself go.

Luckily, I foresaw this cycle happening again and so I decided to enroll in a couple workshops/classes at Hart House early this September. One of them is a yoga class I've been going to (beginner's, but still challenging in so many ways!) and now I'm starting a class on training your voice & speech to boost self confidence. It's happening tonight, and for the next 8 weeks or so. I'm curious what it's all going to be about. I think it will help me get out of this mini rut I've been in since this weekend's late night gaming party.

My old yoga studio (that I quit this summer b/c I wasn't going and I felt too self-conscious to go to because of my weight which is now, amazingly, lower than I've been in years!) has been closed for a few weeks. And now I'm thinking of enrolling again - but instead of an unlimited per-month fee dealio, I'm thinking of buying a punch card that I simply have to use up. 50 classes. There's a challenge. I know that undertaking this challenge will make me feel great. And that's what I want to feel.

Great.

I am not going back to Netflix. I am not going back to Netflix. I am not going back to Netflix... at least not for the rest of the day.

Booze, cars, and... e-mail?

When I was a kid, I used to go to these Salon du livre events which are basically french book fairs. I used to love going to those things because I've always loved books. Of course, there have been times in my life where I haven't particularly liked books - especially in my early twenties - but I've generally liked having them around ever since I could read.

I remember picking up a book at one of these book fairs. A small and thin collection of short stories written by a franco-ontarien (french speaker from Ontario). The stories were mostly small excerpts of true memories from this author's mind, and out of all the stories in the book, the one I remember the most was one titled "Non, je ne bois pas" (no, I do not drink).

This particular story had, I believe, a profound effect on my world view. It was illustrated with pictures of an adult who felt insecure that he chose not to drink. This adult sometimes felt awkward when refusing alcohol at dinner parties, and he sometimes needed to make up excuses as to why he did not want to drink.

See, I like to think that I don't like to drink. And generally, it's true. I rarely seek out alcohol, and while I do enjoy having wine once in a while when I'm eating dinner with the fam, alcohol is not something that's on my mind often. I don't like/I can't drink beer, so I don't have much an issue when I go on my rare pub nights with friends.

I don't understand why alcohol is so ingrained in our society, and I don't want to talk about that here. I know there are many historical reasons why, and I just don't care. I guess I sometimes feel bitter about it. Now that I'm doing well, and living without substance abuse, I sometimes see alcohol as my enemy. I know it's not good to antagonize something like that; what if I start drinking more? Won't I feel awful about myself? And what about all the times where I had a great time being drunk - am I just supposed to ignore the fun times and think that alcohol is a terrible thing?

That's not a healthy attitude. But you know what else isn't healthy? Driving around everywhere. And it's the same thing, really. I enjoy being in a car, or a truck, or whatever thing has a motor. I doubt very many people can confidently say "Nah, I never like being in  car". It is like a body armour that goes very fast. But I just don't like that our society is so... dependent on these things. Didn't we do just fine before the horse and carriage? Haven't we always done just fine without these convenience tools that now dictate how cities are being built?

I guess this absurdity that I remark on is quite influenced by the fact that I grew up in a family that never owned a car. Once in a while, we'd have access to one, and we enjoyed the hell out of it. For example, I have fond memories of being driven to Quebec for Christmas and playing games in the car to pass the time. Or watching the changing landscapes as we transitioned to city, to suburbs, to country in the blink of an eye. One of the things I remember doing is watching the power lines dip up and down like one dimensional rope swings and wondering if they'd ever end.

And yet, I don't like cars. I like being in them. But I don't like them. They scare me. They scare me so much, and I've had to grow accustomed to this fear otherwise I'd never have been able to live 20+ years in the city. I've never been in a major car accident, so this fear does not stem from trauma. Curiously, I think it stems from the link I see between cars and environmental degradation.

I miss nature so often, I forget that I even miss it. And it makes tears well up in my eyes that I can't seem to live separate from the concrete and plastic, when I realize I'm so separated from the wild. But I remind myself that I am lucky. I remind myself that I live in the most beautiful country in the world and even though I've never left it, I know that one day I will find my place on Earth, possibly in Canada, where I belong.

Until then, I weep at the sight of my inbox. And I find comfort in the fact that I don't need to shop online to feel happy.

I wish my writing was magically more lucid. I never feel like editing for clarity. This is definitely one of those times.

-Kalyrascope

Blue and red, white c sharp

I sense beings that exist across the pond
I talk to them
They write back to me
And all is well
... Until the ringing of the alarm bell

Neon green coleslaw with bacon

I feel sad.
Not depressed mind you; just plain ol' sad.

I figure I'm going to try and feel the sadness and get through it by writing about it as purely as possible. It's not easy.

For starters, I'm already incredibly worried about paragraph and, to a lesser extent, sentence structure. I think that's what university does to people; it makes them worry about how things should be instead of what you want them to be.

I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm lonely because I have a difficult time around people sometimes.

It wasn't always this way. I think it has something to do with mary jane. I don't think she harmed me in any significant, permanent way, but I do feel like she's hurt me one too many times. It's been months since I hung out with her. At the moment, there's really no reason for me to hang out with her. And I see no reason that I would be ever alone in a room with her again.

Of course, there's no certainty in this; after all, Lyra knows I've failed to avoid mary jane numerous times when I said-promised I would.

I could so easily go and let her into my life again. Right now. But I won't, because Lyra is stronger. Tears don't lie: they are the non-sanguine flows of the soul.

Sentence.
Structure.

Failure.

I feel sad because I'm lonely, this I've said.
I wonder if I can find some real companionship that isn't in the realm of the spiritual or intoxical.

 I'm just an animal in a strange place with strange thoughts that have the potential to terrify. Not horrify; terrify.

That's one thing I've learned last summer: the difference between terror and horror. Supposedly, a good anthropol- no. no schooltalk no more.

i always thought I'd meet the girl of my dreams sometime during university.
without booze. without mj.
without fear. with love.

I'm getting better. Every day I get better.
I hope that I can hypnotize myself into the passionate Kalyrascope once again; and maybe then I'll find another brightly coloured soul just like me.

Nuit Blanche 2015 and chinese food

Another year, another Nuit Blanche.
Another Nuit Blanche, another set of adventures.
Another set of adventures; a time to remember... and forget about proper sleep schedules.

I still haven't fully recovered from this year's white night. After spending a few weeks readjusting my sleep schedule, I now find that it is scrambled once again.
Sleep, insomnia, dreams; they've always been recurring themes on this blog, have they not? And so I find that, once again, I must make every effort to normalize after the unavoidable sleep disruption that Nuit Blanche inherently causes.

What I've taken to doing is a cold shower. Every. Morning. Okay, so I can't really call it a cold shower because it's not entirely all cold. But I make sure to have at least 10 seconds of icy cold water flow down so that I can zap the slumber (or lack thereof) out of me. It works quite well at changing my mindset. All the anxious and depressive thoughts that stay captive in my bedroom seem to trickle away when the water hits my skin.

My feelings of inadequacy, of a creative mind burned off by the toils of daily life also seem to momentarily disappear. Just thinking about today's cold shower helps me with the writing I'm doing here as well.

So Nuit Blanche was actually fantastic. I went with a rather large group (for once) and I managed to stick to the group all night. The lot of us ate a delicious but incredibly frustrating meal (and not because of the food, because it was awesome) at a Chinese restaurant downtown. My sister, her roommate, three québécois folk, a British psychologist and her local Torontonian friend, and finally, myself. The reason for the frustration was not what I anticipated: the issue was that two people in the group ordered just like everyone else, and one of them did not get what they ordered and the second just... didn't get anything at all. It took 30 min (we had to run the clock eventually; it was getting ridiculous!) after we were all served for the last guy to get his food, by which time we were all done. So it sucked for him. As for me, my hot pot chicken/ginger/onion dish was really amazing. And quite paleo. And although I can't be 100% sure that there was no gluten in the food, being with newfound friends was enough to make me forget all the trouble of eating like a hunter-gatherer in a modern world.

Not many pictures to share (my beautiful camera-phone is now but a broken remnant of its former self), but some highlights include:

• A white bubble not unlike the ROM's/Science Centre's planetarium projecting natural disasters and a scrolling marquee counting the dead. Very powerful, very intense, very unforgiving.
• A trade-in centre where I traded in one of the lanterns hanging around my neck for a handmade candlestick holder. I think the idea was to make a meaningful connection between denizens of the Western world and denizens of more (economically) impoverished countries such as Colombia.
• A voting both where you had to choose between YES for abolishing borders or NO for keeping borders. It was a really ambiguous question... and I voted no. I still wonder why I voted no. So it was a great exhibit, because it stimulated discussion in our group.
• My personal favourite: A rickety-floating-metal-monkey-dome-cage contraption that was shaped like a doughnut and which made ominous sounds as it was buoyed up on the edge of Lake Ontario

I will make a last commentary here. I don't understand why people feel the need to get absolutely trashed during Nuit Blanche. It's such a shame. There's so much to do! But I get it. It's a pretty special night and I admit that I smiled a couple times at some of the shenanigans that the drinkers were up to.
But the fight I witnessed on the Yonge line at 3 am was NOT cool, and it got to me that a crowd was encouraging two young men to fight in the middle of a subway.

Still, I am looking forward to next year. Maybe my phone will magically fix itself and I'll have a couple o' cool pictures to share. For now, my words will have to do.

A nightmare on wheat street

UGH. I'm feeling exasperated.

See, I've been trying to eat healthy for about 5 years now. While I'm at home, it's relatively easy to cook healthy: I know exactly what ingredients to avoid, I know the staple foods that nourish me, and I know how to build meals from the ground up (I use recipes as a guideline). For example, curries have always been easy for me to make and I find they almost always end up very flavourful regardless of how much time is spent toiling over them. I rarely mess them up.

Tonight is Nuit Blanche. And I'm going with a bunch of strangers; really, I only know 1 person, whom I only met for a couple hours at a peer support group this week. For some folk, this could be a stressful experience, and I would be lying if I didn't say I felt a little apprehensive at the thought of hanging out with total strangers. But I have a pretty good sense of what kind of strangers I can trust, and my instincts say to go out and HAVE FUN! And a Chinese astrologer would say: "Well, you're born on the year of the Horse. You have an innate ability to steer clear out of trouble. Trust your instincts, and go with the flow."

Speaking of the Chinese... the plan is to go eat some Chinese food to warm ourselves up during what is sure to be a brisk October night. Sounds great, right? Well, it is! Minus the fact that just about every dish on a Chinese restaurant's menu either has soy sauce, or other gluten-containing ingredients. So, I'm taking a bit of time to look at the online menu of the Chinese place we're slated to go to. On the one hand, everything looks incredibly tasty! On the other, I'm basically trying to get a meal that has a good portion of meat & veggies with a bunch of spices added in (or mixed into a sauce that's not filled with processed junk/gluten).

The difficult part isn't knowing what I can and cannot (or rather, do not want to) eat. It's how to effectively communicate my dietary restrictions to the server or, more importantly, the chef that I find troublesome. And, no, eating gluten will not kill me. But I know from experience that I won't feel all that great after the meal if it's loaded with these things that my body does not react well to. There's MSG, and rancid oils that I definitely want to avoid; and to people who don't eat paleo, I know it seems kinda crazy to be so obsessed with all the ingredients that go into a meal, but it's an important thing and I wish it wasn't so damned difficult to just... eat natural foods. The kind of foods that humans have been eating for hundreds of thousands of years.

So I wrote down a few dishes that are likely to be safe or at least, much safer than things like... oh, I don't know... General Tso's chicken with super-sugary-gluteny sauce.

How the hell do you tell a Chinese chef NOT to use soy sauce because it contains wheat? It'd be like someone telling me NOT to add curry powder to my curries.

Yeah, I don't eat out much. Good on the wallet, though.

Starless

No stars in the night
Bright light in the sky
Pleiades unseen; blue red green white
                  Flares shine bright 

I sat alone in my fright
In a brisk summer's flight
              of fancy eve's delight

And I listened to to stories of commoners
despite
the green around me; surrounding me, arousing me

Stirred to action I awoke
the wind stirred and stroked
while the laughter around me
faded away to obscurity

Now I leave my seat
And my story is complete

Subtly staying true to nature's queue

"I really should work on my creative projects".
That's the thought that popped into my head while wondering what to do with my day. I don't have any classes at school on Wednesdays, so I have no rush to get up in the morning and scarf down some grok grub before I get going.

I mean, at least I get up now; earlier than 9 am, which is absolutely fantastic for me. I know I could get up even earlier if I found the right time: if I wake up too late, I feel tired. If I wake up too early, I feel exhausted. So it's about slowly pushing the clock backward and pushing against my urge to stay up late at night.

I don't know if I'm a night owl or not. Supposedly, some folk are more adept at getting up in the mornings and going about their day while others are more programmed for late night sessions and waking up later instead. The way I see it, if you live and breathe through electronics (like many of us do now), there's a good chance you'll go to bed later anyway and lose sleep in the process. Who hasn't wanted to keep binge watching one more tv show, or do just play one more round of Hearthstone before - WOOPS! - it's past midnight, and a new day has begun.

The fact that I'm relatively easy to talk to in the mornings, and that I don't need caffeine to get me going makes me think that I'm a morning bird. I definitely wasn't always great in the mornings. I think my Katimafriends can attest to that. But now that I'm older, I realize that mornings are when things get DONE. On the other hand, I have never had any problems staying up late into the early hours and going about, well, projects such as this blog. More often, it's playing video games or, preferably, having conversations with friends online who make me forget how long I've been up. Those friends are the best. Love you gaiz!

I think I'm probably somewhere in between being a night owl and being an early bird, to be honest. And that's an average place to be.

On average, I dislike averages more than twice a year.

Kalyra(scope)

See? Didn't I tell you I was perfecting my pen name?

I can see her again!

There was a time not long ago
where visions of singers in my head rowed
I jog my memory; singing in my ears
through headphones is all I could ever hear

I was doing some power walking back home from Keele and St. Clair. I had just gotten off the Keele bus after an evening spent with survivors of the unjust society in which we live in when suddenly... nothing happened. And that was the best part of my day.

With Iron Maiden starting my walk to my demeure, I knew I was in for a treat. Little did I know that I would be greeted by a still-powerful moon the size of a beach-ball in the heavens; and little did I know that she would be as bright as she was yesterday. Without cloud cover, the only thing that could have made my night even more satisfying was to have one of my favourite female vocalists start singing.

And so this song came on:

And I made it home safe and sound.

Signed by: Kalyrascope

Yeah, I am loving my new nom de plume.It's not quite perfect, but it'll get there.

Busy bees buzz blaringly

Wow, what a week it's been!

Maybe I could try a bulleted list.
What do you think, Lyra, my dearest muse? I'm just kind of exhausted here.
Go for it, obviously.

• I went to office hours for the third time ever in my post-secondary educational career. The two other profs that I've seen thus far (one last year, one the year before that), I've seen during times when I haven't felt too great. But in all three cases, I came out feeling more confident in my academic skills and intelligence.
• Joined the UofT badminton club! I'm officially a member again. Last I went there was... oh, two years ago. I'm definitely looking to improve my game this time around, especially since there are some really good players.
• Made... two new friends, and two new potential badminton partners! Let's see... the first one of four studies comp sci, the second one is a philosophy undergrad, the third studies physics, and the fourth is a philosophy grad student! And, it just so happens that I'm pursuing a minor in philosophy!
• Went to the Queer Orientiation meet n' greet! I wasn't feeling too well, so I didn't actually socialize or anything... but I did do some journaling and listen to music. And I came out feeling much better.
• Did some sprints, biking, yoga, and wore my five-toe shoes numerous times! Walking on grass was heavenly.
• Went to go see a movie! Here, I'll add a picture for once:

  

  It's a comedy, and it was really, really good! Highly recommended. Femme lead role(s).

  
  

I'm planning some great things in the coming weeks. And they will happen. As things already have. :)

Keep your dreams alive,
Lyra & Gabe

Whispers of the forsaken

I hear their whispers more than once a fortnight;
whispers of fright
whispers of angels delight

sorry... sorry... sorry... .. .
for what, I want to ask
for whom, I want to say
for what reason did you need to go away?

it's all hearsay
it's all they ever say
and it's all they ever made

echoes of the mire
threaten to overtake me
and painful jealousies
never fail to consume me

Oh, hey
it's you again
the demon from my dream
the nightmare from the beam
the ceaseless memories from my dream

Kal & Lyra 2015

A boulevard called horseshoe

So I biked today. It's not an uncommon thing to do in Toronto; but it is pretty uncommon for me to bike just for the sake of biking. Most of the time, I use my road bike to commute to and from school; sometimes to go to yoga studios, and other times to go to community centres to play badminton.

When you're biking and you don't have a set destination, the city opens up to you. You get to an intersection, and you have choices to make: "Do I turn right? Left? Keep going forward? Maybe I should do a U-Turn and find a street with fewer potholes". And the good thing about having to make these choices is that it makes the brain work; you're also not wasting gas whilst going for a joy ride.

So after my meeting at Accessibility Services (bless them!) @ UofT, I took it upon myself to head towards High Park to infuse myself with some nature. No, not literally. I mean, if I could shoot up some oak trees or some heron eggs, I probably... wouldn't. No, my intention was to bike in the sun all the way to High Park and de-stress after being caught up in the cycle of concrete that is the city Corporation of Toronto.

Instead of ending up in High Park, I took a twist at Dunda W. and biked along the West Toronto Railpath (which has been altered by the construction of a GO train service. Not a bad idea!). I got cut off at Ossington/Davenport by an impatient driver who thought it wise to dash behind the car in front of them, carelessly driving through the bike line to make a right. Totally illegal. Normally, I'm used to this, but it's about damn time I publicprivately say something about this. There have been far too many bikers injured by car drivers who think that their little shell of metal armour entitles them to break road laws.

I admit. I often dash past stop signs and I'm technically breaking the law as well. But I check who's behind me, who's coming in, and whether there are any children/idiot squirrels around. This makes me a good bicyclist.

The Tower of Angels (or yet another round of painful free writing)

-Why do I always write the best titles?
-Why do I always lose track of what I write?

The blue sunset exists. I've seen it. Not with my eyes, mind you; it's somewhere else out there. Lyra's world, I guess.

The more I look at my screen, the less creative I become. What's up with that? There's nothing free about this here. What part of my brain am I using?

I am really worried about the font I'm writing in now. It's too straight edge; not creative enough. And it doesn't matter anyway. Comma callus splice errors up the wazoo; IDGAF (that means I don't give a fuck, for you non-geeks).

I still want to meet Hayley Williams sometime. I mean, I guess I could purchase a VIP package, or go on a cruise with her or something (Parahoy, it's called).

But lately I've discovered a new band; no links, no pictures in this post.

I have so many pictures to post. I'm talking hundreds of thousands of... kilobytes worth of data pixels that captured a singular moment in time. This moment in time is merely a tense all muddled up in the future, past, and the present makes no sense at all.

The future makes so much sense. The past is just fact.

Angels. OH MY GOD I STAYED ON TOPIC!

My favourite angel these days is... oh my goddess I'm going to spell their name improperly. I could cheat and look up their name in a book that I have that's mauve and still in great shape and that I wish to study more (not by myself, mind you), here, have, some, commas, to breathe because I've been making you read for far too long now without really getting at anything particularly interesting.

MY favourite angel, these days... I... I can't pick anymore. I love them all too much. Love, love, love, why? That word is completely different than "amore", or, culturally... "amour".

Try it out. Try pronouncing "amour" (it's going to be difficult unless you can speak a romance language pretty well). Now try pronouncing the word "love". TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORDS! ... well, phonetically anyway.

Okay, I'll give it a try, Tzadfkiel. I think. No, I'm going to google you and see what the 2nd page has to say about you! IS that okay?

The hard ships swim softly through the snow

They're building a space elevator!

THOTH TECHNOLOGY / THE CANADIAN PRESS

Pretty neat.

Later day edit: I learned about this through Kenneth Oppel's Facebook page! He has a book series called Airbourne, and in one of the books (I can't remember which one; one of the later ones), he describes the building of a space elevator. I wish I could go into more detail; but you'd have to read the books to really get it.

Anyway, The Word on the Street is happening again this year! I've never been. But I am 95% convinced that I am going to go. It's just not an easy place to go to as an unpublished author. And I'm not going to advertise this blog because I would feel like a sell out.

Gabriel(le)

24 Aug edit: This is an atypical example of how a wannabe author thinks! =)

I could have put it better myself

www.xkcd.com

Gabriel(le)

Republished:
2019-08-3_

Living with Voices by Kevin Healey

No more citations needed. I'm taking a break from UofT for a while.

Gotta take care of Deathraven and Taxes.

Well, Deathraven's taken care of.

Number ###?

Speaks for itself LOL

Gabriel(le)

A regular, good effing day?!

How long has it truly been?! YEARS?! WTF.

I went to see my doc; then I went to North Toronto to get a badminton schedule; then I went to campus to get some sunshine and listen to music; then I went to go see my ethics prof and had a great conversation about so many things (such is philosophy). And then I came home and THERE WAS FOOD TO EAT ALL PREPARED.

And now I can do WHATEVER I want until bedtime in an hour because I e-mailed everyone I had to e-mail, I set up all the appointments I had to set up, and I don't need to freak out about the dentist tomorrow!

Goodnight.

:)

-Gabe

Feelin' alright on a Fursday Night

So I have 3 cats. They're actually all really nice felines, but only if you know them real well.

As a stranger, you'll never really get to see cat #1. It's 'cause he's black.

You might get to see cat #2. He's somewhat friendly; but he generally keeps his distance. Still, if you want to pet him, all you gotta do is scratch him gently under the chin. Careful though. More than 75 seconds of that, and you'll probably get bitten.

Cat #3 will come over and meow and meow and meow. And welcome you to my domain. He's super nice. Like, I can't think of a nicer cat. The typical fat orange nice cat, you know? I bet he'd do standup if he could.

Why am I talking about cats?

I was pretty much raised by them from the age of 7 onwards. Or whatever year Elvis Stojko won that gold medal.

Reowr.

-Gabe

Trust a peppermint teacup

You can do whatever you want. Well, you can try to do whatever you want. Sometimes you get stopped from doing what you want, and that's more than okay. And sometimes you get nothing at all like what you want. And that happens.

You always build trust. It is a procedure. It is a protocol that must be followed. You cannot blindly trust what you feel or think. Basic philosophy, I guess.

So, then, you test things. But you test things in a nice way. You don't test, then conclude, then test, and conclude, and test, and conclude, and conclude, and test. Basic science, I guess.

Some people say mean things. All people say mean things sometimes. No one is always nice. No one can possibly always be mean... can they? That can't be a reality that exists. It would make no sense.

I should end this weird post with a lame joke I took from a book (that someone spilled coffee on) that I don't want to read anymore because it's spoiled.

Things don't make much cents today.
But they'll make dollars someday.

-Gabriel

On the path again

Sooooo, I could write a long detailed post and for once, my fingers are about the same speed as my brain. So I could. I could write a lot.

But I'm sort of in a hurry to go outside and get some vitamin D. No, seriously, I'm super deficient, I'm sure. And although I feel -okay-, I know I will feel better in 15 minutes when my skin absorbs the sun rays and turns them into Vitamin D. Pretty incredible stuff.

-

I walked home from Yonge-Eg last night, partly through the Beltline, and I felt free. Maybe not as free as Halifax, but free from... you know, the darkness or whatever.
Funny I mention the darkness; it was pitch black at times, and the darker it got, the more real I became.

Anyway, no elaborate storytelling today.

But it'll come.

Soon.

-GW

A misty grey cloud boom

She writes on a golden brown table with the black machine in front of her. In her head, all around her are objects, things, concretes that cannot be seen through. Her hands move with male elegance lacking direction.

The lights around her are meaningless; she gets up to turn them off, but the Matrix turns them back on again anyway. She feels bored. He feels alone. Do they even exist?

Nonsensical questions that torment my mind and make me feel sad never end up sticking around for very long, but when they do, it is a hell without fire or ice.

So they take my spirit, feed her grey matter; kick her out, limping all the way home hoping a friend will come say hello. Instead, an appointment with dentists, optometrists, social workers. But where is the happiness?

The mood stabilization that occurs when the meds kick in drive away all the ecstasies and the dullness settles in.

Being a 24 year old is HARD. But ultimately, it'll get better.

Gabriel(le)

Ode to Teens and Preteens

This is not my original work. This was written by Pruderick B., a real cool guy who was in my grade 7 homeroom. I found this poem in my yearbook and I thought it was absolutely brilliant. Keep in mind this was written by a 12 year old.

Of course it's true

I want to be like the rest.

Buy saggy clothes and chains to look the best.

You don't know why you do it

Or maybe you do

Because I know that almost of you here do it, too.

Why not dress in suspenders like Steve Erkel did?

Why do people take away their personalities?

And conceal it with a lid?

We listen to music we don't even like

Just because the other people find it to be hype.

We're classified in groups by the things we wear

Japs, Ginos, Thugs and the Punks that shave their hair.

But, what if you're not in one? Where do you belong?

Is there something wrong with you, why can't you get along?

There's nothing wrong with you

you're being yourself

So let's be ourselves

And put our fake personality on a shelf

This may not be directed to you

But you know who you are

And people think this through.

Because I also need to think about this too.

I hope you know

This chain isn't really mine

It's not real

But at least it looks fine.

Some people think that all they need is a reputation

But I ask, "Is their brain under total domination?"

I say that because I think

Instead of a rep they really need to think.

"I hope I look good and that my hair isn't took dark...

I also hope that I will get extra marks"

All of us are trying to impress someone

I don't know who.

Try to be yourself

But I'm not going to tell you what to do

If I was, then I'd be the biggest hypocrite

Because being you, isn't as easy as I say it is

This isn't a lecture.

I don't want to bore you.

But guess what?

Most of what I said is true

And denying that fact is the worse you can do.

If this isn't true,

Then tell me why are you wearing what you are.

And think about it,

Will clothes really get you that far?

I'm closing with that statement

I'm going to finish now.

If what I said didn't get to your head

I hope it will, someday, somehow.

Pruderick Balmores 7F

Lyra diu tergum.

:) :( :) :( :D :D :D :D D: :'( :'( :'( :)

:) :O :)

Heart. Beat.

:)

Heart. Beat.

:/

Heart. Beat.

My heart is greater than the distance in between us.

(Yep, that's a Paramore lyric)

o_o"

-Kaleidoughscope

Waiting on the world to change

I was picking cherries in the tree in the backyard today and I was listening to the radio when "Waiting on the world to change" by John Mayer came on.

It instantly brought back memories from high school. The funny thing is I can't exactly pinpoint what memories; just a general vague feeling of having this tune playing in my life when I was 16 or so.

I don't think I really appreciated the song when it first came out. In my head, it was just another generic pop song, with a generic chord progression and a really memorable chorus. And John Mayer was just another pop star who won a grammy that year.

But being stuck in the tree and having to only focus on cherry picking and the music allowed me to really listen to the lyrics and I was really impressed. It really sums up the general apathy youth feel in the world today. And I found it neither condescending toward youth nor overly critical of the status quo. Just a "feel good" song.

Here's the Youtube video if you want to listen:

Waiting on the Canadian government to change, I'm probably gonna vote.

Kaleidoughscope

Speedin'

First half of summer semester 2015 done. It went by really quick; then again, that's the reason I choose to do summer courses. That, and I tend to do much better in summer courses than the other semesters.

So I'll finally have all my pre-requisites to get to the more detailed upper-year Anthropology courses. Although not all courses in the anthro department have Ant100 as their requirement, it's pretty much mandatory without saying it is.

There were a few hiccups in the early part of this class, though. For starters, I found that the organization of the course was poorly done. For the first tutorial, there were some articles to read and some questions to ponder while reading it. But, unbeknownst to me, the TA e-mailed actual questions that one had to answer to get full tutorial marks, outside the tutorial.

You're supposed to check your e-mail every day, so it's technically my fault for missing those questions when they were in my inbox before tutorial. But this is the only course in my UofT experience that:

a) Uses e-mail instead of blackboard to post tutorial content and
b) Has outside-of-tutorial work that counts toward your tutorial mark (i.e. participation grade based on outside work)

One guy spoke up about not having read his e-mail and thus missing the questions, and he made a huuuuge deal out of it with the TA. It was his second time missing the questions (the TA kept switching between blackboard and e-mail so it was actually really confusing).

Thing is, tutorials are worth 10% of your grade. At most, this guy was arguing for half a percent (he wanted a few hours after class to do the questions). I actually saw him walk out of the tutorial class after arguing for a bit, head down the stairs to get out the building but midway through CHANGED his mind and headed back to the TA to argue with her some more.

I could have argued as well, but it seemed petty and this is the TA marking my essays so I'd rather keep her on my good side. But I still felt a bit cheated because of the way the course was organized.

You know, this is the stuff that should probably go into the course reviews. I'll probably write it again to submit to them when they come around. I guess I wrote this so that when I look back at this when I'm older, I'll know what was going in May-June 2015.

Take care.

Another semester starting again

Wow, that year flew by fast. I had my last final exam at the end of April and while I still don't know the mark, I am satisfied with what I wrote.

So now I'm taking summer ANT100Y. Again. I took Intro to Anthro my very first year, but ultimately dropped it after a whopping 8+ page essay was due. Yeah, I didn't get ahead on that.

Funnily, I have the same prof I did for the first quarter of the year (there were four profs, two for the summer session) and he's actually a really good prof. A primatologist with experience in the jungle and with many funny tales to tell. And sad ones.

Man, he got pessimistic over two years. I mean yeah, humans are kinda destroying the planet and ultimately ourselves, but we can still change things around, right? Probably not. This time around, he mentioned the rampant antibiotic use as a very real problem. Essentially, super-bacteria are adapting much faster than we can keep up. So that's a bummer.

So I actually have all my course notes from that year, so that's a plus. And when I took the test, I got an A, so that's also great. Looking forward to getting this big fat first year credit out of the way.

Other than that, life continues as normal.

It's only the real world

It's 2 am after a Saturday night spend celebrating my buddy E's birthday. I am tired, exhausted, ever-so-slightly-drunk and pretty happy.

I spent most of the day inside, and did some yard work later in the afternoon out front and eventually found my way to E's house at around 9. Guests had spent their afternoon playing ultimate frisbee; a fact that I was aware of and yet I chose not to go play because I was embarrassed about being the stockiest guy there. I can't run for shit right now I'm so out of shape.

Unfortunately, I missed out on the BBQ but I got to drink for a couple hours before we headed downtown to a bar in Kensington call Supermarket. There were quite a few people and the dance floor was packed, but that didn't stop me from dancing. You know, I don't really care how I look when I dance. I mean, I make a bit of an effort to look cool but ultimately it doesn't matter. White boiz are made fun of for being terrible at dancing (the stereotype is probably true) but I still think attempting to dance is better than standing awkwardly on the dance floor hoping a lady will be interested in something other than your non-existent dance moves.

So I danced, and it was nice. And eventually we sat at the table till the night wrapped up and Ev was nice enough to me and E a ride home, which rocked because taking the TTC home at 2 am is a pain in the ass.

So I finally spent a Saturday night somewhere exciting instead of at home on my computer again, like every other night for weeks and weeks now. It's not healthy to stay isolated and never meet anyone new like I've been doing for a while now. I mean, I didn't really get to know anyone, but at least there was some chatter. I guess alcohol helps. I had some apple cider and some bourbon. Probably gross, but oh well.

Open your eyes
Like I opened mine
It's only the real world.

I need to go to bed it's late.

B+

Broken barriers bounded by the bomb beat
Buildings are broken, basically I'm bombarding
Casually create catastrophes, casualties
Canceling cats got their canopies collapsing
Detonate a dime of dank daily doing dough
Demonstrations done dada on the down low.

So that's where I'm at... uh... I was supposed to learn a new letter each day but I got really lazy. Okay. I will learn E and F tomorrow.

Life is going alright! Finals in two weeks, other than that I'm freeeee.

Alphabet project

Since I lack content but I want to keep writing I thought up of an idea of something I can do while I was listening to Daniel Radcliffe rap Alphabet Aerobics.

So the idea is I want to be able to do what Radcliffe did there in a month.

In a month's time, I want to be able to recite Alphabet Aerobics from A to Z. So to do this, every day (or almost every day, depending), I will learn a new letter in the song. And every day, I will repeat all the previous days until I have them memorized.

So ready? B...b...b..b..begin!

Artificial amateurs aren't at all amazing
Analytically, I assault animate things

I'm not dead

I feel really sad. It's been months and months since I've published anything. It's really depressing looking back at 2014 and seeing so few blog posts compared to all my other years, even my hell year in 2010. So this is a small effort to keep the flame alive.

Blah blah blah I could start writing about what I've been up to but it's really boring. Honestly, not that much. Yes, I am still in school and while I'm not taking a heavy course load, I am trudging along.

I talked to my neighbour today for the first time in a while. He's been carting stuff back in forth between the houses so I asked him what he was up to. Turns out he redid the floor in the basement of his house and replaced the ugly 35+ year old ceramic tiles with hardwood flooring. So now he's just moving junk out of the house into a big dump bin on his front yard.

Spring has arrived!

The winter really wasn't that bad at all.

Take care. I might post more. No promises. Thanks for reading.

I'm sick of writing my signature every damn time.

Signed,

Gabriel

Hanging on

Hey Lyra, I guess I'm hanging on.
It's been difficult, the past few weeks.

Yes, it has been a trying few weeks. I feel like the meds have been cutting me off from you; or vice-versa, depending on how you look at it.
Yeah. But your soul is bright; it's just your brain and your body that don't tolerate the meds. I'm still here; protecting you; a golden defender.

See I miss having our conversations. Now it feels forced.

I pace a lot. I can't sit still for very long; or I lie down and close my eyes a lot to pass the time because I'm so fatigued. Blah blah blah.

Where is my creativity?
It's right here; I'm creating by writing... but it all feels so uninspired. Aren't I just whining that I'm on meds? Who cares.

I care. Your friends do too. And you know that. Do things that you enjoy more and you'll be okay. There's nothing wrong with spending some time on the computer blogging when you can.

Yeah, I feel better already. I just wish the apathy and fatigue would go away and that I wasn't so afraid all the time.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Emotional and lost

I am very emotional right now.
Today is a crying day.
My mind speeds out of control of my body.
Lyra; archangels; thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I cry my heart out to the world
The world is rich; the world is cold
How I feel and how I think mesh together in an endless insanity
But the tears feel real; so I cry a lot.

A shoulder to cry on
Some eyes to lean on
Some reality to counter the endless fakeness
The shroud comes and goes;
like the rain outside today
that perpetually
comes
and goes

Lyra; Lira; Lee-rah; Lye-rah.
English to français
Where is the continuity?

I feel lonely in my little cave
I feel very lonely at the bottom of the blackest hole
I'm an emo kid; conforming as can be
You'd be conforming too if you felt just like me

I wish I could call upon a friend in my time of despair
And in my time of despair, a friend is all I need
To accept me for who I am
and what I've become

Overwhelmed by the cold
Taken aback by the hot
I don't know how to get through this
And I need someone like you.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

A grateful day

I had a better-than-okay day today, Lyra!
=)

It started out a little rough; some anxiety in the morning, but no hardcore panic attacks like previous days. While I was mulling around looking for things to do, I found out that one of my favourite yoga teachers was teaching a class in the afternoon so I decided to head downtown to go to it. I'm so glad I did! I felt great for the rest of the day.
The courage you had to get through previous days and to keep your chin up led to you having a good day. True?

I guess so. I slept poorly though, so this morning it kinda felt like today was just going to be a continuation of yesterday but it was totally different.
In what way?

Well, for starters, I learned about a panic-attack severity reduction technique called alternate nostril breathing. And I practiced a bit of that and it definitely calmed me down when I did it, so I'm thinking of practicing it more.
I also found ways to channel my anxiety into creativity. So I did some photography and I played my djembe today!
Show the world the beauty you've captured. As your muse, I ask that you not hide your creativity and instead let if flourish by sharing your capacity to create with others.

I tried to keep everything natural and local; these are plants from my frontyard and backyard. And there's a pile of rocks and some sticks too, if you're into that.

©GGH 2014

©GGH 2014

©GGH 2014

©GGH 2014

©GGH 2014

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Lyra's Continuum

Where do you reside, Lyra?
I am your soul.

This is getting real deep, real fast.
Do you mind that?

To be honest, the white page is enticing. It leads me to want to fill it with my words. It's just that all this is pretty personal. But it's real.
So you mind a little bit...?

Yeah, just a little. Not enough to stop me from pouring myself out to this pensieve.
That's good. Stay open about how you feel and what you're thinking from time to time.

It feels strange to have a dialogue with your soul. I mean, have you ever had a dialogue with your soul?
You're splitting the atom, honey. We're intertwined. Think of it that way.

It sure feels good to talk about this complexity of mine; this state of co-dependence. Of symbiosis.
It's good that you're honest with yourself.

Still, I feel alone.
Yes, we know. *Lyra groans*

Okay, I'm working on not being so alone. On talking to friends and people that have made positive impacts on my life.
It's difficult for you it seems.

Yeah. I like to pretend I'm independent but as a human being, I cannot be. We are social animals.
Totally. But you find your environment to be conducive to solitude, methinks.

Yup.
Don't worry! Like so many others have told you, you're on a journey. Hate to (re)break it to ya, but life is a journey, not a destination.

Peer support groups actually help.
That's good.

I look forward to being around other people more.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Lyra's Humanity

I'm going through a rough patch.
I have felt very anxious all day; very jittery; I just have to move.
The side effects from the psychiatric medications are scaring me.
The shortness of breath makes me feel like I'm not breathing; and my anxiety is compounded by this lack of breathing.

Remember yesterday. Deep breaths.
I'm so happy that I can connect with you, Lyra. I know we're the same person and yet you're different than me.
I am here to help; always. Tap into my energy more, darling.

I withdraw into my own world because I've opened up to the wrong people before. By the wrong people, I mean the psychiatrists, the nurses, the whole fucking shebang at CAMH. I told them true things and the only thing they could do was give me another fucking label: schizo-affective disorder. A mood stabilizer and an anti-psychotic and #YOLO I'm on my way home! HA.

I have a rage against the mental health system that will be tempered by activism.

Good. Channel positive vibes. Don't victimize yourself unnecessarily.

I needed help. And the best they could do was prescribe me a medication and then offer me services like rec therapy (which was a positive experience) and manicures (something I still haven't tried).

And now you struggle. I understand what you're feeling. The meds are causing problems and they are hurting you. But one thing the meds cannot do is take away your hope and recovery. You have me, and you have good friends. Open up to them more.

*Gabriel feels tears of happysadness welling up*
Screw the apathy. Loneliness is the root cause of my problems.

Lyra, I feel numb and anxious. A horrible discomfort in my stomach; the punches of millions of little psyche-actresses trying to tear me down.

The ocean like the stars; la lumière illumine les ténèbres en toi. L'amour des astres. Rafaelle, aide moi.

I will get better. I am better after writing.

Paintings in Strathroy; Sep 2013

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Some words about angels

Okay. I want to take a deep breath.
I took a *somewhat* deep breath.
I'm going to try again.
In and out.

LYRA!
Shhhhh it's okay; it's okay. You're not perfect.

If I could, I would give you one of my rare hugs. It seems they're getting less and less rare by the day, though.
That's a good thing.

Are you an angel?
No, but you might be.

How...?
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The meds hurt me.
...? They've... Oh. The anti-psychotics; yeah. Don't worry; you're stronger than you think.

I miss you.
And I love you.

Rafaelle? Raphael? Rafael...

Photoshop cred: Unknown. However, this was created for me when I was a young teenager. Oh yeah, and the lens flare is my doing; naturally.

-

So I believe in angels. I am not an atheist. I am not an atheist. I am a theist. I am not atheist.
I am what I am no matter what is said about me.

There is no love in hatred.
Ergo, I do my best not to hate.
Well, I still really dislike mosquitoes and bad bread.

The irony of the matter is that I don't eat bread anymore and here I am writing under this dough-guise.

Relax. Isn't this writing therapeutic?
It really is. I don't even need an audience. Yet I still publish... why?
You have a desire for recognition. And you've got it!

=)

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Freewrite Red

What a strange place I find myself; mentally, I mean.
Sure, Holden Caulfield had his ridiculously stupid Red Hunting Hat or whatever, but if I'm not a hunter, then what am I?

English. English grammar. Spelled with an -ar at the end.

It's not easy to freewrite when all around you is grey matter. Grey matters most when you're looking for a place that you know.

Nothing makes cents; some things make dimes; and some things make dollars.

Things? What is philosophy if not slavery to a torment?

Lady Sylvanas Windrunner wisely puts it: "What are we if not slaves to this torment?".
Luckily for me, I'm still a horde player in World of Warcraft.

Yeah, I started playing again; after years of separation, a little bit of the game is not going to hurt. In all truth, I welcome the escape. I need the escape for a little while for I've become far too self-conscious.

It's not easy freewriting to the world, especially when you feel like you can be read like a semi-open book.

Not that I'm a cyborg or anything - last I checked, I was a human being, despite feeling like a number in recent encounters with the system.

I should upload a picture.

Which one shall I pick?

I found this one on my computer. Looks like Eevee evolutions to me. I apologize to the content creator: I have no idea where this is taken from.

Eevee is a sweet Pokémon.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope

Compostellisation

"Tu as libéré les ténèbres. Tu as produit la lumière, afin..." To those worried about me, I'm feeling better today. I've got my favourite band playing through my headphones and I finally managed to get some sunlight.

Gravity of the situation

It is a constant, at least on Earth; classically. Help.

Challenging Ableism Part One

I went to an event this evening that really got me thinking.

I went because, purely by chance, I was invited to go by someone I sat next to when I was at the SBA (Students for Barrier-Free Access) office on campus today. I was there because a) they have computers available for student use and b) they're located pretty close to the exam centre. I needed to get some studying done.

Yeah, I had a midterm today for my Globalization & Urban Change course. I was somewhat nervous going into it because I didn't feel like I had understood all the readings and the material, but it turned out much better than I expected.

So anyway, right after my exam, I headed to OISE to attend a panel discussion called: Organizing Disability Justice: The Importance of Accountability, Care, and Relation-building.

I really didn't know what to expect because the words in the title didn't really speak to me. However, once the panelists were introduced, my interest was piqued and I plunged into the world of (dis)ability studies.

From deafness to degenerative illness, to care-giving and care-receiving, I was exposed to a world that is too often hidden from the public eye. And I learned of the struggles and of the successes that people with disabilities experience.

It is a first real full glimpse into a world that I hadn't experienced since my work in Katimavik with Search Community Mental Health in Strathroy and, in Vancouver, my work with TB Vets Charitable Organization.

It was nice to feel part of the movement for social change again.
University is slowly but surely changing my life for the better.

Signed,
Kaleidoughscope