Strewn fatalities.

There's something about being with a group of people that gives a great sense of power. Alone, the human does not thrive. When you're with people, and you're in something together, realms of possibilities open up.

Below, we have a carefully prepared biking accident.

Rigor mortis really bloated me up.

We did this picture for a very interesting Vancouverish project, which was to create a zine to promote sustainable transportation. A zine, from what I remember, is a sort of underground publication, and it's not a very "professional" thing. A bunch of pages photocopied and given out to whoever takes them.

The picture was taken behind our house, in an alleyway with frequent scooters. We then placed the picture in our zine, and distributed it at an event called Critical Mass, where a whole bunch of bikers show up and ride, ride, RIDE!

The great thing about my Katimagroup is that when inspiration went around, there was enough push from a few people in the group to actually go and do things. I thought this photo shoot was a pretty good idea.

Groups are stronger than most individuals; most individuals like to feel included in groups.

In retrospect, Katimavik taught me that inclusion is a very, very powerful thing. Feel the inclusion that you have in your life, and if you can't do that, look into your memories and find it, and grow from there to express it to others in whatever way seems appropriate.

La solitude ne peut pas t'engloutir.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull

From the beginning.

Circle of life. Me, I try and think outside of that circle. Sure, life is what we are, and in a healthy ecosystem, things go in a circle.

But what about beyond that? Our minds have the capacity to transcend the physicality of life.

... Anyway, I'm thinking in the clouds now, time to dazzle things up:

Shoulders ruin everything. It's almost a perfect circle, but a perfect circle wouldn't leave room for any escapes.

This picture was taken within the first or second week that I started the Katimavik program, in Strathroy, Ont. Somewhat reluctantly, I joined in on this quintessential Katimavik group photo. It was a tough mental thing for me to do, lying down and trusting that my head would be fine surrounded by all these other heads, ha ha.

-

This was taken in a park, at the very beginning of autumn, but with enough sun to keep things bright.

Strange, how I seem to relish in the sunlight. The moonlight is held much dearer to my heart.

But nights aren't very good for crystal clear pictures such as this.

-

To me, this picture simply symbolizes trust among friends.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull

Positive, positively charging up.

So, while I'm definitely not the most social being at the moment (however much I wish I was), my yoga practice at a very heartwarming place on Bloor Street helps me keep up to date with what goes on in Toronto. Well, at least weather wise. =P It's also nice that I get to meet people when I play badminton at various places; and of course, my wandering through the streets of Toronto certainly helps keeps things real... yo.

It's definitely not a good thing to keep up to date with the world solely through social media, the internet, and other modern forms of communication. I know this from my own extensive experience, having been connected to the internet practically daily since I was seven or eight years old, with a few escapes here and there. ((I miss Neopets, that's for sure. I was a millionaire at one point, and I was getting richer every day!))

My biggest "escape" from the mad machine thus far has been my Katimavik experience, which lasted nine months, from September 2008 to June 2009. For most of this program, the internet ((and most of the "outside" world)) meant almost nothing to me. It was merely a tool. It still is a tool, but I feel like the tool has outmaneuvered the user.

So, for the next little while, I've decided to use my blog as a tool, but with an intended purpose: sharing the love and caring that the Katimavik program instilled in me. Spreading positive energy, if you will.
The idea is simple: I'll be putting up pictures that represent/demonstrate the many amazing memories and adventures that I've done in the Katimavik program, with the hopes that it will bring back that feeling of being alive, of being at a place where I really felt my worth in the world. And the goal is for you, whoever you are reading these words, to go out and also find ways to make your world a better, caring, and perhaps more fun place to live.
With many of my readers being students, and with the end of the schooling year coming to an end soon, I feel it's an appropriate time to start this little side project, something that'll be totally different from my consistent whining and critique. (Okay, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but it's hard to lose the "young adult" anger that I feel when I notice harsh disparities all around me).

This blog has improved my quality of life, especially at times where I've felt nothing but despair and loneliness, and has served as a refuge away from the real world for many years. But it's also been a place that has  allowed me to document my journey through existence, however intricate it may be sometimes.

Before I begin a new chapter in my repository of ideas, I'd like to share a source of inspiration (keep in mind I have many!) with you. My long time friend Kate recently started her own blogging project, and she was actually once a contributor on this very blog, back when I was just starting this project of writing into this box. A very nice box that has always accepted my thoughts, no matter how wild they may sometimes be. Her blog, aptly named Kate Inspired, is definitely a place worth checking out. I'm jealous of how captivating each of her entries are! I really like the way her pictures add so much life to everything she writes about.
And that's what I'm striving to do with this blog now: bring back some life into this soul of mine, even if to you, beloved reader, it may just be something on a computer screen.

But to me, it's part of my soul. Or if you're feeling more magical, it's my horcrux, which also happens to be my very own pensieve.
If I only managed to be more at ease around Hermione or Luna, mayhaps I wouldn't need such a sprawling pensieve...

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Starstarer

My most amazing daydreams are made by one of my most treasured and favourite authors.

I anxiously await to have the proper reading light to finish this book, and I hope I can find the first two of the series somewhere in the house to rediscover the cloud cats, my "daymares".

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Little sardines.

So I have a can of sardines in front of me. I've only eaten sardines once in my life, and I actually really loved the experience. I was sitting in front of my computer just like I am now, and I had a can of sardines. I was thinking "gosh, these sardines are super healthy!". And I felt great after eating these lovely little fishies.

I'm hungry right now, and I'm trying to finish this salad with good stuff in it that was going to go to waste if I didn't eat it like I am now. But I'm afraid that if I finish this big salad, I won't be hungry for sardines, and besides, I should be going to bed soon so I can wake up earlier tomorrow and accomplish a bunch of things that really need to get done. Even though waking up early to do things, in my world, never really increases the likelihood of my checklist getting nearer to completion. If anything, it really just gives me more room to procrastinate.

Anyway, I don't have time to worry about these things, I have to keep pondering over these sardines, or go on a tangent.

I have a really great friend from Katimavik. She often wanted people to play Sardines with her, which is a game that is supposed to be the reverse of hide-and-seek. One person hides and people go their own ways to find said person. When they find them, they hide together.

I think I was evil in that I always was consciously trying to avoid playing that game, because the closeness of being packed together like sardines scared me. Sorry, K! 

So until then, I'm just going to get my mouth to make out with my canned sardines.

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Sad & happy 1

Sometimes it's nice to be able to simplify things into black and white. Simplified does not necessarily equal "not intricate".

in·tri·cate

[in-tri-kit]

–adjective

1.

having many interrelated parts or facets; entangled or involved: an intricate maze.

Things that make me feel sad

• Losing a team game (video or otherwise) because someone didn't care enough about the game and/or gave up because it seemed impossible to win
• Having amazing adventurous ideas but no one ever having the time to do them with me
• Being afraid to mention said ideas among friends, especially acquaintances
• People wanting to hang out with me but end up forgetting to because of constraints (mental, societal etc.)
• Hearing and witnessing the cats of the house scream when they're playfighting
• Spending the day wandering the city looking for glimpses of love, hope, and happiness in public and not seeing it
• People hating on other people because of the way they choose to spend their time
• Talking about something that interests me to a group of people and having them get disinterested because I can't articulate what I want to say, or the idea in my head is confusing and I need more time to explain
• Not seeing the possibility of having someone call or write to tell me about their problems and stories
• Songbird (music player) playing tunes that I'm not feeling at the time that I hear them

Things that make me feel happy

• Someone complimenting my wealth of knowledge
• Playing a game I'm somewhat good at with friends of my generation
• Learning games in a non-time dependent setting
• Getting the wanderer's high (similar to the runner's high)
• Being able to lock eyes with someone I trust and them being able to sustain the gaze
• Coloured duct tape
• Being able to sing without worry
• Re-discovering my Yu-gi-oh cards
• Being around people who don't generalize the effects of marijuana
• Being around people who are drinking
• Being around people who don't feel the want to drink
• Finding connections with people I never knew I had
• Discovering someone's philosophy of life in a one-on-one setting
• Finding (old) presents friends gave me, especially when the presents are unintentional, but also things that I can tell had some amount of time put into them, without feeling like money came into play significantly
• My purple ink pen

There are way better examples than the ones I've listed here; I'm not that boring. I just can't think of anything right now and I just felt like writing random things down. I better post this now before I feel like re-inventing all those point forms.

I am right-hearted.

P.S. If you can relate to ANY of the points I just listed, please love a comment! If you feel you can't relate to ANY of the points I just listed, please leave a comment! :)

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A little virtual green.

I will always love and respect Greenpeace, they make sense to me pretty much always.

The grasp of the virtual.

Year after year, the virtual world becomes more and more... developed, and complicated, and brilliant new ideas spring up, and more information becomes available to more people.

How will we survive?

I have optimism - the human soul can overcome all these challenges that the brain is faced with, barricades and flows of data, of sensory input. The overload of information that we are faced with, the myriad of mental dysfunctions that the psyche-actresses (I really love this word that I've transmogrified) have to deal with every day.


I think the human essence/the human soul aren't really related to sensory information, there's a distinction there. You can -feel- alive, but is that -feeling- a sense? A sense of being alive? Can you sense your existence in much the same way that you can feel picking up a piece of paper and taking a pen to write something down?

To put things into perspective: Today, after waking up and noticing that AGAIN my beautiful and yet irritating computer had decided not to make the connection to the internet, I spent a couple hours just trying to get a permanent fix so that I never have to wait for my internet connection to reconnect when I reboot/sleep my computer.

And I couldn't connect to the internet, it sucked, I wanted to check my e-mail (and maybe Facebook, I admit), and just be assured that I could contact people if perchance someone finally invited me to go somewhere (out of this place).

So in frustration, I made a wise choice and picked up my bicycle helmet and my "equal-to-my-computer" beautiful bike, and rode east, with very little to no destination in mind. It was a great day to do this, no clouds, and it was always sunny.

The only two things that really bothered me were:
a) Knowing I'd have to (or that I would) deal with the virtual world when I came back and
b) The snow on the side of the road that made it difficult for me to have enough space to navigate with the car-people (very few truck-monsters, luckily)

Otherwise, I have NOTHING but positive things to say about my hour-and-a-half trip through east-of-this-house Toronto.

If you're curious, I made a very rough path on Google Maps of the trip that I made.


View Escape from Internet Failure in a larger map


Anyway. It's kind of really depressing that this blog entry was meant to illustrate how there are ways to escape/ignore/get rid of the grasp that the ever-advancing technological pollution has on our existence.


But this blog isn't solely for me, it's for you out there, whoever you are, and that's why I keep writing and that's why I keep existing.


I'm wearing my purple magician's sweater, so I thought I'd add even more multimedia to this post, and to wrap it up:

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull


 P.S. So I finally got a webcam after years and years of wanting one. I have this cognitive dissonant space in my head: On one hand, I want to share my ideas, but on the other, there's so much crap online already.
Oh well, I'll let some database engineer worry about it. :)

An ode to long hair

I once audited an English class at Dalhousie where the poet-teacher explained what an ode was. I don't really remember the definition, but who needs those anyway? Not on my blog.
---
Long hair, I miss thee
Why must you have been so cruelly cut away not by the greed, but by the need for
Recognition among those who so lovingly wanted thee to be someone shorter indeed

I miss your ends split among thieves, the girls who couldn't resist the urge to electrify
The ones who decrepify my fear of being too close, too near to the touch of another soul
And so why must I wait, so patiently and yet so carelessly, and yet...

You once represented my jealousy that I could perceive with too much clarity
I cut you off by the pressures of others who couldn't resist the urge to taunt me

We could have been together forever
You ruined it now
I hope you sleep and I know you've dreamt it
And when the memories bring back the emotional flood
Remember this:
This too, will pass.
---
Who knew my hair could have so much character?

An inventory of being right before insanity.

Unit 1 Lesson 5

Part A)

I am Gabriel.

I am 19 years old; never feel like I’m in the mould.

I live my life as simply as I can, but I can’t stay simple in this complex world.

I like computers; it’s a little too much sometimes, makes me feel like a robot.

I like a variety of foods, but the delicious scent of curry is what makes my mouth water.

My identity is in shambles, maybe that’s because my family is a little lost too.

I hope for better days to come ahead; fitting in with people just as lost as I am.

I try to listen to my own ideas, but too often they become clouded with others’.

I’m scared of losing myself in the big rat race.

As if I could ever find my way out of this maze; this life.

I’ve stopped watching TV, the shows can’t make me believe what I see.

Can’t handwrite too well, all topsy-turvy and mixed with crude capitals.

I don’t believe in God, but I do believe that the universe supports me.

Once I believed in free love, and grew my hair just like the hippies.

Cut my hair off, gave it to charity, made a cancer victim somewhere out there pretty happy.

Sometimes my brain gets ahead of me; can’t quite say out loud what I mean to say.

I’m sickened by the consumerist lifestyle; wish I could escape from this ailing society.

All these celebrities being praised for what they do.

When really I’m my own celebrity, consciously deciding what’s best for me and sometimes the people around me.

I avoid passing quick judgements about others, scared that they’ll do the same to me.

I might live off ramen noodles, but I try and stick to the fruits and veggies.

After all, being healthy is what life is all about.

If you can’t be healthy, you can’t function to your best ability in society.

At least that’s what my mother told me.

I am Gabriel, and this is 2010.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

I never finished my correspondence english course.

I thought it was stupid.

And it is.

Oh, and the 6th line from the bottom is almost wholly inaccurate for the sake of healthiness. Maybe it explains the title of this blog post.

Dear valentine

Dear blog,

What are you if not my valentine for the day? What am I to do, if not to propose to you that you be my valentine?

At the rocks at the Ravine this morning, I tried to find, but especially see something that might give me a meaning for today. It would have been nice to ask one of them to be my valentine, but the reciprocation wouldn't have been there, as they see so many people, teenager loiterers and dog walker extraordinaires; I don't think I could have stood out nearly as much as I think I should at a place like that.

Where am I to go to express my valentine's love on days where the formal worlds that I once used to go to are no longer there, too busy being taken up by new, uncanny visitors, some who, like me, tend to linger in places where they might find a glimmer of connection, a spark of faith in having people to share idea(l)s with.

Maybe commas and me should elope somewhere, they might give me better room to breathe.

Until then, won't someone adopt me and my hidden valentine? I can cook, clean (within limits), and entertain. Oh, and I'm pretty good at a variety of games, especially the video kind, and I like to learn about anything that has potential. Even philosophy. I couldn't be bothered to knit nor go alpine skiing, though.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

The truths of snow white sorrow

(((Edit: This is free writing, segment the second, but with a title)))

Dreams and the aspirations of things that float by/
I wish I had more craftily ideas of words to pick from I sometimes want to not go back in time but relive the moments of schooling in the past that I could have possibly excelled @/
had I been more trusting of the world that I find myself breathing in

And if my communicative writing style how does it happen that anticipating of beings in things in themselves continue to find ways to stop to not stop the flow of things; it's like trying to be something that isn't transcripted from my screened mind onto paper

I hate how giberjabberish is perceived as being flawed even by my self conscious perception of what is there to cee


Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

Bubbles and other domains

I had a thought instilled in me at one point, about people and their bubbles ; aka, their personal space. People, generally speaking, like having their own space that they can call their own. This space could be physical, mental, emotional, all of those words that end in al.


My biggest bubble used to be my computer and the connections that go through it, whether through games, communication, research, but I've come to realize that this bubble is so big, so massive, that I can't really find the edges of it; the ends of it. 


And so my bubble in the world that doesn't happen through the computer, that happens in my head and with the outside stimulus is... scary. I can share it sometimes, but there's always a fear that my bubble just isn't real(istic).


So I spend time travelling to other bubbles, hoping that they can accept me, but acceptance is hard to find.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

Preparation is sometimes so terrifying.

Ever notice that when you have things that you really want to do, you sometimes find yourself limiting your choices because you're afraid that things won't work out quite the way you want them to?

Happens to me a lot, and it's sometimes rather frightening. Setting barriers that interfere with goals (I really hate this word, it makes me feel so lost in the worlds that I chance upon).

An adventure in a wide open maze.

Today was a cold day to travel on, but I did it anyway. The lastminuteness of things really make me feel alive in a way, giving me reasons to do things as they happen instead of pondering all the time what could, what should, what might happen next; or what is. The idea(l)s that were shared between me and J were quite boisterous in their own right, things about the world that seem to others as simple and yet as so complicated as this sentence right here.

One thing that amazes me about malls is the emptiness that you can sort of feel when no one's around, as if everything is a sort of playground waiting to happen. And yet, the play that goes on during the day at this particular place is nothing short of an affront to mother earth, the amount of stuff that is just wasted everyday is really an absurdity, when so much more could be made available to such a populous people.

If people who aren't moulded by their sometimes too-specific worlds were more open to the idea that "younger" visions of things might be more mature for an aging world, we'd probably all be better off.

But hey, what do I know, I'm just someone with no formal credentials and no steady job.

Signed,

Karma etc. etc./Gabalazriel


P.S. If I won the lottery, I would build/find an environment to share the love.

Syncopated drama king.

It's as if I have no choice, but at the same time, I have all the possibilities available to me.
I made decisions in my head, but it seems like nothing ever comes out of my decisions. They just lie there like empty broken promises waiting to be fulfilled.
It seems like no one gives a damn, because I never get to see the fruits&vegetables of my mental labor. They all just float away to be "taken" by others. I feel like they're shared, but if they're not shared with me, then they're not truly shared.

I have a few theories I have, but even if I share them on here, there's always the fear of the greed of other entities stealing them, so I guess it's better for now if I just list them so that the people who might understand them can take their own interpretations out of them and hopefully do something more effective than I can, because I can't seem to do anything proper by myself.

Spectrum theory.
Others-fulfilling prophecy (to put it simply, the opposite of the self-fulfilling prophecy, in that things are affected to my "sense" of self by others, and not just by me).
Chocolate milk dispenser dispenses happiness and hope, except when people don't believe in the possibility of it existing. I know at least one person who believes in it, though, so I guess that's enough for now. It's the fountain of youth everyone talks about.

Otherwise, I could just tune into the autoinfomercials and by something that was proven clinically to reduce the appearance of battle scars.

Either way, I'm broke, and likely indebted. But in one paradigm, it's just a few dollars.

A few dollars can mean so much, sometimes.

Uh oh.

I'm filled with doubts in my head.
I must begin anew, from the pillars that strengthened me in the past.

Where did I all start this madness?
In Etobicoke first, then Mississauga.
I wonder, will UofT accept me there?
I hope so. I don't like being a reject.

Everyone knows the rejects go to the east side.

WEST. DIVISION. CHAMPIONS.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull

Politics.

Anyone remember Red vs Blue? It was a Machinima (it might still be going, not too sure) in the Halo universe. I had a few friends who were into it, I didn't find it particularly interesting. I was more into my own sort of machinima, making and filming my own videos in WoW (boy were they ever amateur...), and also idolizing other great videos. Maydie's videos were a great inspiration, as was World of Roguecraft. Drakedog was effing awesome.

I almost rolled a rogue when my warlock was level 60, back when warlocks really were at a disadvantage, and itemizing was... just plain horrible. I didn't care too much though, I was mostly in the game not as an escape, but because it was recommended to me. Maybe I played into it a little too much (a few of my friends thought it was "ruining my life"), but I feel like the raiding, grouping, questing and grinding and interface tweaking all gave me skills that put me where I am today.

Sure, I'm unemployed right now, not in school either, but I feel like I'm doing myself some good by doing various creative things here and there, playing sports (I'm a good badminton player). I have a lot of meaning in my life these days, I think, I just don't have much of the practical, applied side of it.

Back to the topic of the post:
Red vs Blue
Bell vs Rogers
Conservatives vs Liberals

Seriously, what the eff. All this country ever does in parliament (and I'm sure the politicians' twitter feeds would agree with this) is argue, argue, and debate. Oh yeah, people want change. Sorry to plug the U.S. here, but is Obama changing anything? Statistics might agree, but where's the love? I don't see it.

There's other political parties in Canada, but really, it's all black and gold to me.

Who really runs this country? Bell is doing great financially last I checked, Rogers insulted me (and lots of my friends) when they renamed the beautiful Skydome (where as a child, I was brought to see Nelson Mandela speak, though I don't remember what he said; I'm sure it was legitimately inspiring) to the ugly, ugly Rogers Centre. At least they kept the spelling of centre Canadian.

From what I remember though, whoever owned the Skydome was financially troubled and had to sell out. Oh well.

I really think I could do good things here in Canada, but I'd rather pull an Ignatieff and go elsewhere to get the hell out of here. Like I've mentioned before, I've never been out of Canada. I've wanted to, and when I was younger, I've asked my parents to, but now, at 20 years old, it's time I distance myself from them. They don't get me. Duh.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh, I want to be your gamer guyyyyy.


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Lathargic Yamen Plutomium Soliloquy Yoda Catalyst Heathen Erstwhile Déjà vu Elipse Idealic Catastrophic


P.S. Kyle's pretty good at liek filming and stuff. It was great seeing Jeremy and... I forget her name, but she was there too, and getting your autographs at the Fan Expo. Where was Doug though?
I still have your autographs in the CD case that I lent out to a few different people. I think it's back at my place though, but I really can't be bothered to find it
ALRIGHT I'M GONNA GO GET 0WNED BY EXPERTS AT MW2 NOW, PEACE.

Sick and tired.

I have different "resonations" in my head, I don't know if I can call them memories of people in the past that I've loved, or that I might have liked, or that maybe cared about me. I sometimes feel like I can communicate with these people.

They're not voices, I don't hear voices in my head.

They're also ideas that I have about how to behave in the world that usually help me out. I think the word I'm looking for is "consciousness". I feel like I have a hyper-sensitive consciousness, as in I'm able to feel things that maybe others might not. C'est comme si je suis capable de ressentir des choses à un niveau dont lequel d'autre gens ne sont pas capable. Des fois ça me rend fou, mais je suis capable de me ramener à une normalité qui fait que je ne me fais pas dominer par toutes ces idées. Le yoga, la philosophie, la danse, les jeux vidéos, les sorties avec les amis, les chansons que je chante, les voyages que je fait, all these things help me deal with this strangeness that's in my head.

Psychiatrists, psychologists, experts etc. have all tried to categorize me into certain domains to try and "treat" me, but really it doesn't amount to much in the end.

Seems like no one can really truly understand me, everyone's too effing busy with their lives to be able to care about mine, unless they're instructed to do so, or they have a reason to, which usually, they can't find on their own.

Call me a selfish, attention-seeking-influenced-influencing whore.
I need a lover I have to love with comfort.
Eff.

Edit 2011/12/10
Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull

/University+-College)(

I have way too many options, but I've narrowed some things down.

I'm not leaving Canada for post-secondary studies... yet.
Not Ryerson.
York sounds friendly and I love commuting. Might grow to hate it, though. Glendon sounds incredible.
UofT(St. George Campus) would be perfect, but my parents will drive me mad.
UBC would be a blast, but Vancouver would lure me too much.
I love Dalhousie.
I don't know enough about King's College.
UNBC seems so far away.
OCAD, I love you, and I need you.
UofA would be... interesting.
I could go up north, but my hair would suffer.
George Brown, I miss you already.
Western's just not for me, too many creepers there apparently, but Deadmau5 played there so he might play again.
UVic, you're so romantic, I'd probably go insane.


WSID?
Should I wait another year, with one Fan Expo to rule them all?
Or should I throw down another few hundred dollars for applications, again.
Or do nothing at all.
GOOD THING I SAVED POLLING THE AUDIENCE, REGIS.

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR LKmDHAGLHGLq;HELFE HELP ME PICK.
Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodine Darwin Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citron Ophilia Philharmonic Eyeless.

I just invented a joke

A neuroscientist, an observer, and a philosopher walk into a bar.
The philosopher asks "What is love"?, to which the neuroscientist says "Baby don't hurt me!"
The observer, being naturally observant, yells out "NO MORE!".

Little do they know that there's a copywriter lurking in the corner...

Edit 03/2014: I have NO clue what the hell this is, lol.


Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyefull
Lathargic Yamen Plutomium Soliloquy Yoda Catalyst Heathen Erstwhile Déjà vu Elipse Idealic Catastrophic

Sweet 160 (158 w/o rough drafts)

Un de mes premier souvenirs avec ma soeur, c'était quand j'avais environ 7 ans. Cette journée-là, j'étais allé au dentiste, et j'avais été demandé si je grinçait (ou claquait?) des dents pendant que je dormait. Vraiment, j'en ai aucune idée, et je ne pensais pas que je le faisais. Mais comme ma soeur et moi dormions dans la même chambre, peut être qu'elle l'aurait sû.

Je lui ai demandé, et je ne me rappelle plus de sa réponse.

What was more important for me was telling her a prophecy that I had, in this one dream I have.

Not to be a pokemon master and to collect them all, but rather that there was a planet somewhere, somehow, where I could train some Pokémon, have a blast with Digimon, become a true fighter like in DBZ, and be a great duelist in the Yu-Gi-Oh card game. I think there was a fifth dimension that I wanted to share at the time, but I forget what it was now. It probably had some dragons, though.

Never let go of dreams, but you're allowed to push/pull them wherever for a while.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyefull
Lathargic Yamen Plutomium Soliloquy Yoda Catalyst Heathen Erstwhile Déjà vu Elipse Idealic Catastrophic

Dark to light, light to tark, dark to lite.

I hear people speak about darkness.
I hear Nietzche talk about the abyss.
My inner resonators gain and lose control depending on my inner responses to things, and I know of only two ways to modulate them, two things that will always be with me wherever I go, two passionate emotions, and yet, so devoid of meaning sometimes that I wonder if I really am just overreacting, or underreacting, or even reacting at all.
The dark and light expand like an abstractious dance of hope and death that don't seem to want to stop too much. If I wish them away, they stare at me from beyond... just, beyond.

My inner and outer promises keep on accumulating, and I can't seem to find much subtraction anywhere. My subtractions are people that I absolutely adore that avoid me, perhaps subconsciously, but with hidden purpose. Those that I try to keep away only manage to make me feel horrible about myself, so much that I have no choice but to stay put and wait, wait forever, wait for my own truths to shine.

But a star can't shine without at least another light source, otherwise what is shine?

How do I divide by i?

-Kaleidoscope

Brute force.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to brute force through my Songbird library, but it should be better in the end. Let's hope backup systems are running okay.

Objectif: Islande!

Destination: Iceland!

Iceland when will I get to you?!

Who knows, I hope it's serendipidous!

In more calming news, I've been coming up with quotes lately. Thoughts that are formulated into quotes, and my quote-pseudonym is called Gabalazriel.


The inherent problem with quotes is that, because they're usually short (the kind of quotes I'm talking about, anyway), there's a likely chance that someone's already come up with something like it already, somewhere, maybe in some other language.

I take the sum of all my knowledge and apply it to a few words that I connect together. Could I be accused of plagiarism for that? I don't think so. Pretty much everyone borrows ideas from everything. I can understand why there's a need for "intellectual honesty" in a commonly accepted reality i.e. an academic setting where there's an exchange happening between different people(s), though, otherwise the people who are set in their way to consciously steal ideas from other people for "profit" get way too much power.

The Medium is the message, but the happy medium is the messenger. -Gabalazriel



Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally EyeFUL

Il me semble.

Que mon "papa" va lire toutes les choses qu'il lui sont donne, mais ne veux rien savoir de mon monde. C'est triste.

A switch in a writing topic.

It might sound just two sided (I have that fear anyway and believe me, I really hate that categorization, I hate choosing sides in life), but I've decided that I can write in a more close-minded manner, instead of always having my head up in the clouds and having broad, not-too-concrete posts about my thoughts on things.

Doing some dancing in the kitchen, trying to escape the horrifying, engulfing (but somehow manageable) feeling caused by unfair restrictions imposed upon me by the family that I currently live with, I come to realize something that finally helps express the creativity that I cannot seem (or want) to stop flowing. It's something I used to do as a child, and it's nice to be able to explore aspects of me that have for so long been shadowed by my brain.

A good dance (altogether depending on what environment I'm in) is expressing the thoughts that circulate through my being in a manner that is convincing and expresses that energy, all the while maintaining a respectable sense of what the observers (if any) might like to see.
This creates a sort of loop where the observer influences the movement of my body, and I respond to it by continuing... with dancing!

But the prime mover should always be the dancer when he/she/it is dancing, the influence should be shared, yes, but with most of the control from the dancer.

There are times where I would love to just lose that control though, but with fear of repercussions, it's so difficult to get over.

Am I human, or are we dancers?

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyeless

Beware of the bandwagon.

For it lures even the most -innocent- of victims...

Life is bliss.

And life is beautiful. Never let anyone convince you otherwise.

Signed,
The Audience.

Having a blast.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life.
This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

If you must know, I'm having a blast in Halifax. At first I stayed at my friend E's place, but now I'm living in a closet not unlike Harry Potter's indefinetly. I'm also looking for a job, for reals, because I literally have about 4 dollars of spending money on me. I'm broke. But it's not bad at all, D and his roommates are really awesome people.

It feels like i'm in Katimavik all over again, it's a sweet life.

I don't know when I'll come back to Toronto.

Edit 2011/03/18: Edited for simple privacy. :]

Gone.

Bus ticket's booked (30 dollars), train ticket's booked (free!), godmother is alerted that I'll be in Montreal, Myriam knows I'll be in Quebec, and Evan knows I'll be in Halifax.

Here's a little link of the train ride I'll be taking, check it out. It'll take just under 24 hours. http://bit.ly/cjiSrY

I have some supplies (mainly protein, food, vitamins and water) for when I want to get back home from Halifax. I also have some Melatonin for the jet lag and if I have trouble falling asleep, which I usually do when I'm travelling.

I bought a cheap disposable camera, but if I can find my camera charger, I'll have a digital camera as well.

I intend to make the cheap camera last a while.

I'm hitchhiking back from Halifax, that's going to be fun, I really don't know what I'm getting into though.

I don't have much money, but I've always lived very cheaply anyway.

Bon voyage!

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodine Darwin Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citron Ophilia Philharmonic Eyeless

Snap.

I can't take it anymore. I'm so fucking pissed because of my parents, I'm leaving.

I'm not sure if I should bring a tent, I'd probably need a sleeping bag if I want to camp, and that's a lot of shit to carry on.

I'm buying a ticket for Montreal (under 20 bucks!), maybe I'll see Bibi, then I'm heading to Quebec to see Myriam, then I'm heading to Halifax to see a bunch of people. Then I'm heading back west, going to London, ON to see Deadmau5 at a Western concert (that might be later, I'm not sure yet) and staying with my billet family in Strathroy.

So long, I probably won't update for a while.

Miracle

I like this song.

Hopelandic.

Hello.

This song makes me cry.

Everytime.

Without fail.

It's the very last song I heard before I went insane.

I love it so much.

If I ever become suicidal, this song is what will save me.

Tin foil hat.

Alright alright, I'll take off my tinfoil hat for a while, sheesh.

Someone asked for life updates... well...
Currently I am dressed like a ninja in full atire, I have a plush Noctowl and a big pokemon poster beside me.

Is it illegal to walk around outside without showing any skin? Like you could conceal weapons and shiz, I don't know.

On second thought, I don't think it is. I was taking one of my cats to the vet today and on the way there, there was this dude in a full black spandex-like... thing that covered his whole body, even his face, and he was wearing nothing else. I was incredibly confused.

But I guess if people saw me going down the street at this time with the way I'm dressed, they'd be asking question too.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodine Darwin Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citron Ophilia Philharmonic Eyeless

Too far, too far...

Didn't believe me when I wrote that Facebook was going too far?

Take it in.

Also, look at the video if you're interested, but for the love of God, don't "Like" it on Facebook or I will murder you.



Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodine Darwin Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citron Ophilia Philharmonic Eyeless

Fuck you, capitalism. Fuck you, Facebook.

I'm really angry right now. Really really really angry at the world and what it's become. It's as if for 19 years I was oblivious to so many disturbing things. Or maybe I noticed them but just didn't care.

Get ready, this is going to be a long one, there's a lot of little details.

Okay. There are so many fucking sheep people in the world, I don't understand. I DON'T understand how people can be so dumb, so ignorant. Is it better to live in ignorance? IS IT? NO. YOU ARE WEAK. YOU ARE WEAK IF YOU LIVE IN IGNORANCE.
I'm not claiming to be superior in any way, I just want to point out so many things that make me sick to my stomach.

Number one.

Facebook.
Facebook itself isn't bad. It's a good concept, and you'd expect something like it to pop out considering today's level of technology.
What's bad is what it's become.
There are so many horrible, borderline unethical things that occur on Facebook everyday, it makes me almost want to throw up, as I am repulsed by how much power corporations have in today's world.
It's easy to pinpoint one of the worst aspects of Facebook: The "Like" button.

At first glance, you think "Oh, okay, so if I "Like" something, it's like I get to be some sort of online groupie for whatever I like!". Harmless, right? Wrong.

Just like real classic groupies who eventually get fucked over with cocaine and heroin, your typical online Facebook "Liker" groupie slowly sinks into a deep, deep marketing trap.

Let's take a concrete example here, something that really pissed me off today. Hang on, this might take a little while to explain, you'll see the connection with Facebook in the end.

I was bored, there's this guy on youtube who's pretty amusing, so I figured I'd watch one of his videos. (Don't even get me started on vloggers with shitty cameras and terrible camera personality on youtube who spam people to subsc- okay I'll stop there). Edit 2011/02/27: I have nothing against these people, I'm pretty much one of them, as I've just bought my own shitty camera and I will probably start making shitty vlogs with it soon. But it's for friendships!

So I click on the video. Loading... loading... great it's done loading! Wait, what? What the hell? I can't move the slider, it's grey! WHAT? Who's that voice?! That's not Ray William Johnson's voice!

COME TO SWISS CHALET TODAY AND TRY OUT OUR FRESH ROTISSERIE CHICKEN!

That's what the voice started to say. Apparently, the volume control was messed up too because I couldn't turn it down. WTF. So I just buffered, get this, not the video I wanted to watch, but a stupid ad for a piece of shit "restaurant" that serves chickens that have led an incredibly inhumane life, pumped with antibiotics and locked inside cubicles that can barely hold them. Whoa whoa, Gabe, don't get into that either, let PETA take care of it. Wise advice my subconscious tells me, I should listen to it, because I will go insane if I start examining everything that makes this world stink.

See, what annoys me with this video thing is that I just wasted some of my precious internet bandwidth to watch an ad. Essentially, I'm paying to see something that will encourage me to pay a corporation some money for food that isn't even healthy, despite all the bullshit they try to feed you (pun intended) about how "fresh" it is. Okay, admittedly, a 15 sec ad on youtube isn't going to make me go over my bandwidth limit, but it's obviously all about the principle here.

Alright, it gets worse. At the end of the ad, it doesn't say "Call us to order delivery today!". Now I don't know about you, but back in the day, that's what you did, you called a place and they delivered food to you. Usually pizza. But this time, they don't want you to call. Well, I lied, of course they want you to call and order, but they're not emphasizing the calling part.  Believe me, their number was there during the whole ad, but at the end, what you get is this giant blue F that pops up, all flashy and shit, and that fucking generic male commercial voice saying something like:

Become a fan of Swiss Chalet on Facebook! Tell us why you enjoy Swiss Chalet for a chance to win free Swiss Chalet delivered to your door for you and up to 10 friends!

They don't even bother mentioning their website anymore, they just want you to go to their beautiful little corporate Facebook page and "Like" Swiss Chalet. Once you "Like" it, you gain access to the contest, where you can write your bullshit story about why you'd want to eat their crap for free.

See, but they don't give a fuck about your lame story about how you just graduated from high school and you would just love to have a party with 10 of your friends to celebrate, by eating slow poison that's delivered right to your door!

No, what they're after is something called SNP. The more SNP, the better. What is SNP, you might ask? Well, if you were taking any current Marketing courses at college or university, you would know. But I'll safely assume you don't have a marketing degree, because then you wouldn't be my friend and thus wouldn't be reading this. SNP stands for Social Network Potential. Basically, there's this system, pretty complicated, full of algorithms, that can calculate each person's SNP, and then organizes it in a nice list. Those with higher SNP are at the top.

Having high SNP means that you have a lot of influence in your social circles on the intarwebz, or that you are pretty popular. For example, pretend person X writes various Facebook statuses, and every time X posts a status, there's a bunch of people who always "Like" it. Or they comment on it. That right there is having influence. Person Y never has anyone around them, they write statuses, but no one ever notices. Well, person Y will have less SNP than person X. Capiche? Here's the definition on Wikipedia if you still don't understand:

Social Networking Potential (SNP) is a numeric coefficient, derived through algorithms to represent both the size of an individual's social network and their ability to influence that network.

Okay. Back on track. Swiss Chalet is after your SNP. You know what happens when you click that "Like" button? It's like that red button, you know the one that you're never supposed to push, 'cause nuclear weapons are going to fall and destroy earth. Except it's a lot more subtle. There's no explosion. Nope, all that happens is that suddenly, every single fucking person on your Facebook is now aware that you "Like" Swiss Chalet, because that pops up on everyones News Feed. And that's just perfect. Bingo. They've got you.

Now, you're basically an employee for Swiss Chalet's Marketing Team. You're advertising Swiss Chalet to everyone on your Facebook, and it's the best kind of advertising, because it's more personal, it's person-to-person, almost like word of mouth (which any Marketer will know has always been the gold standard in achieving good advertising results). It's not corporation-to-person, which is a lot less efficient, because you're on your guard already, you know you're watching an ad, and part of your brain realizes that and shuts off. Of course that doesn't matter, because advertising is about repetition.

I know, some people don't care what information they share on Facebook, they just want to win the frigging dinner because, well, it's free food. I don't blame them. But it's tainted food, tainted with the horrible stench of corporate malevolence. So many people who go online are ignorant. I don't mean to be ageist, but think of all those seniors who joined Facebook so they could add their grandchildren and keep in touch with them (which is just adorable, right?) that are now being exploited by corporations who see money in infiltrating peoples social circles.

One last thing about SNP. People who are high on these SNP lists are being watched by marketing departments everywhere. They're being monitored because they're incredibly valuable to whatever company is interested in this viral marketing. It's very cost effective to suggest to a person on an SNP to promote a product. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that people with high SNP are actually getting paid to stealth promote a product.

What the hell happened during 2000-2010? The world evolved at an incredibly fast pace, except it wasn't so much in the physical realm as it was online. The net boom. Everything we do now is all linked to the internet. There is so much information being created and shared online, so much communication, I would not be surprised to learn that the average north american spends more time communicating on various forms of media online, or on a cellphone, than they do in person. If you want to take a look at how much life I've created online, it's actually quite interesting, just google "Kaleidoughscope" and you'll see the massive trail of information I've left behind for marketing hound dogs to pilfer through.

We're around machines more than people. I haven't quite painted a dystopia for you yet of what I think will happen in the future, but expect to see a future blog post describing it, based on some of the information I've provided for you here.

Okay, there's a lot more to this, I've only grazed the surface. But I think I've made one of my most important points clear.

So I ask you: Are you ignorant like the rest of them? Or will you choose to stay Above The Ignorance and live a more genuine life. I know what I pick. BEP said it best: If you never know truth, then you never know love.

2010
© Gabriel Gervais-Houle

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodine Darwin Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citron Ophilia Philharmonic Eyeless

Escape.

I could come out and say some really generic statement/question like "Why do humans feel the need to escape their lives all the time, with alcohol and drugs?" but it would contain a false premise, that is, that -all- humans feel the need to escape their lives with various substances and various rituals. There are some people who feel no need at all to escape anything. I'm not talking about stuck-up government-propaganda-fed straight edgers who think they're being all righteous by supporting a bill that might lock up that small time weed dealer for 10 years because he dared to grow a plant that grows in the wild anyway for his own gain.

No, I'm talking about those people that have an aura. You can't see it, but you can feel it. I think I've seen auras before, but I can't be sure, it's more a fleeting vision. Anyway, these people with these auras (a special kind), they don't need to escape anything, because they're perfectly comfortable being who they are. I was talking to a friend about this today, and another way of looking at these people is to consider the three-part model of your typical human being. Body, mind, and spirit. Well, those people have a near perfect balance of all three. A lot of people in the world are lacking in one, two, or all three of those areas. As a sort of aside, I believe that it's the differences in levels of these three pillars of human existence that make individuals, individuals. If everyone had the exact same blend of body, mind and spirit, we'd all be identical entities.

At first glance, you think "Oh people are drinking, they want to have a good time!". But does it necessarily follow that to have a good time, you need to have alcohol? "No stupid, it just makes things better, why not?".

Drug addicts often have feelings of grandiosity, to hide the feelings of low-self esteem associated with addiction. (Warning: Generic statement inc.) But don't we all search for that feeling of grandiosity? Human beings crave recognition. They crave being acknowledged. It's easy to see, anywhere you go, but the easiest place to observe such behaviour is at a club. That hot chick's checking you out. Your body is conditioned to react to that. You might start to sweat a little, heart beats faster, mind races. All from a look.

I think that some drugs mimic this mechanism of action in your body. Instead of looking into that pretty chick's eyes, you're looking into Mary Jane's. And instead of being recognized by another entity, you're recognizing yourself more. A lot of drugs allow you to discover what's locked away deep inside your brain, it unlocks secrets and ideas that you never knew you had.

Me? I have a strange escape. Well, it's not that strange, it's a same escape for a lot of people too.
I didn't realize I did it until recently, when I understood what changes in my psychological state this escape was giving me.
Video games.
Yup. Video games.
I feel stressed out, I feel like the world is spinning, I feel like shit, I feel like the world is going to die anyway so who gives a shit, I turn on my computer and load up a game in my collection.

The effect is instantaneous.

It calms all the racing thoughts way the fuck down. You start to forget. You start to get involved in your own little controllable world, and slowly, the feelings, the aching brain, the tormented heart, they all melt away, and the soothing glow of the computer screen dulls your brain into a lower state of consciousness, or at least a different state.

It's not good in times of crisis though.

If you ever get depersonalized, dip your hands in icy water.

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I keep dreaming I have it all.

Did you know your brain produces massive amounts of Dimethyltryptamine (DMT) when you're dreaming, and just before you die? It explains that "I saw my life flash before my eyes" effect that some people experience.

DMT is the most powerful hallucinogen known to man, and your body produces it. It's also pretty damn illegal, but you can harvest it from grass if you want. It's in most living things.

Every night when (if) you go to sleep, you're basically having a psychoactive trip. Of course, no one understands why you have these trips, but we know that if you don't get them you go completely insane.

Some researchers think it might hold a clue to human existence, since it's so intrinsically linked with our own existence, and they've nicknamed it the "spirit" molecule.

I think that no matter how many barrage of tests and scientific inquiries they make on Dimethyltryptamine, they won't figure out its true mechanism of action. By observing this spirit molecule, you're influencing it. The observer changes the observed, there's no way around it, and that's one of the pillars of quantum mechanics. That's going to skew the results. I don't know, I'm not a scientific, far from it. But I hate how in today's modern world everything is science-based, there's no room for mysticism, or anything but the cold hard physical realm. And that's a shame, because the metaphysical realm is damned interesting.

---

There's this girl I like, but we have a strange relationship, almost movie-worthy. I like her, but she knows how to push my buttons, way too well. It's torture. I can't tell if it's a game to her or if she's serious. I would accept defeat if it is a game, but I'm not sure.

I think it qualifies as a love/hate relationship. I don't have many of those. Usually you like someone or you don't, it doesn't oscillate between two poles like that. But in this case it does.

You know what's cool? Look up "oscillating solutions" on youtube, it's pretty trippy.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodine Darwin Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citron Ophilia Philharmonic Eyeless

Give me a second go.

She's like a female Owl City.
She has a really pretty voice.


Give me a second go,
Dont let me go alone
You saw me at the worst,
You caught me falling first
All I wanted to know,
Give me a second go

Regression

Close your eyes and begin to relax. Take a deep breath and let it out, slowly. Concentrate on your breathing. With each breath you become more relaxed. Imagine a brilliant white light above you, focusing on this light as it flows through your body.

Allow yourself to drift off as you fall deeper and deeper into a more relaxed state of mind. Now as I count backward from ten to one, you will feel more peaceful and calm. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. You will enter a safe place where nothing can harm you. Five. Four. Three. Two.

If at any time you need to come back, all you must do is open your eyes. One.

Safe in the light that surrounds me

Free of the fear and the pain

My subconscious mind

Starts spinning through time

To rejoin the past once again

Nothing seems real

I'm starting to feel

Lost in the haze of a dream

And as I draw near

The scene becomes clear

Like watching my life on a screen

Hello M....m so glad to see you

My friend


Edit 2011/03/04: This is essentially Regression by Dream Theater, on Scenes from a Memory, one of my favourite concept albums.

Edit: 2017/05/24 Privacy checkup. Made by a human. Just being clear, lol.

The Night Starts Here

Cool weekend huh?

Four cases of 24 for five people, not bad.

It was cool, we got to the site at around 10:00, but we still had to load canoes and paddle to the cottage. We got inside the chalet and it was so wicked. Tons of room, super comfy couches and a great sound system.

Memorable moments include loading our stuff and watching it float away on a canoe, motorboating, climbing, getting wasted in the chalet, chicken wings, space brownies and B, after a ridiculous maneuver involving an axe, smashing his bong.

Can't wait to go again.

Until then, I have a couple things occupying my mind. I'm planning a bike trip to Ottawa, with tents and shiz, with some friends. Sweeeeeet.

I have a lot of gum...

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What you so despise.

I bought dis thing, it's called an iPod Touch and it does a bunch of stuff rite.

I'mma need all yall numbers so I can totally liek text and stuff. 'cause you know, there's an app for that, I don't even need to pay for a plan as long as I'm in a wifi zone.

I like telling this one to people:
I'm walking on Bloor street (I'm there often) and there's this Fish & Chips place called Chippy's. And they have one of those stand-up signs outside their little crib. And every day there are different fish puns written on it. A couple weeks ago, someone had drawn a fish dressed as Lady Gaga and the caption said "Cod in a Bad Romance". I lol'ed, went in, and ordered cod and told them that I only came in because of their sign. They're pretty proud of their sign, and apparently they have this in-house competition to come up with the best puns.

NO, I DON'T WANNA BE FRIIIIEEEEEENDSSSSSS
COD IN A BAD ROMANCE

Last edited 15-04-2019: Improved grammar; added clarity.

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