Sad & happy 1

Sometimes it's nice to be able to simplify things into black and white. Simplified does not necessarily equal "not intricate".

in·tri·cate

[in-tri-kit]

–adjective

1.

having many interrelated parts or facets; entangled or involved: an intricate maze.

Things that make me feel sad

• Losing a team game (video or otherwise) because someone didn't care enough about the game and/or gave up because it seemed impossible to win
• Having amazing adventurous ideas but no one ever having the time to do them with me
• Being afraid to mention said ideas among friends, especially acquaintances
• People wanting to hang out with me but end up forgetting to because of constraints (mental, societal etc.)
• Hearing and witnessing the cats of the house scream when they're playfighting
• Spending the day wandering the city looking for glimpses of love, hope, and happiness in public and not seeing it
• People hating on other people because of the way they choose to spend their time
• Talking about something that interests me to a group of people and having them get disinterested because I can't articulate what I want to say, or the idea in my head is confusing and I need more time to explain
• Not seeing the possibility of having someone call or write to tell me about their problems and stories
• Songbird (music player) playing tunes that I'm not feeling at the time that I hear them

Things that make me feel happy

• Someone complimenting my wealth of knowledge
• Playing a game I'm somewhat good at with friends of my generation
• Learning games in a non-time dependent setting
• Getting the wanderer's high (similar to the runner's high)
• Being able to lock eyes with someone I trust and them being able to sustain the gaze
• Coloured duct tape
• Being able to sing without worry
• Re-discovering my Yu-gi-oh cards
• Being around people who don't generalize the effects of marijuana
• Being around people who are drinking
• Being around people who don't feel the want to drink
• Finding connections with people I never knew I had
• Discovering someone's philosophy of life in a one-on-one setting
• Finding (old) presents friends gave me, especially when the presents are unintentional, but also things that I can tell had some amount of time put into them, without feeling like money came into play significantly
• My purple ink pen

There are way better examples than the ones I've listed here; I'm not that boring. I just can't think of anything right now and I just felt like writing random things down. I better post this now before I feel like re-inventing all those point forms.

I am right-hearted.

P.S. If you can relate to ANY of the points I just listed, please love a comment! If you feel you can't relate to ANY of the points I just listed, please leave a comment! :)

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull

A little virtual green.

I will always love and respect Greenpeace, they make sense to me pretty much always.

The grasp of the virtual.

Year after year, the virtual world becomes more and more... developed, and complicated, and brilliant new ideas spring up, and more information becomes available to more people.

How will we survive?

I have optimism - the human soul can overcome all these challenges that the brain is faced with, barricades and flows of data, of sensory input. The overload of information that we are faced with, the myriad of mental dysfunctions that the psyche-actresses (I really love this word that I've transmogrified) have to deal with every day.


I think the human essence/the human soul aren't really related to sensory information, there's a distinction there. You can -feel- alive, but is that -feeling- a sense? A sense of being alive? Can you sense your existence in much the same way that you can feel picking up a piece of paper and taking a pen to write something down?

To put things into perspective: Today, after waking up and noticing that AGAIN my beautiful and yet irritating computer had decided not to make the connection to the internet, I spent a couple hours just trying to get a permanent fix so that I never have to wait for my internet connection to reconnect when I reboot/sleep my computer.

And I couldn't connect to the internet, it sucked, I wanted to check my e-mail (and maybe Facebook, I admit), and just be assured that I could contact people if perchance someone finally invited me to go somewhere (out of this place).

So in frustration, I made a wise choice and picked up my bicycle helmet and my "equal-to-my-computer" beautiful bike, and rode east, with very little to no destination in mind. It was a great day to do this, no clouds, and it was always sunny.

The only two things that really bothered me were:
a) Knowing I'd have to (or that I would) deal with the virtual world when I came back and
b) The snow on the side of the road that made it difficult for me to have enough space to navigate with the car-people (very few truck-monsters, luckily)

Otherwise, I have NOTHING but positive things to say about my hour-and-a-half trip through east-of-this-house Toronto.

If you're curious, I made a very rough path on Google Maps of the trip that I made.


View Escape from Internet Failure in a larger map


Anyway. It's kind of really depressing that this blog entry was meant to illustrate how there are ways to escape/ignore/get rid of the grasp that the ever-advancing technological pollution has on our existence.


But this blog isn't solely for me, it's for you out there, whoever you are, and that's why I keep writing and that's why I keep existing.


I'm wearing my purple magician's sweater, so I thought I'd add even more multimedia to this post, and to wrap it up:

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull


 P.S. So I finally got a webcam after years and years of wanting one. I have this cognitive dissonant space in my head: On one hand, I want to share my ideas, but on the other, there's so much crap online already.
Oh well, I'll let some database engineer worry about it. :)

An ode to long hair

I once audited an English class at Dalhousie where the poet-teacher explained what an ode was. I don't really remember the definition, but who needs those anyway? Not on my blog.
---
Long hair, I miss thee
Why must you have been so cruelly cut away not by the greed, but by the need for
Recognition among those who so lovingly wanted thee to be someone shorter indeed

I miss your ends split among thieves, the girls who couldn't resist the urge to electrify
The ones who decrepify my fear of being too close, too near to the touch of another soul
And so why must I wait, so patiently and yet so carelessly, and yet...

You once represented my jealousy that I could perceive with too much clarity
I cut you off by the pressures of others who couldn't resist the urge to taunt me

We could have been together forever
You ruined it now
I hope you sleep and I know you've dreamt it
And when the memories bring back the emotional flood
Remember this:
This too, will pass.
---
Who knew my hair could have so much character?

An inventory of being right before insanity.

Unit 1 Lesson 5

Part A)

I am Gabriel.

I am 19 years old; never feel like I’m in the mould.

I live my life as simply as I can, but I can’t stay simple in this complex world.

I like computers; it’s a little too much sometimes, makes me feel like a robot.

I like a variety of foods, but the delicious scent of curry is what makes my mouth water.

My identity is in shambles, maybe that’s because my family is a little lost too.

I hope for better days to come ahead; fitting in with people just as lost as I am.

I try to listen to my own ideas, but too often they become clouded with others’.

I’m scared of losing myself in the big rat race.

As if I could ever find my way out of this maze; this life.

I’ve stopped watching TV, the shows can’t make me believe what I see.

Can’t handwrite too well, all topsy-turvy and mixed with crude capitals.

I don’t believe in God, but I do believe that the universe supports me.

Once I believed in free love, and grew my hair just like the hippies.

Cut my hair off, gave it to charity, made a cancer victim somewhere out there pretty happy.

Sometimes my brain gets ahead of me; can’t quite say out loud what I mean to say.

I’m sickened by the consumerist lifestyle; wish I could escape from this ailing society.

All these celebrities being praised for what they do.

When really I’m my own celebrity, consciously deciding what’s best for me and sometimes the people around me.

I avoid passing quick judgements about others, scared that they’ll do the same to me.

I might live off ramen noodles, but I try and stick to the fruits and veggies.

After all, being healthy is what life is all about.

If you can’t be healthy, you can’t function to your best ability in society.

At least that’s what my mother told me.

I am Gabriel, and this is 2010.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

I never finished my correspondence english course.

I thought it was stupid.

And it is.

Oh, and the 6th line from the bottom is almost wholly inaccurate for the sake of healthiness. Maybe it explains the title of this blog post.

Dear valentine

Dear blog,

What are you if not my valentine for the day? What am I to do, if not to propose to you that you be my valentine?

At the rocks at the Ravine this morning, I tried to find, but especially see something that might give me a meaning for today. It would have been nice to ask one of them to be my valentine, but the reciprocation wouldn't have been there, as they see so many people, teenager loiterers and dog walker extraordinaires; I don't think I could have stood out nearly as much as I think I should at a place like that.

Where am I to go to express my valentine's love on days where the formal worlds that I once used to go to are no longer there, too busy being taken up by new, uncanny visitors, some who, like me, tend to linger in places where they might find a glimmer of connection, a spark of faith in having people to share idea(l)s with.

Maybe commas and me should elope somewhere, they might give me better room to breathe.

Until then, won't someone adopt me and my hidden valentine? I can cook, clean (within limits), and entertain. Oh, and I'm pretty good at a variety of games, especially the video kind, and I like to learn about anything that has potential. Even philosophy. I couldn't be bothered to knit nor go alpine skiing, though.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

The truths of snow white sorrow

(((Edit: This is free writing, segment the second, but with a title)))

Dreams and the aspirations of things that float by/
I wish I had more craftily ideas of words to pick from I sometimes want to not go back in time but relive the moments of schooling in the past that I could have possibly excelled @/
had I been more trusting of the world that I find myself breathing in

And if my communicative writing style how does it happen that anticipating of beings in things in themselves continue to find ways to stop to not stop the flow of things; it's like trying to be something that isn't transcripted from my screened mind onto paper

I hate how giberjabberish is perceived as being flawed even by my self conscious perception of what is there to cee


Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

Bubbles and other domains

I had a thought instilled in me at one point, about people and their bubbles ; aka, their personal space. People, generally speaking, like having their own space that they can call their own. This space could be physical, mental, emotional, all of those words that end in al.


My biggest bubble used to be my computer and the connections that go through it, whether through games, communication, research, but I've come to realize that this bubble is so big, so massive, that I can't really find the edges of it; the ends of it. 


And so my bubble in the world that doesn't happen through the computer, that happens in my head and with the outside stimulus is... scary. I can share it sometimes, but there's always a fear that my bubble just isn't real(istic).


So I spend time travelling to other bubbles, hoping that they can accept me, but acceptance is hard to find.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Darwyn Overcast Unlamine Grievous Hawt Spectroom Caraoke Overwhelming Parlamore Everdrawn

Preparation is sometimes so terrifying.

Ever notice that when you have things that you really want to do, you sometimes find yourself limiting your choices because you're afraid that things won't work out quite the way you want them to?

Happens to me a lot, and it's sometimes rather frightening. Setting barriers that interfere with goals (I really hate this word, it makes me feel so lost in the worlds that I chance upon).

An adventure in a wide open maze.

Today was a cold day to travel on, but I did it anyway. The lastminuteness of things really make me feel alive in a way, giving me reasons to do things as they happen instead of pondering all the time what could, what should, what might happen next; or what is. The idea(l)s that were shared between me and J were quite boisterous in their own right, things about the world that seem to others as simple and yet as so complicated as this sentence right here.

One thing that amazes me about malls is the emptiness that you can sort of feel when no one's around, as if everything is a sort of playground waiting to happen. And yet, the play that goes on during the day at this particular place is nothing short of an affront to mother earth, the amount of stuff that is just wasted everyday is really an absurdity, when so much more could be made available to such a populous people.

If people who aren't moulded by their sometimes too-specific worlds were more open to the idea that "younger" visions of things might be more mature for an aging world, we'd probably all be better off.

But hey, what do I know, I'm just someone with no formal credentials and no steady job.

Signed,

Karma etc. etc./Gabalazriel


P.S. If I won the lottery, I would build/find an environment to share the love.

Syncopated drama king.

It's as if I have no choice, but at the same time, I have all the possibilities available to me.
I made decisions in my head, but it seems like nothing ever comes out of my decisions. They just lie there like empty broken promises waiting to be fulfilled.
It seems like no one gives a damn, because I never get to see the fruits&vegetables of my mental labor. They all just float away to be "taken" by others. I feel like they're shared, but if they're not shared with me, then they're not truly shared.

I have a few theories I have, but even if I share them on here, there's always the fear of the greed of other entities stealing them, so I guess it's better for now if I just list them so that the people who might understand them can take their own interpretations out of them and hopefully do something more effective than I can, because I can't seem to do anything proper by myself.

Spectrum theory.
Others-fulfilling prophecy (to put it simply, the opposite of the self-fulfilling prophecy, in that things are affected to my "sense" of self by others, and not just by me).
Chocolate milk dispenser dispenses happiness and hope, except when people don't believe in the possibility of it existing. I know at least one person who believes in it, though, so I guess that's enough for now. It's the fountain of youth everyone talks about.

Otherwise, I could just tune into the autoinfomercials and by something that was proven clinically to reduce the appearance of battle scars.

Either way, I'm broke, and likely indebted. But in one paradigm, it's just a few dollars.

A few dollars can mean so much, sometimes.

Uh oh.

I'm filled with doubts in my head.
I must begin anew, from the pillars that strengthened me in the past.

Where did I all start this madness?
In Etobicoke first, then Mississauga.
I wonder, will UofT accept me there?
I hope so. I don't like being a reject.

Everyone knows the rejects go to the east side.

WEST. DIVISION. CHAMPIONS.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysse Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyesfull

Politics.

Anyone remember Red vs Blue? It was a Machinima (it might still be going, not too sure) in the Halo universe. I had a few friends who were into it, I didn't find it particularly interesting. I was more into my own sort of machinima, making and filming my own videos in WoW (boy were they ever amateur...), and also idolizing other great videos. Maydie's videos were a great inspiration, as was World of Roguecraft. Drakedog was effing awesome.

I almost rolled a rogue when my warlock was level 60, back when warlocks really were at a disadvantage, and itemizing was... just plain horrible. I didn't care too much though, I was mostly in the game not as an escape, but because it was recommended to me. Maybe I played into it a little too much (a few of my friends thought it was "ruining my life"), but I feel like the raiding, grouping, questing and grinding and interface tweaking all gave me skills that put me where I am today.

Sure, I'm unemployed right now, not in school either, but I feel like I'm doing myself some good by doing various creative things here and there, playing sports (I'm a good badminton player). I have a lot of meaning in my life these days, I think, I just don't have much of the practical, applied side of it.

Back to the topic of the post:
Red vs Blue
Bell vs Rogers
Conservatives vs Liberals

Seriously, what the eff. All this country ever does in parliament (and I'm sure the politicians' twitter feeds would agree with this) is argue, argue, and debate. Oh yeah, people want change. Sorry to plug the U.S. here, but is Obama changing anything? Statistics might agree, but where's the love? I don't see it.

There's other political parties in Canada, but really, it's all black and gold to me.

Who really runs this country? Bell is doing great financially last I checked, Rogers insulted me (and lots of my friends) when they renamed the beautiful Skydome (where as a child, I was brought to see Nelson Mandela speak, though I don't remember what he said; I'm sure it was legitimately inspiring) to the ugly, ugly Rogers Centre. At least they kept the spelling of centre Canadian.

From what I remember though, whoever owned the Skydome was financially troubled and had to sell out. Oh well.

I really think I could do good things here in Canada, but I'd rather pull an Ignatieff and go elsewhere to get the hell out of here. Like I've mentioned before, I've never been out of Canada. I've wanted to, and when I was younger, I've asked my parents to, but now, at 20 years old, it's time I distance myself from them. They don't get me. Duh.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh, I want to be your gamer guyyyyy.


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P.S. Kyle's pretty good at liek filming and stuff. It was great seeing Jeremy and... I forget her name, but she was there too, and getting your autographs at the Fan Expo. Where was Doug though?
I still have your autographs in the CD case that I lent out to a few different people. I think it's back at my place though, but I really can't be bothered to find it
ALRIGHT I'M GONNA GO GET 0WNED BY EXPERTS AT MW2 NOW, PEACE.

Sick and tired.

I have different "resonations" in my head, I don't know if I can call them memories of people in the past that I've loved, or that I might have liked, or that maybe cared about me. I sometimes feel like I can communicate with these people.

They're not voices, I don't hear voices in my head.

They're also ideas that I have about how to behave in the world that usually help me out. I think the word I'm looking for is "consciousness". I feel like I have a hyper-sensitive consciousness, as in I'm able to feel things that maybe others might not. C'est comme si je suis capable de ressentir des choses à un niveau dont lequel d'autre gens ne sont pas capable. Des fois ça me rend fou, mais je suis capable de me ramener à une normalité qui fait que je ne me fais pas dominer par toutes ces idées. Le yoga, la philosophie, la danse, les jeux vidéos, les sorties avec les amis, les chansons que je chante, les voyages que je fait, all these things help me deal with this strangeness that's in my head.

Psychiatrists, psychologists, experts etc. have all tried to categorize me into certain domains to try and "treat" me, but really it doesn't amount to much in the end.

Seems like no one can really truly understand me, everyone's too effing busy with their lives to be able to care about mine, unless they're instructed to do so, or they have a reason to, which usually, they can't find on their own.

Call me a selfish, attention-seeking-influenced-influencing whore.
I need a lover I have to love with comfort.
Eff.

Edit 2011/12/10
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/University+-College)(

I have way too many options, but I've narrowed some things down.

I'm not leaving Canada for post-secondary studies... yet.
Not Ryerson.
York sounds friendly and I love commuting. Might grow to hate it, though. Glendon sounds incredible.
UofT(St. George Campus) would be perfect, but my parents will drive me mad.
UBC would be a blast, but Vancouver would lure me too much.
I love Dalhousie.
I don't know enough about King's College.
UNBC seems so far away.
OCAD, I love you, and I need you.
UofA would be... interesting.
I could go up north, but my hair would suffer.
George Brown, I miss you already.
Western's just not for me, too many creepers there apparently, but Deadmau5 played there so he might play again.
UVic, you're so romantic, I'd probably go insane.


WSID?
Should I wait another year, with one Fan Expo to rule them all?
Or should I throw down another few hundred dollars for applications, again.
Or do nothing at all.
GOOD THING I SAVED POLLING THE AUDIENCE, REGIS.

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR LKmDHAGLHGLq;HELFE HELP ME PICK.
Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodine Darwin Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citron Ophilia Philharmonic Eyeless.

I just invented a joke

A neuroscientist, an observer, and a philosopher walk into a bar.
The philosopher asks "What is love"?, to which the neuroscientist says "Baby don't hurt me!"
The observer, being naturally observant, yells out "NO MORE!".

Little do they know that there's a copywriter lurking in the corner...

Edit 03/2014: I have NO clue what the hell this is, lol.


Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyefull
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Sweet 160 (158 w/o rough drafts)

Un de mes premier souvenirs avec ma soeur, c'était quand j'avais environ 7 ans. Cette journée-là, j'étais allé au dentiste, et j'avais été demandé si je grinçait (ou claquait?) des dents pendant que je dormait. Vraiment, j'en ai aucune idée, et je ne pensais pas que je le faisais. Mais comme ma soeur et moi dormions dans la même chambre, peut être qu'elle l'aurait sû.

Je lui ai demandé, et je ne me rappelle plus de sa réponse.

What was more important for me was telling her a prophecy that I had, in this one dream I have.

Not to be a pokemon master and to collect them all, but rather that there was a planet somewhere, somehow, where I could train some Pokémon, have a blast with Digimon, become a true fighter like in DBZ, and be a great duelist in the Yu-Gi-Oh card game. I think there was a fifth dimension that I wanted to share at the time, but I forget what it was now. It probably had some dragons, though.

Never let go of dreams, but you're allowed to push/pull them wherever for a while.

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectrum Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyefull
Lathargic Yamen Plutomium Soliloquy Yoda Catalyst Heathen Erstwhile Déjà vu Elipse Idealic Catastrophic

Dark to light, light to tark, dark to lite.

I hear people speak about darkness.
I hear Nietzche talk about the abyss.
My inner resonators gain and lose control depending on my inner responses to things, and I know of only two ways to modulate them, two things that will always be with me wherever I go, two passionate emotions, and yet, so devoid of meaning sometimes that I wonder if I really am just overreacting, or underreacting, or even reacting at all.
The dark and light expand like an abstractious dance of hope and death that don't seem to want to stop too much. If I wish them away, they stare at me from beyond... just, beyond.

My inner and outer promises keep on accumulating, and I can't seem to find much subtraction anywhere. My subtractions are people that I absolutely adore that avoid me, perhaps subconsciously, but with hidden purpose. Those that I try to keep away only manage to make me feel horrible about myself, so much that I have no choice but to stay put and wait, wait forever, wait for my own truths to shine.

But a star can't shine without at least another light source, otherwise what is shine?

How do I divide by i?

-Kaleidoscope

Brute force.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to brute force through my Songbird library, but it should be better in the end. Let's hope backup systems are running okay.

Objectif: Islande!

Destination: Iceland!

Iceland when will I get to you?!

Who knows, I hope it's serendipidous!

In more calming news, I've been coming up with quotes lately. Thoughts that are formulated into quotes, and my quote-pseudonym is called Gabalazriel.


The inherent problem with quotes is that, because they're usually short (the kind of quotes I'm talking about, anyway), there's a likely chance that someone's already come up with something like it already, somewhere, maybe in some other language.

I take the sum of all my knowledge and apply it to a few words that I connect together. Could I be accused of plagiarism for that? I don't think so. Pretty much everyone borrows ideas from everything. I can understand why there's a need for "intellectual honesty" in a commonly accepted reality i.e. an academic setting where there's an exchange happening between different people(s), though, otherwise the people who are set in their way to consciously steal ideas from other people for "profit" get way too much power.

The Medium is the message, but the happy medium is the messenger. -Gabalazriel



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Il me semble.

Que mon "papa" va lire toutes les choses qu'il lui sont donne, mais ne veux rien savoir de mon monde. C'est triste.

A switch in a writing topic.

It might sound just two sided (I have that fear anyway and believe me, I really hate that categorization, I hate choosing sides in life), but I've decided that I can write in a more close-minded manner, instead of always having my head up in the clouds and having broad, not-too-concrete posts about my thoughts on things.

Doing some dancing in the kitchen, trying to escape the horrifying, engulfing (but somehow manageable) feeling caused by unfair restrictions imposed upon me by the family that I currently live with, I come to realize something that finally helps express the creativity that I cannot seem (or want) to stop flowing. It's something I used to do as a child, and it's nice to be able to explore aspects of me that have for so long been shadowed by my brain.

A good dance (altogether depending on what environment I'm in) is expressing the thoughts that circulate through my being in a manner that is convincing and expresses that energy, all the while maintaining a respectable sense of what the observers (if any) might like to see.
This creates a sort of loop where the observer influences the movement of my body, and I respond to it by continuing... with dancing!

But the prime mover should always be the dancer when he/she/it is dancing, the influence should be shared, yes, but with most of the control from the dancer.

There are times where I would love to just lose that control though, but with fear of repercussions, it's so difficult to get over.

Am I human, or are we dancers?

Karma Aspiration Linger Entity Iodinic Daringless Overcast Ulysses Grievous Hawt Spectre Citronelle Ophilia Philharmonikally Eyeless

Beware of the bandwagon.

For it lures even the most -innocent- of victims...